Big Kid Throws a Tantrum

I really feel like going belly down on the floor and flopping my arms and legs while wailing like a damn beluga. I'm not sure what happened but its like something finally got my switches flipped and I am totally feeling like being a grade A top knotch biotch.

Every damn small thing is making me angry. Some are valid angry moments and others are just plain ridiculous but its like I don't care and I just wanna be vicious.

1.) My last licensing exam. I've been waiting for the damn letter to notify me of my seat for the exam. My classmate who applied 2 days after me, got it last week on Thursday. So I'm effing confused how her application got processed before mine. If they're going alphabetical by applicant's last name, her last name is just a letter before mine. Seriously doubt it takes a day, a full weekend and another day for my mail to arrive after hers. We're both on the same stages of the licensing process too. So where's my damn letter? Ugh. It says online that I should only call if its within the 1 week window. That's a little late in my opinion. What about the poor folks who finds out they don't have a spot to write the exam and they took a week off at work to study.

2.) A group of church friends wanted to make/give a present for our Pastor's birthday. I told them about taking pics from my polaroid and putting in a frame... all of which I can get prepared since I know they're busy. I just ask that they meet me for 5 minutes. No one effing replies. I know they read the post. All they had to say was yes, no, maybe. But not a single effing reply. This isn't the first time where I try to arrange something and no one replies. Dude, I've been through school and work and most often than not.. both at the same time. I know how busy one can get. I'm also busy myself. But I really really find it disrespectful when someone doesn't even acknowledge your question when you know they read it. Plus you've already suggested ways to make it easy for them but no... not even a thank you. I wouldn't take offense if they didn't like the photo idea. I've emphasized time and again that we can do something else. This is supposed to be the group where we trust each other and pray for each other but I can't even get a single damn project to work out with these people.

3.) My mom has been irking me a lot these days. I figure it adds up to one thing. She's getting old and you know how old people can be stubborn. Like on Friday, I got mad how she can be so inconsiderate towards me. She wanted us to go sleepover at my brother's place to visit my new nephew but kept telling me to ask. What I don't get is why me? She can ask herself, she's the one who wants to go. And the funny thing is she tells me to ask but then there's also times she tells me that I'm too disrespectful because I just go to my brother's place likes its my own place and eat their food like its my own food. How I see it is that she wants to be able to go to my brother's place like how I do but is too shy in her old fashioned way about it and insist on hiding behind my so-called "disrespectful" way. So anyway, we finally got to the go signal to sleepover there. My mom then tells me she'll just visit someone at the hospital first before getting home. The person is on the end of life care program so I understood why she had to go. It was around 7:30 pm and I started wondering where she was. Turns out she's grocery shopping. What the fuck. I wanna go to my brother's place to see the kids awake. What was the point of us sleeping over there if the people we're visiting are asleep? She then said it was for our breakfast tomorrow. Ummm... then wouldn't the better solution be to visit tomorrow after breakfast? Sheesh. So long story short I drive at 9 pm to visit no one. Other things that irk me is when she'd ask me a question when she'd figure out the answer herself in half a second. Like that time she had her hand on the door lock and asks me if I locked the door. I said, why don't you go check. Then she goes on saying I'm being rude. All the while, I'm just thinking FML woman. Your hands are literally on the lock. You just twist left or right and you'd know. Besides if I had said yes or no... she'd still check anyway and lock it herself. She also thinks its rude when I say I know. She goes on saying why can't you say yes mom or no mom. I know is just I know, quit translating it to tagalog and adding the tone you are imagining which I'm definitely not giving off. Although these days I probably am giving it off more than usual because you are getting too defensive about my so called attitude. The more you think I have an attitude, the more I'll show it.

4.) Work. I know they're just going through the protocols but these on call shifts are getting ridiculous. People should've just given their shifts away in the first place instead of scrambling last minute to find a replacement. Ohhh and I couldn't believe they still posted a full time line knowing well that the casuals and part times aren't getting any good amount of shifts. Couldn't they wait till next year when the casuals have earned their license? What's the hurry to hire a new person when there's no budget and the current staff you have are demanding for more hours.

BWAHHHHHHH! End of tantrum I think. Yeah, sorry to sound like a brat. Like I said, dunno where it came from.

Shellfish

Sometimes when I get jealous, I also start feeling angry. At first it'd be at the person I'm jealous of then at myself because its not like that person did anything bad. The next thing you know I'm hating myself for being so selfish.

Why is it so easy to want the things other people have and not notice the good things we already have?

