I've already accepted that I tend to interpret a lot of things that happen to me as signs. Just read my old posts here. But sometimes you really can't just help but wonder why fate is toying with you. Its like when you're finally able to stop thinking of someone every dang second, they suddenly show up again.
So on Sunday my mom wanted to have sushi for dinner. We went to pick it up at our usual restaurant. I stayed in the car while my mom grabbed the food. And in that 10 minute window, CD just happens to drive into the parking lot. I'm not sure if he realized I was there but I decided to just stay in my car and let it be. I tried ignoring it and definitely wasn't gonna make any interpretations like I used to.
Then on the same day I saw this post about people getting married at the place where they first met... and that featured couple on the article happen to meet at the same company where CD and I met. I also just had to watch this sad TV show where this guy and girl had been very good friends since they were kids. They both couldn't open up about how they felt for each other. Eventually time has passed and each found their own spouse. All those years they still haven't lost their love for each other. Even though they remained faithful with their own respective spouses until the death of said spouses. 55 years later they reconnected and finally got things right.
Now, I can't help but wonder again. What if its not over? What if there's more?
Showing posts with label overthinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overthinking. Show all posts
Tuesday, 6 October 2015
Monday, 9 February 2015
Monica Oh Monica
Ok so I may have come up with a slightly odd solution to undo this LB situation. That is to let myself like CD again. Errr.... I guess to be honest those 2 ideas kinda just lined up since I may actually just be liking CD again. I know, its nuts!! He does drive me nuts. The little things he do sure leaves big impressions on me.
Remember that list I made of trying to figure out if he could like me or not. Well that's like starting over again. Its just are they signals or my imagination? I'll name a few that has happened since I re-joined the department.
1.) He's been teasing me a lot and kept saying my name as if I was getting in trouble but that's just his way of telling me what tasks to do. And damn, as soon as I walk away after receiving instructions from him, I can't help but smile. (Hence the title of this post)
2.) When I'm trying my best not to look at him because #1 I don't want it to be obvious that I'm aware of his presence and #2 so that I look like I'm 100% focused on my job; that's like when he randomly helps me out with whatever I'm working on. Its like he knows that's when I'm the most vulnerable to his effects.
3.) The small conversation he initiates. Yes, him. This goes in part with #2 where I'm trying my best to sorta ignore him (i.e. play it cool). Then outta nowhere he'd work beside me and make small talks. FYI, he's a pretty private kinda person so small talks are kinda rare with him.
There's more obviously but I'm leaving this at that. I'm really just enjoying things being back to the way they were before the drama. Maybe coz the lead causes of the drama ain't there. But at this point, I don't see myself having a full on 100% crush on CD again. Like I said before, when we leave the company, I really feel like we'll never see each other anyway. So it would take a whole lot of universe ploy for us to ever come meet again after work.
Remember that list I made of trying to figure out if he could like me or not. Well that's like starting over again. Its just are they signals or my imagination? I'll name a few that has happened since I re-joined the department.
1.) He's been teasing me a lot and kept saying my name as if I was getting in trouble but that's just his way of telling me what tasks to do. And damn, as soon as I walk away after receiving instructions from him, I can't help but smile. (Hence the title of this post)
2.) When I'm trying my best not to look at him because #1 I don't want it to be obvious that I'm aware of his presence and #2 so that I look like I'm 100% focused on my job; that's like when he randomly helps me out with whatever I'm working on. Its like he knows that's when I'm the most vulnerable to his effects.
3.) The small conversation he initiates. Yes, him. This goes in part with #2 where I'm trying my best to sorta ignore him (i.e. play it cool). Then outta nowhere he'd work beside me and make small talks. FYI, he's a pretty private kinda person so small talks are kinda rare with him.
There's more obviously but I'm leaving this at that. I'm really just enjoying things being back to the way they were before the drama. Maybe coz the lead causes of the drama ain't there. But at this point, I don't see myself having a full on 100% crush on CD again. Like I said before, when we leave the company, I really feel like we'll never see each other anyway. So it would take a whole lot of universe ploy for us to ever come meet again after work.
