Quit testing me, universe!

Every time... ugh.. I swear. You know that time when you're about to give up on your crush but some how they do something and just pull you back in? Well, that's happening right now. Except, I have actually given up on him and I'm not really pulled back in (not all the way anyway) but rather annoyed that its happening now instead of back then.

There was a time when I had my emotional boohoos over CD because it totally caught me off guard and I just panicked about it. I started hyperventilating to DP and KC. Bless their souls for trying to calm me down. Anyway, I told them that everything that has happened between me and CD only happened because I initiated it. I'm the one who invites him to all these hang outs and that just once, I wish it was him who invited me. Well, it finally happened yesterday.

He invited me to a barbecue that the supervisors are planning tomorrow. First of all, let me congratulate myself for not having a screaming-school-girl moment. In fact, my initial reaction was more like an uh-oh. As much as I do want to go and hang out with these awesome people, I am now (and probably forever as long as I'm in that company) afraid of how certain co-workers will interpret this and any future friendship with any supervisor. They will once again blame the supervisors of favoritism and they'll think I'm trying to buy my way up the ranks. So because of that, I wasn't really able to say yes or no. I actually can't remember how the conversation ended too. He did catch me by surprise by asking me. At first I just overheard him talking to the other supervisor about it in the office. Then I left the office to head upstairs and he caught up with me on the escalator. He casually asked if I was going, to which I responded where. I just remember saying I never was invited. Then that's it. Don't recall saying yes, no, maybe, let's talk about it later or anything like that.

So I'll admit a part of me is kinda waiting to be re-invited again. But I'm almost 100% sure it won't happen because he doesn't appear to be that kind of guy and also tomorrow's gonna be a crappy day for a barbecue. The funny thing is I would've probably said no if he did ask me again, unless he manages to convinces me otherwise.

Aside from the invite. He's also been sitting beside me in the lunch room. Though I think that was really just because the other supervisor sat with us too. But at least during these times, I'm not interpreting it anymore like I used to. I'm just really really annoyed that these things are happening now when I wanted it so badly back then.

Feeeeeeed meeeeeee!

Now that I'm not distracted by work or the need to catch up on sleep... my stomach is being bossy. I shouldn't really complain since for the past year my stomach has been well-behaved and eating tons of healthy(er) food. Enough that I've dropped 3 pant sizes. But damn this craving is soooooo bad. I actually drove out at 7:30AM on a Saturday morning just to grab a container of rainbow sour belts.

Been buying these babies little by little at Sweet Factory but I realize that I've been getting em so much that I should just buy the giant container instead. Its cheaper too!! If I recall correctly buying 15 strips or so is about $2.50 whereas this container was $11 which looks like it has over 150 strips.

Now my problem is trying to ration this pile. Plus the giant bag of chocolate covered raisins I also bought coz I happen to see it on the same aisle as the rainbow sour belt. =.="

My brain won't shut up

I think its too excited about the endless possibilities of tomorrow. Even though I'm lacking sleep and actually do have time to sleep, I can't because my brain is just on fire. Its been re-writing over and over again how my life potentially could be for this year and next. Like how school is starting in a month and a half and that I'll only have to study for 7 months, do some training, write a couple of exams and finally land a career I actually do care about. Then next year my potentially new home will be ready. Everything brand-spanking new plus I get to live on my own again.

Just the idea of all these new beginnings is enough to make me happy!

Of course the best new beginning would be finding a new crush. Its kinda sad to say this but I do miss CD only coz I miss the hype of having a crush. When I see him there's no more internal-elementary-school-girl-screaming. Instead I'm seeing more and more why I don't like him as much. Like the things that I wouldn't have minded back then now seem major valid reasons why I shouldn't like him. DP said I'm probably in denial and this is my self-defence mechanism kicking in. But if that's true then I should feel more bothered when he's around me. If any, being with him actually makes me miss and at the same time pity the old me. In some way I really am relieved of having to over-think everything he does but I also miss that part of me that's always hopeful.

The sucker part is that now I can be with him without automatically translating everything he says/does, it seems like we're actually really communicating again. And knowing me, it'll only take so little before I start feeling something for him again.

[March 19, 2014 UPDATE]
Gah! It's starting. The over-thinking. Last night's shift had more communication with CD than usual since there was only 5 of us working. As we were getting ready to go home, he asked if I am working tonight to which I replied no then he casually adds that he also has the night off. I already knew he wanted the night off so he can work on Saturday instead to be there for the other supervisor's last day. But then I started thinking why is he telling me he got tonight off when he knows that I already know he got it off. Anyway, the good part is that I'm only at the "what was that about" stage. I haven't actually began creating scenarios in my head trying to break down what really probably is a simple conversation.