I keep asking myself that question. I know I have many things I'm thankful for... like having a home, a family, friends, education and good health. Some people aren't as fortunate as me. But my selfish side is saying (sarcastically) that I should be thankful as long as someone else has it worse than me. Well that doesn't sound like a good way to cheer myself up.

In addition, I find these are the basic things we should all be getting in life. In an ideal world everyone should have a home, a family, friends and all these good things. The reason why I'm even more upset is because the thing I'm jealous about is one of these basic things as well. I'm baffled at how easy it is for others to have this thing. Sometimes I wonder if its the way I was brought up or the way I look or my personality or just my luck as to why this thing hasn't come my way.

Everyone says I'm still young and got time but I'm thinking well they (the people I'm jealous of) are young too (some even younger). What's driving me bonkers too is that I know that thing is out there for me. But I can't really stand the idea of waiting anymore when everyone you know has it already. So this SHELLFISH person wants to know... when is it my turn?

PS: Total deja vu but I feel like I posted this already and it may even have had the same title... perhaps on another blog.

Sucks being the middle man

So drama is still going on at work. It's perhaps doubled coz another set of friends are sorta drifting apart but at least this set is more mature and handle things the right way. So I know I should just butt out of this one coz I'll just be propagating the argument if I become nosey.

Anyway, CF and GF are my main concern. They still aren't talking. It's come to a point that CF doesn't wanna tolerate this bullshit anymore and is planning to give me her resignation letter to pass onto our supervisor CD. I seriously think that's one crappy way to deal with things but I do understand that sometimes it is better to just leave and give space to each other. It's really unfair though.. why does someone have to quit.. why can't our supervisors be our friends. I can just imagine HR saying "I told you so".

I guess its really a bad combination. Jealous, immature, insecure and nosey folks... all being eaten out by stress from both work and personal lives. With my own work problem, at first I thought maybe I was being mean by accepting too many leadership positions. But I've come to realize that getting what I am recognized for isn't something I should feel bad about. If my supervisors think I am more capable of handling such tasks than my co-workers then they should just be quiet or try and improve themselves instead of being envious and making me look bad. I've decided that I'll take all the shifts they think I deserve. If a promotion comes at the right time, I'll take that too. I'm no longer gonna be sorry for being better.

You know, I'm so fired up to fix friendships and prove certain co-workers to just shut up and maybe work harder before complaining about my hours that I really haven't been thinking of CD at all. I think that's a major sign that I've really gotten over him. I'm kinda surprised myself since I didn't think it'd disappear just like that. The only time his name came up was when I felt bad that he couldn't even be friends with us anymore as that would make it appear like he's choosing sides. All because of a misunderstanding between friends that got blown out of proportions coz some nosey folks keeps bringing it up and now are making all party involved feel awkward with each other. Its a good thing that I don't feel that way about him anymore, in case the nosey folks start bringing up my name too, at least I'd be confident when talking to CD that this was all in the past. Plus its one less problem for the poor guy. He maybe a great worker and leader but conflict-resolution is definitely not his thing.

Just when you're done dealing with one problem another one comes along

All those times of going back and forth... liking him and then unliking him. Sure can drive a girl nuts. And perhaps even appear bitchy in the end. But I'd like to believe I'm really gonna make it out of this with no damage done to anyone.

Maybe it's timing with GF pointing out the whole CD and CF possibly liking each other thing. Though I talked it out with CF and its a definite no on her side. On the other hand, I do notice CD being friendlier to CF. I think he really does like her but not enough for him to jeopardize his work. Anyway, it's this kinda stuff that I needed to make me move on. I've told my best friends that I really am starting to like him less and less but I knew there was still a chance for things to rekindle. The lack of interaction was definitely the primary cause. And it sucks that its coz people are misinterpreting my friendship with him (and the other supervisors) as favoritism so its like that chance was taken away from me. But now, I really am relieved. It's finally over! Actually, I'm also kinda curious if the 2 will end up together... almost cheering them on really. He still is definitely a great guy that any girl would die to have and she is an amazing friend.

So at least that problem is done and over with. CD is officially just a dude I work with (should really rename him JD though I'm not sure why I would still talk about him over here). Now my other problem is one that happened a long time ago but I sorta just brushed it off. It kinda resurfaced after some major realization. It's this whole issue of favoritism. I so badly regret making that joke but I really do not understand how that can make people who you thought were friends turn on you. My original group of friends at work are now the ones GF hang out with. I noticed that they seemed to stop inviting me to their outtings but GF always somehow made it. I figure its because during that time he was still jealous of me and how close I was to CD so I let him have his space and vent to "our friends". But after talking to CF, she pointed out that in reality that group was also insecure of me because of the amount of hours/attention I'm getting from the supervisors. Hence GF (though probably not intentionally) and them saw me as a common threat.