Monday, 17 March 2014
My brain won't shut up
I think its too excited about the endless possibilities of tomorrow. Even though I'm lacking sleep and actually do have time to sleep, I can't because my brain is just on fire. Its been re-writing over and over again how my life potentially could be for this year and next. Like how school is starting in a month and a half and that I'll only have to study for 7 months, do some training, write a couple of exams and finally land a career I actually do care about. Then next year my potentially new home will be ready. Everything brand-spanking new plus I get to live on my own again.
Just the idea of all these new beginnings is enough to make me happy!
Of course the best new beginning would be finding a new crush. Its kinda sad to say this but I do miss CD only coz I miss the hype of having a crush. When I see him there's no more internal-elementary-school-girl-screaming. Instead I'm seeing more and more why I don't like him as much. Like the things that I wouldn't have minded back then now seem major valid reasons why I shouldn't like him. DP said I'm probably in denial and this is my self-defence mechanism kicking in. But if that's true then I should feel more bothered when he's around me. If any, being with him actually makes me miss and at the same time pity the old me. In some way I really am relieved of having to over-think everything he does but I also miss that part of me that's always hopeful.
The sucker part is that now I can be with him without automatically translating everything he says/does, it seems like we're actually really communicating again. And knowing me, it'll only take so little before I start feeling something for him again.
[March 19, 2014 UPDATE]
Gah! It's starting. The over-thinking. Last night's shift had more communication with CD than usual since there was only 5 of us working. As we were getting ready to go home, he asked if I am working tonight to which I replied no then he casually adds that he also has the night off. I already knew he wanted the night off so he can work on Saturday instead to be there for the other supervisor's last day. But then I started thinking why is he telling me he got tonight off when he knows that I already know he got it off. Anyway, the good part is that I'm only at the "what was that about" stage. I haven't actually began creating scenarios in my head trying to break down what really probably is a simple conversation.
Just the idea of all these new beginnings is enough to make me happy!
Of course the best new beginning would be finding a new crush. Its kinda sad to say this but I do miss CD only coz I miss the hype of having a crush. When I see him there's no more internal-elementary-school-girl-screaming. Instead I'm seeing more and more why I don't like him as much. Like the things that I wouldn't have minded back then now seem major valid reasons why I shouldn't like him. DP said I'm probably in denial and this is my self-defence mechanism kicking in. But if that's true then I should feel more bothered when he's around me. If any, being with him actually makes me miss and at the same time pity the old me. In some way I really am relieved of having to over-think everything he does but I also miss that part of me that's always hopeful.
The sucker part is that now I can be with him without automatically translating everything he says/does, it seems like we're actually really communicating again. And knowing me, it'll only take so little before I start feeling something for him again.
[March 19, 2014 UPDATE]
Gah! It's starting. The over-thinking. Last night's shift had more communication with CD than usual since there was only 5 of us working. As we were getting ready to go home, he asked if I am working tonight to which I replied no then he casually adds that he also has the night off. I already knew he wanted the night off so he can work on Saturday instead to be there for the other supervisor's last day. But then I started thinking why is he telling me he got tonight off when he knows that I already know he got it off. Anyway, the good part is that I'm only at the "what was that about" stage. I haven't actually began creating scenarios in my head trying to break down what really probably is a simple conversation.
Sunday, 23 February 2014
Tearfest
I don't know if its just me or if I'm just being too girly sometimes but I do have a tendency to just want to cry for no apparent reason. I don't mean like a baby throwing tantrums. I'd like to think its more of a therapeutic process. I think it happens once I've dealt with too much emotion and I'm done processing it so now it's like I need a major stress release. Although I do remember reading somewhere that tears make our body produce more endorphins thus having that "happier" after-effect.
