For the Lonely and Broken Hearted

During last week's pot bless event at my church's college group. A few of us girls and boys decided to talk about past love. Whether it was our first crush, last one or the one the just hurts us the most. I was really surprised at how LB opened up. Then the next thing you know, one by one, people just started talking about their "almost". Its kinda funny coz I would never expect some of them to go through what they had gone through. They are absolutely gorgeous, handsome, and fantastic people all around to be with.

Of course, I told them about CD. And how I was truly afraid to lose both CD and GF as a friend. But to be honest, I'm kinda glad I don't have to worry about them both anymore. At the same time though, I don't think I really wanna be around them any time soon. I feel like when I do see them again, I hope I'll have become a better person. You know, make them see what they've missed out on. Though I can't imagine having that sort of goal for the rest of my life. Proving yourself to others seem pretty pointless when those others don't care about you the way you do them.

So instead I'll share that caring feeling to the others who are lonely, broken and perhaps even neglected. Here's a poem I made for those either wishing to go back to those beautiful times or those wanting to jump ahead towards that better future.

I Miss The Way You’ll Love Me

Remember that time we’ll meet?

The way you’ll look standing across that street

Never again will my heart beat so fast

As when your eyes upon my face, it casts

Oh how the blood will rush to my cheek

Causing me to look away and still take a peek

How I miss when we’ll play pretend

Maybe even give mixed signals to send

When finally you’ll walk my way

And I’ll look up just in time to say

I miss the way you’ll love me

This much can you foresee?

3-1-4

So remember that post I made about dreams? In particular about the numbers 3-1-4 which I had woken up to by yelling it out. I thought there must be a meaning and had anticipated the whole March of 2014 or March 14th itself to be a special day. Well, nothing particular happened that day... nor that month of that year I guess except for the fact that its pi day.

Well, today's the best pi day as of yet. A last minute breakfast date with my co-workers which I haven't done for a long time... and the last time I did, it wasn't all that fun because it felt like people were obligated to be there rather than just wanting to be there. Now its like with new people and of the oddest combination too. I wouldn't have expected this group to just mesh together and have that much of a good laugh. Plus bonus, someone invited CD and without my prompting too!

So I gave the new co-worker who I think also likes CD a ride to IHOP. Ermm... she's gonna need a code name; let's say MM for mini me coz like I said before she kinda does remind me of me. As we were parking at IHOP, she kept staring at this white car (sounds familiar right?). I noticed the car too but I told myself not to look because there's no way that's CD. I knew there was a person in the car but I didn't want to make eye contact because I am trying to get over him, so me checking if the driver was CD is like admitting failure to such attempt. As we got into the IHOP, MM said "I knew it was you".

Damn. Totally wasn't expecting him. I smiled and stupidly the first words that came outta my mouth "The hell? You're here?". So now as I am typing this, I realized I may have made it sound like I didn't want him there.

Well, anyway, it turned out all for the best. We had a great laugh about everything. Even talked about farts. Didn't realize 2 hours had gone by just like that. We finally had to go home and as we all lined up at the cash register, I couldn't help but notice that CD was standing really close to me. It made me wish that he missed me somehow and that this was his way of showing it.

Then of course all these "over-thinking" happened again but the most intriguing one was: Why was he waiting in his car when there were people from our group already in IHOP? Was he waiting for me?

So that's my pi day story. Who knows how next year will turn out?

Trips Down Memory Lane

Coz I swear, every time I remember him... I might as well really be tripping.

So how do you do it? How do you forget someone when every small little thing reminds you of him?

Before... it was just his car. If a white car zooms a long, it wouldn't take long for me to turn my head and check if it was him or not. I'd see what the make of the car was, if the plate matches. I think this started when we both were heading to work and ended up on the same intersection. I just made it to the orange light to do my left turn and his red light just went green so his car was now behind me. Then he changes lane and passes and takes over my car. When we arrived at the parking lot, we both got out of our own cars and he smiled at me saying he knew that it was me.

The most recent "trip down to memory lane" for me is when I drive to my other job... yes, it's a literal trip on a friggin lane. There's this particular street that I like to take because it barely had stop lights and it wasn't residential plus it had its curves so its pretty fun driving there. When I drove CD and our co-worker home during our last hang out, we ended up using that street by chance. CD mentioned he liked that street too for the exact same reason. So now, whenever I take that road, I end up thinking of him.

Ohhh mannn. Even McDonalds have a meaning now coz of our lunch breaks. Double cheeseburger for the win. Although he said I should try the CBO with strips of bacon and not the bits. Espresso also reminds me of him a lot. One of the first few things that I found out we had in common was our love for coffee. Gosshhh!! I can remember when we were still getting to know each other as co-workers. That time, I was convinced he might like me because he would be curious about the things I like or stuff we had in common.

Anyway point is.. its getting pretty ridiculous how much I miss him. Although knowing myself, the moment I see him again, I'd act all cool as if nothing is going on. I know I'm driving KC and DP nuts whenever CD gets involved. So I'm trying not to vent to them as much about this. Therefore, I am ranting here instead. It might take a bunch more posts before I completely stop mentioning CD here.

So here's an ultimatum for myself. If I do get a chance to hang out with him again one to one and not coz he's driving me home or vice versa... then I will tell him about how nuts he makes/made me feel. That way he can clearly voice out his opinion and I can do the same without others making this whole crush situation more difficult than it is.

[UPDATE: March 10, 2015]

Eff. Even going to the mailbox reminds me of him. Ughhh... why'd I have to show him this particular part of the sidewalk where I always trip whenever I go and grab our mail.

On the bright side, I saw him again on Sunday and I managed to act chill. Caught myself glancing at him once in awhile but that's about it. Success for not letting my imagination get in the way.

Same songs new meanings

After having more karaoke sessions, I'm brought back in time and begin to reminisce the days when songs were just music. I guess I was too young or naive then to realize what the lyrics mean or what emotions were being conveyed. It's only now that I'm having this deeper connection to these songs. Quite a few of them, I actually don't recall the title or who the singer/band was. Luckily, in this day and age, a quick Google search can solve that. There's even an app for recognizing songs for you.

So now I've spent a day downloading all these songs from my past, reading the lyrics over and over again. The most recent in the list is Eraserheads's Ang Huling El Bimbo (The Last El Bimbo in english). I don't think translating the lyrics in english will have the same effect as hearing it in tagalog. But the story of the song is basically a guy who's reminiscing about his school days during which he learned how to dance El Bimbo from a very beautiful girl. He describes how his love for her developed but not once was he able to tell her. However time has now past and the last he has heard of her, all these sad things happened including her death.

My favorite lines are:

Magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay-malay
(We're holding hands and not realizing)
Na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig ng tunay
(That you've taught my heart to truly love)