It's only now that they're being friendly to me again because now they see CF as a threat for GF's sake. Although I think I still get the stink eye from a few people because I'm still friends with CF. I honestly don't care about that group anymore. Although I'm really worried for GF and CF because those 2 had such a strong friendship. There's a misunderstanding right now for sure but GF being in that group is making the misunderstanding blow out of proportions. What's more, they're making CF look like the bad guy. I'm glad I told GF that even though him and CF don't get along anymore, I'm still both their friends and will go be with both persons when needed. Its just that right now, its hard to be with GF because he's got that huge group backing him up (without even really knowing both sides of the story) whilst CF only has me. Well, there are others from the new group I hang out with (which really was GF's old group) but they are neutral just like me only they prefer to butt out.

Anywho, now I'm just really disappointed at myself and these people. The reason why I stayed in this job was to make friends more than to make money. I don't need to deal with this sorta bullshit but I don't wanna leave behind some of the real friends I've made. What really sucks is that I'm not even trying! Not trying to be the best or work hard. I just naturally am that way. I do what I'm told. I also naturally do just wanna hang out with people and it so happen that the people willing to hang out after work are the supervisors. So why the eff was I singled out to look like I'm trying to buy out my boss' affections. The reason why I'm disappointed at myself is because I still care about how these insecure people think of me. I've been trying not to stand out (according to them anyway) by turning down my supervisor's requests. I even moved out of the section where I was put in charge most of the times so that they will see I'm willing to do the same exact work as them and not just captain all the time. But even that got translated as me seeking more territory. I finally found a new section where it only requires 2 people to work. At least then no one gets jealous of that or sees that I'm captaining since its a smaller group. The most disappointing thing I don't like about this side of me is that I can't even bring it up to my supervisors. I really like all of them and do not want them to get caught in this bullshit. But how do I exactly bring this up... ohh so you know how you say I'm a really good employee, well I need to be a shitty employee now coz my fellow co-workers are complaining about the hours and attention you've been giving me. What's more is that CD is my direct supervisor. I would be talking to him about this and the last thing I need is for him to feel sorry for me.

UGHH! I wish it was March of next year already. By then I can be a certified Pharmacy Technician and hopefully be dealing with much more mature co-workers.

The lunch room situation

Phew! Haven't had a real break to sit down and just rant away on this blog. Work has got me busy and exhausted... which may actually be a good thing because I spend less time shopping and am actually saving 90% of my earnings.

Anyway I decided to write about an all too familiar situation. I think the movie Mean Girls made it super clear, as well as the TV show Malcolm in the Middle... and really a bunch of other references.

That time where you're not sure which table to sit at and which person to converse with. One of those days where there's no written rule that limits you where you could be but somehow you still feel you must tread the waters carefully. As if the first table/chair you choose will be that one defining moment of your high school (or other) career.

It's been a month since I started at my new job and its pretty interesting seeing how this division in the lunch room works. There's around 30 people in my department. By far, I'd say the division is cultural at first. People of the same ethnic background eat together; probably to talk in the same language and share the same familiar food. Then there'd be the gender division (mostly for those who don't belong to a large ethnic group). But its funny coz its not like the girls talk about girly things while the guys talk about manly things. In fact both groups can sit together and enjoy the same conversation but for some reason each are just tight knit as separate groups. Now the last group would be the smokers who has to use their break time wisely. Being in the graveyard shift means every entrance/exit in the building has an alarm and can only be deactivated at a certain time and location. So these guys rarely have time to eat during break. Instead they go for breakfast together after work which I must say is really awesome. I haven't hung out with work people outside of work because we're all just too tired and wanna sleep or have to go to our next job.

Outside of the lunch room though is different, everyone still works together. Not always harmoniously as one would like to think. For instance, many complaints have gone around this past week. I'm pretty worried how the group chemistry would be once some people are let go (failing the probationary period) or if some more people are added. I think its still a bit early to change the dynamics of it all but sadly its not my call.

Anyway, I'm just glad that out of the 30 people I work with, I can clearly say that I enjoy working with about 7 of them, 20 people I am good working with (meaning we each do our job properly but I don't enjoy their company as much) and 3 that I seriously wish I never have to be with. I'd say those statistics are looking good.