Depending on my mood I can watch dramas endlessly until I've cried all I can. Sometimes I sing till my throat hurts. Other times I just cuddle a pillow under my duvet and listen to really sad songs until I fall asleep. Lately though, all this blogging is becoming a great emotional outlet. I've also started writing on journals again (by journals I mean word document) and I almost immediately always write something as soon as my emotions get extreme. I think it helps me process my feelings and makes my tendency to over-think look stupid. It's actually pretty funny reading most of them again.
One of the most recent emotional rollercoaster ride is when GF pointed out something that irked him about the party a couple of Sundays ago. During that party CD got a little drunk; probably coz he didn't get enough sleep so it hit him a little faster than usual. There was of course photo sessions during the party and one of which our female common friend (hence forth called CF) asked to have a picture with CD. CD doesn't really like photo sessions that much but this time he agreed then jokingly leaned his head on CF's shoulders. After one shot, I think he realized what he's done so he covered his face and started moving around a lot so it was harder to take a picture. According to GF that's when he noticed that CF and CD may like each other and more so on the guy side. Of course GF is really torn because he is really close with CF.
When this was pointed out I wasn't really bothered but it definitely affected me. I began being more suspicious of both CF and CD. I know CF likes to be extra friendly with CD to tease GF and perhaps even test me on how I will react. For instance, I was actually really surprised that CD agreed to go watch a movie with me and CF. I just worked a shift, had a breakfast party and shopping with him and other co-workers so I was pretty sure he'd say no out of exhaustion. But there was no "maybe" it was a straight up "sure". I was gonna use the opportunity to observe how the 2 acts during the movie; even if it meant I might be a third wheel. However, CF cancelled because she wasn't able to fall asleep. I asked if she already told CD and she replied she did and that also he just slept a few hours ago. That's when I started having my emotional panic. How the hell does she know what time he slept... have they been texting the whole time. All these scenario started popping in my head.
I haven't seen CF since then but I know things between us are still the same. I definitely don't blame her if she does fall for him and him for her. She's a great friend like I mentioned before. However with CD, I worked one shift with him since the failed movie plan and I really felt like he's been avoiding me for some reason. He hasn't been smiling as much either. The latter half of the shift, I also started avoiding him.. not even making eye contact. Sounds childish I know but also I felt like he totally just forgot about me when he didn't call me for break. Basically, I know he's not angry at me but I just don't make a bleep in his radar either. According to another team leader he had an inkling that I didn't hear the break announcement but I guess that wasn't enough for him to confirm if I really did. Ohhh and guess what? I've been re-aligned to be under his team. He is now my direct supervisor. What great timing huh?
I'll really need to cry all these out pretty soon or I might just snap at the wrong person here.
Depending on my mood I can watch dramas endlessly until I've cried all I can. Sometimes I sing till my throat hurts. Other times I just cuddle a pillow under my duvet and listen to really sad songs until I fall asleep. Lately though, all this blogging is becoming a great emotional outlet. I've also started writing on journals again (by journals I mean word document) and I almost immediately always write something as soon as my emotions get extreme. I think it helps me process my feelings and makes my tendency to over-think look stupid. It's actually pretty funny reading most of them again.
One of the most recent emotional rollercoaster ride is when GF pointed out something that irked him about the party a couple of Sundays ago. During that party CD got a little drunk; probably coz he didn't get enough sleep so it hit him a little faster than usual. There was of course photo sessions during the party and one of which our female common friend (hence forth called CF) asked to have a picture with CD. CD doesn't really like photo sessions that much but this time he agreed then jokingly leaned his head on CF's shoulders. After one shot, I think he realized what he's done so he covered his face and started moving around a lot so it was harder to take a picture. According to GF that's when he noticed that CF and CD may like each other and more so on the guy side. Of course GF is really torn because he is really close with CF.
When this was pointed out I wasn't really bothered but it definitely affected me. I began being more suspicious of both CF and CD. I know CF likes to be extra friendly with CD to tease GF and perhaps even test me on how I will react. For instance, I was actually really surprised that CD agreed to go watch a movie with me and CF. I just worked a shift, had a breakfast party and shopping with him and other co-workers so I was pretty sure he'd say no out of exhaustion. But there was no "maybe" it was a straight up "sure". I was gonna use the opportunity to observe how the 2 acts during the movie; even if it meant I might be a third wheel. However, CF cancelled because she wasn't able to fall asleep. I asked if she already told CD and she replied she did and that also he just slept a few hours ago. That's when I started having my emotional panic. How the hell does she know what time he slept... have they been texting the whole time. All these scenario started popping in my head.
I haven't seen CF since then but I know things between us are still the same. I definitely don't blame her if she does fall for him and him for her. She's a great friend like I mentioned before. However with CD, I worked one shift with him since the failed movie plan and I really felt like he's been avoiding me for some reason. He hasn't been smiling as much either. The latter half of the shift, I also started avoiding him.. not even making eye contact. Sounds childish I know but also I felt like he totally just forgot about me when he didn't call me for break. Basically, I know he's not angry at me but I just don't make a bleep in his radar either. According to another team leader he had an inkling that I didn't hear the break announcement but I guess that wasn't enough for him to confirm if I really did. Ohhh and guess what? I've been re-aligned to be under his team. He is now my direct supervisor. What great timing huh?
I'll really need to cry all these out pretty soon or I might just snap at the wrong person here.
Monday, 13 January 2014
Crab in a bucket
So I just found out a few days ago that a certain co-worker of mine took my joke too seriously and used it to complain about his/her lack of shifts. I know I've been getting a lot but its not like that's in my control. I didn't even know other people had that much less shifts than me and when I did, I joked that "maybe coz I'm the favorite". Pretty low ball of that co-worker to use my joke to try and get more shifts.
My supervisor was very patient explaining to me that I should try not to make jokes like that and also watch out for 2-faced people. Then he started mentioning that its all crab mentality, some people just like to aim for the successful ones. I'm really glad he's on my side with this. Coz joking aside or not, I'm aware (and so are my supervisors) that I can definitely do my job in an efficient and timely manner plus positive attitude and that alone is the reason for my many shifts.
Anywho, so I sorta spent the next couple of days sulking about which co-worker was this. I have a person in mind but my supervisor said no (not sure if he was just saying that though). I try to think back what he said exactly and since he did mention about being "2-faced", I'm now concerned its actually someone close to me. It still bugs me now but after having one-on-one time with each supervisor, including CD, I feel much better. I apologized to them if it made them look bad but they were actually concerned for me. The female supervisor actually told me they were all worried how to bring up this issue to me. So I was touched that they cared and immediately knew that this was all bullshit.
However due to the freshness of this issue. I am trying to distance myself from all supervisors, especially CD. I don't wanna give that co-worker another excuse to make me look bad just coz I happen to get along with everyone. I was pretty sad with the thought at first but this is probably for a good reason. I don't over-think as much when it comes with CD. I might just be able to fall out of crush for him and still be good friends with him. I really wouldn't wanna lose that guy as a friend after all.
[January 14, 2014 UPDATE]
There was a huge announcement that one of the supervisors is moving to another department. Although I already figured that out by piecing together some recent events. Anyway, one of the co-workers who became my first friend there joked that I should be the next supervisor. See? Even non-supervisors see my hard work and efforts. But I immediately made a sour face and shook my head. Why? Coz the co-worker I first suspected of complaining was sitting beside me. I didn't wanna give her the idea that I'm now after a higher position. I really am not since its pointless coz once I'm back in school (by May hopefully), I'll be working less shifts. But at the same time, if they really did offer me the position, I'm willing to work and study full time.
My supervisor was very patient explaining to me that I should try not to make jokes like that and also watch out for 2-faced people. Then he started mentioning that its all crab mentality, some people just like to aim for the successful ones. I'm really glad he's on my side with this. Coz joking aside or not, I'm aware (and so are my supervisors) that I can definitely do my job in an efficient and timely manner plus positive attitude and that alone is the reason for my many shifts.
Anywho, so I sorta spent the next couple of days sulking about which co-worker was this. I have a person in mind but my supervisor said no (not sure if he was just saying that though). I try to think back what he said exactly and since he did mention about being "2-faced", I'm now concerned its actually someone close to me. It still bugs me now but after having one-on-one time with each supervisor, including CD, I feel much better. I apologized to them if it made them look bad but they were actually concerned for me. The female supervisor actually told me they were all worried how to bring up this issue to me. So I was touched that they cared and immediately knew that this was all bullshit.
However due to the freshness of this issue. I am trying to distance myself from all supervisors, especially CD. I don't wanna give that co-worker another excuse to make me look bad just coz I happen to get along with everyone. I was pretty sad with the thought at first but this is probably for a good reason. I don't over-think as much when it comes with CD. I might just be able to fall out of crush for him and still be good friends with him. I really wouldn't wanna lose that guy as a friend after all.
[January 14, 2014 UPDATE]
There was a huge announcement that one of the supervisors is moving to another department. Although I already figured that out by piecing together some recent events. Anyway, one of the co-workers who became my first friend there joked that I should be the next supervisor. See? Even non-supervisors see my hard work and efforts. But I immediately made a sour face and shook my head. Why? Coz the co-worker I first suspected of complaining was sitting beside me. I didn't wanna give her the idea that I'm now after a higher position. I really am not since its pointless coz once I'm back in school (by May hopefully), I'll be working less shifts. But at the same time, if they really did offer me the position, I'm willing to work and study full time.
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
I should probably keep my mouth shut
This whole trying to be discreet thing is not working out anymore. More and more people are figuring it out and I'm having a harder time weasling my way out of this.
First is a female co-worker who knew how I felt about CD (crush dude). She actually didn't think I was serious and was so shocked when I was a little affectionate during the Christmas potluck. My defense was that he's my ride home and need to make sure he's functional.
Second, though he didn't say it, the host of the potluck and the guy who always joked he'd find me a boyfriend (was even willing to give both of his sons to me) seems to be trying to pair me up with CD. He's hosting another party and he invited me then mentioned that he'll invite CD too. He didn't mention inviting our gay co-worker though who he knows I'm pretty close with as well. So it's like he's siding with me and giving me my chance without feeling guilty.
Third, just a single conversation. Probably the first really with this older lady co-worker. She immediately blurted out that I had a crush on CD. Apparently I talked about him a lot during that allotted time. I didn't bring him up though. She was the one talking about cute guys at work and another female co-worker brought his name up. Then I just brought up the topic about that supervisor who joked about me and him going out. I also mentioned his car a lot coz I really do like it. So somehow I got to segue and say I have a crush on his car. LOL!! But I have to be more careful now because I think she is on a prowl and wants to catch me. She did say I should "go for it", to which I replied "I'm the girl here, he should be the one asking me out". And I don't mean that in a traditional male/female roles but rather my romantic fantasy kicking in.
It'll be a huge challenge since this whole week we have the same shifts. Plus the party will be on Thursday and I don't know if I really do wanna go, whether he's going or not. After how things ended for my gay friend during the last party, I'm a little afraid. I really don't wanna make things awkward at work. And I definitely don't wanna be overthinking more than I already am.
First is a female co-worker who knew how I felt about CD (crush dude). She actually didn't think I was serious and was so shocked when I was a little affectionate during the Christmas potluck. My defense was that he's my ride home and need to make sure he's functional.
Second, though he didn't say it, the host of the potluck and the guy who always joked he'd find me a boyfriend (was even willing to give both of his sons to me) seems to be trying to pair me up with CD. He's hosting another party and he invited me then mentioned that he'll invite CD too. He didn't mention inviting our gay co-worker though who he knows I'm pretty close with as well. So it's like he's siding with me and giving me my chance without feeling guilty.
Third, just a single conversation. Probably the first really with this older lady co-worker. She immediately blurted out that I had a crush on CD. Apparently I talked about him a lot during that allotted time. I didn't bring him up though. She was the one talking about cute guys at work and another female co-worker brought his name up. Then I just brought up the topic about that supervisor who joked about me and him going out. I also mentioned his car a lot coz I really do like it. So somehow I got to segue and say I have a crush on his car. LOL!! But I have to be more careful now because I think she is on a prowl and wants to catch me. She did say I should "go for it", to which I replied "I'm the girl here, he should be the one asking me out". And I don't mean that in a traditional male/female roles but rather my romantic fantasy kicking in.
It'll be a huge challenge since this whole week we have the same shifts. Plus the party will be on Thursday and I don't know if I really do wanna go, whether he's going or not. After how things ended for my gay friend during the last party, I'm a little afraid. I really don't wanna make things awkward at work. And I definitely don't wanna be overthinking more than I already am.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
About what I said before
First off, I can't believe more than a month has gone by since my previous post. I guess it makes sense as my new work place got busy over the holidays and they pretty much were giving out shifts to any takers. And there's another reason which I'll explain now.
This whole NBIL business might actually end. I don't know. I haven't decided... if its even possible to decide on it. There's this guy at work who really caught my attention since day 1 coz he had such a cute smile. I'm a sucker for dimples and those "happy smiley eyes". I really thought nothing of it but then I guess as I talked to him more and more that grew to respect to admiration and then to crush or whatever it is now.
At first, I was really giddy just having a crush again. My university days were so boring coz I couldn't even have a crush since there was no guy whom I had similar classes with. So in 1 semester, I'd see my classmates just 13 times (once a week). That's not even enough time for me to get to know them, forget about developing feelings. Anyway, I liked that I'm excited about seeing someone. I liked that it made me energetic and cheerful at work. So I took all the over time I could just to spend more time with him at work and after too. He lives in the same neighborhood so I always offered to give him a ride whenever I can.
This whole time, I always played it cool. I never liked letting others know when I like someone. So I made sure at work that there's no special treatment whatsoever. But usually when I like someone, I do end up being sorta bitchy. I think the idea of being discovered is so embarrassing that I become the opposite of what I really feel for the guy. The thing with this guy is I so am not bitchy to him at all. Like, I just can't be mean to him. Period. This is partly the reason why I'm not sure if I really do like him since I'm not reacting the way I usually do.
So the moment of truth crashes on me a day or 2 after the Christmas potluck hosted by our co-worker. There's another story behind this but the gist of it is that my gay co-worker (who knows I like the same guy) asked me to confess for him. After the party, I was driving his car since he was responsible enough to know he drank 1.5 bottle of brandy (yet sounding and looking sober as ever). That's when I told him about our gay co-worker. His response was very professional. He wasn't grossed out by the fact that a gay guy likes him... he actually kinda chuckled saying he had lots of gay friends; possibly hinting he's had more than one gay admirer. It was by far one of the nicest rejection one can hope for. Though it wasn't meant for me, I saw how the news affected my gay friend. A day or 2 after, I started freaking out about how will my confession be like when its my turn. Then the fact that I'm freaking out over a crush started getting me all nutty because I didn't realize how much I like this guy. I called my 2 best friends and needed girl talk... took a whole lot of calming down.
I've decided not to over-think too much of the what if's. Enjoy whatever time I have with him. But its so hard because I try and ignore him so I don't have to decode whatever action/gesture he just did but then he seems to communicate with me more when I do ignore him. On top of all this, I do feel guilty about my gay friend's crush not working out. So that's like another reason not to confess just yet but I do wanna get this roller coaster emotion ride over with. Since I'm sorta on a stalemate here, all I can do is rant about my overly-biased (or perhaps not) theory on if he likes me back or not.
Why I think he likes me:
1.) I'm confident that I know him best out of all our co-workers and vice versa he knows me best too.
2.) There was one time where he was in deep thought while working alone and I jokingly called his attention by saying "pssst". Ever since then our text messages for each other begins with "pssst".
3.) He calls me Miss. I haven't heard him call anyone else that. He did call someone my age "Ate" (big sister) so that's an indicator at least that he doesn't see me as a sister. Although I'm only 2 years older so its not like its a huge age gap.
4.) I think he sorta is trying to find out what stuff we have in common. Like what drink I like, chocolate, music, etc. Its kinda funny coz I think our choices of drinks are no where similar. In fact he always makes jokes about my drink choices saying stuff like "coconut juice is like very diluted milk" or "peppermint tea is like very diluted toothpaste". On the bright side, we like the same alcoholic drinks.
5.) On my birthday we spent 4 hours together over coffee and he also was there for the sushi party. If we include our work shift... that's 17 hours spent with him. My best friends said that the coffee talk was a date. I said not really coz I invited him on my birthday so he really couldn't say no. And I paid for our drinks but only coz he already bought me some chocolate. Also, that was our only time spent together with just us 2.
6.) He might've just slipped or he meant it or I'm just over-thinking it. He was doing his rounds and was saying "looks good" when checking the sections at work. When he saw me, he said "you look good". Now, I wish I got a good look at his facial reaction when he said that.
Why I think he doesn't like me:
1.) The part about us knowing each other best is mostly a product of my inviting him to group hang outs. I honestly don't feel it was something he'd wanna tell me on his own. Like, I had to initiate everything before he would tell me about himself. And I think he just can't say no to anyone at all so this getting to know each other stage feels a little one-sided.
2.) I don't feel that he treats me differently from others. I know he respects me as a co-worker and probably even saw me as a competition for the promotion he eventually got. It's also possible he can't treat me differently because that would be favoritism. And equally possible is that he's just like me when it comes to being embarrassed about being discovered so he acts it out all cool.
3.) He had a lot of chance to hang out with me one on one but never acted upon it. If you like someone, wouldn't you take whatever possibility you have to spend time with them.
Well after typing this up, I feel much better venting. Also seeing that I actually have more reasons to believe he likes me than not. Today I guess I'm extra giddy because another co-worker (one who's same level as him) outright suggested to him to date me. I wasn't sure how to react so I sorta joked that they don't know what if we're already secretly going out. He was just quiet and I didn't dare look his way. But anywho, at least the idea got planted, if ever. And apparently other co-workers agree that us 2 can actually date each other.
This whole NBIL business might actually end. I don't know. I haven't decided... if its even possible to decide on it. There's this guy at work who really caught my attention since day 1 coz he had such a cute smile. I'm a sucker for dimples and those "happy smiley eyes". I really thought nothing of it but then I guess as I talked to him more and more that grew to respect to admiration and then to crush or whatever it is now.
At first, I was really giddy just having a crush again. My university days were so boring coz I couldn't even have a crush since there was no guy whom I had similar classes with. So in 1 semester, I'd see my classmates just 13 times (once a week). That's not even enough time for me to get to know them, forget about developing feelings. Anyway, I liked that I'm excited about seeing someone. I liked that it made me energetic and cheerful at work. So I took all the over time I could just to spend more time with him at work and after too. He lives in the same neighborhood so I always offered to give him a ride whenever I can.
This whole time, I always played it cool. I never liked letting others know when I like someone. So I made sure at work that there's no special treatment whatsoever. But usually when I like someone, I do end up being sorta bitchy. I think the idea of being discovered is so embarrassing that I become the opposite of what I really feel for the guy. The thing with this guy is I so am not bitchy to him at all. Like, I just can't be mean to him. Period. This is partly the reason why I'm not sure if I really do like him since I'm not reacting the way I usually do.
So the moment of truth crashes on me a day or 2 after the Christmas potluck hosted by our co-worker. There's another story behind this but the gist of it is that my gay co-worker (who knows I like the same guy) asked me to confess for him. After the party, I was driving his car since he was responsible enough to know he drank 1.5 bottle of brandy (yet sounding and looking sober as ever). That's when I told him about our gay co-worker. His response was very professional. He wasn't grossed out by the fact that a gay guy likes him... he actually kinda chuckled saying he had lots of gay friends; possibly hinting he's had more than one gay admirer. It was by far one of the nicest rejection one can hope for. Though it wasn't meant for me, I saw how the news affected my gay friend. A day or 2 after, I started freaking out about how will my confession be like when its my turn. Then the fact that I'm freaking out over a crush started getting me all nutty because I didn't realize how much I like this guy. I called my 2 best friends and needed girl talk... took a whole lot of calming down.
I've decided not to over-think too much of the what if's. Enjoy whatever time I have with him. But its so hard because I try and ignore him so I don't have to decode whatever action/gesture he just did but then he seems to communicate with me more when I do ignore him. On top of all this, I do feel guilty about my gay friend's crush not working out. So that's like another reason not to confess just yet but I do wanna get this roller coaster emotion ride over with. Since I'm sorta on a stalemate here, all I can do is rant about my overly-biased (or perhaps not) theory on if he likes me back or not.
Why I think he likes me:
1.) I'm confident that I know him best out of all our co-workers and vice versa he knows me best too.
2.) There was one time where he was in deep thought while working alone and I jokingly called his attention by saying "pssst". Ever since then our text messages for each other begins with "pssst".
3.) He calls me Miss. I haven't heard him call anyone else that. He did call someone my age "Ate" (big sister) so that's an indicator at least that he doesn't see me as a sister. Although I'm only 2 years older so its not like its a huge age gap.
4.) I think he sorta is trying to find out what stuff we have in common. Like what drink I like, chocolate, music, etc. Its kinda funny coz I think our choices of drinks are no where similar. In fact he always makes jokes about my drink choices saying stuff like "coconut juice is like very diluted milk" or "peppermint tea is like very diluted toothpaste". On the bright side, we like the same alcoholic drinks.
5.) On my birthday we spent 4 hours together over coffee and he also was there for the sushi party. If we include our work shift... that's 17 hours spent with him. My best friends said that the coffee talk was a date. I said not really coz I invited him on my birthday so he really couldn't say no. And I paid for our drinks but only coz he already bought me some chocolate. Also, that was our only time spent together with just us 2.
6.) He might've just slipped or he meant it or I'm just over-thinking it. He was doing his rounds and was saying "looks good" when checking the sections at work. When he saw me, he said "you look good". Now, I wish I got a good look at his facial reaction when he said that.
Why I think he doesn't like me:
1.) The part about us knowing each other best is mostly a product of my inviting him to group hang outs. I honestly don't feel it was something he'd wanna tell me on his own. Like, I had to initiate everything before he would tell me about himself. And I think he just can't say no to anyone at all so this getting to know each other stage feels a little one-sided.
2.) I don't feel that he treats me differently from others. I know he respects me as a co-worker and probably even saw me as a competition for the promotion he eventually got. It's also possible he can't treat me differently because that would be favoritism. And equally possible is that he's just like me when it comes to being embarrassed about being discovered so he acts it out all cool.
3.) He had a lot of chance to hang out with me one on one but never acted upon it. If you like someone, wouldn't you take whatever possibility you have to spend time with them.
Well after typing this up, I feel much better venting. Also seeing that I actually have more reasons to believe he likes me than not. Today I guess I'm extra giddy because another co-worker (one who's same level as him) outright suggested to him to date me. I wasn't sure how to react so I sorta joked that they don't know what if we're already secretly going out. He was just quiet and I didn't dare look his way. But anywho, at least the idea got planted, if ever. And apparently other co-workers agree that us 2 can actually date each other.
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