Its not like that anymore

Aside from officially starting my career, December has been an awesome month. I am also back with my overnight team. This time a little smarter and avoiding drama when I can. That being said, I am no longer infatuated with CD but I do get curious once in  a while. I often think what if so and so happened this way, how would things be. Its kinda weird because I feel like I won't be able to move on without figuring out the answer, whether I like the outcome or not. But its probably more because I really don't wanna feel confused like that again and not so much because of CD himself.

A lot of people are curious as to when I'll be introducing someone to them. I know they mean well but its not like its my choice for how things are the way they are. So instead of going nuts over this, I'll just deal with what I know I can... which at the moment is making myself financially independent. I figure by the time he comes along, there's one less problem for us to fight about.

So here's to a brand new year. 2015 was the year I always felt many changes are bound to happen (see 5 year plan of 2013). Though I guess career hunting came sooner than expected. Anyway, here's the new 5 year plan of 2015.

2015: move out; licensing exams
2016: hermit mode
2017: travel
2018: engagement?
2019: marriage? (yeah kinda aiming high here lol)

Fruition

I can finally see all those years of education taking fruition. And yes I had to google how to use the word "fruition", especially since I thought it was "fruitition". Well to be honest, I could've probably gotten the same fruition by skipping university and going to community college instead. Totally backwards right? I remember when I placed university higher than community college in every way imaginable. But this is how I see it now:

If you just wanna study for a short amount of time and gain a very specific set of skills then go for community college. Considering how high tuition cost these days, this is probably the best way to go. If you plan to study longer, perhaps getting a masters or PhD then university for sure. These days bachelors don't mean anything.

Here's kind of a breakdown of the 2 paths I had/might've taken for post-secondary.

To be an elementary teacher at a public school:
4 years for a bachelors at university (~$40,000) + 1 year for second bachelors (~$10,000) = salary of ~$43,000 annually for entry level

To be a pharmacy technician at a hospital:
7 months for a certificate at a community college (~$3,000) + 4 licensing/training exams (~$2,500) = salary of ~$44,000 annually

Whichever path you guys choose just remember to do a bit of research first. Had I known I would've/could've taken this program right after high school, I could've started my career as a pharmacy technician years ago and be earning way more than that. Of course it's not always about the money, I also had other reasons why I decided teaching wasn't for me.

The hype is over

Starting to feel burned out... like I've learned all that I can (at least the theoretical components). At the same time scared that I'm getting thrown out towards the real world very soon. Just 4 more days of classes and 6 more days of exam to be exact. Brain can't really handle any more information. Body isn't feeling like doing stupid last minute homework that could've been given to us 2-4 weeks ago when we were doing nothing.

Realizing I've got at least 1 more year to be fully licensed. Adding up the cost of each licensing exam and special training. Hoping against odds that I can make up for that cost and risking it all for a chance just to be "casual".

Ugh! My head hurts from going back and forth telling myself: you're almost there but at the same time am I really ever gonna get there.

2015 is going to be an expensive and trying year for sure. So I guess I'll look forward to 2016 instead.

[[Update: Sept 26, 2014]]
So my lab demonstrator just told me a couple of days ago that I got the highest mark so far on our error checking exercise. Then the next day she told me that my preceptor for my practicum emailed her to tell her how impressed she (the preceptor) was by me. My lab demonstrator basically just gave a really good reference about me and my preceptor practically told my lab demonstrator that she wants to hire me, even though we've only chatted on the phone.

God is good! I really need this job and hope that its everything I hope it to be.

M for motivation

I think its cool that my name starts with the same letter as motivation because dang... the stuff that you can do when you're motivated. So I'm not going to brag but I do know I am smart and capable but I also know I'm lazy and somewhat selfish. If I'm not getting anything out of something, I would never bother putting all of my effort in it. For the most part, that's how school has always been.

In elementary, I had one of the poorest grades (not necessarily failing but in a class of 30 students I usually got around the 27th "highest" marks). Why? Because I know all I needed is 75% to graduate and go to the next grade level. Plus its pretty pointless after seeing how stressed my classmates were at trying to impress their parents. In high school, I actually was more motivated to get higher grades. Still not the highest, again, I don't see the point if you're just trying to impress your mom or dad. But it was significantly higher; my GPA was 3.36 when I graduated Gr. 12. Interestingly enough, what motivated me was because it was that much easier to get higher grades coz I finally had classmates who were lazier than me. Haha! Then it got bad again in university. Still the same rational as before but also I think whatever your GPA is (granted that its above or at the passing mark), you still get the same piece of paper saying bachelors of something something. When you get a job interview, its nice to see that you got such and such degree but its really your personality that will shine through. So I figure, I didn't have to try too much... especially since my career ambition wasn't that high anyway. But let's get something straight, if I wanted to be a surgeon, you bet I'd study my ass off.

It's not until now that I've been really motivated to study hard. Why? Because I know there's a promising career at the end of this program. I'm also really enjoying what I'm learning. And the most important part, I'm doing this for myself... and not to impress anyone.

Yes, its a little scary since semester 2 has now begun. I'm that much closer to doing my practicum; to taking my license exams; to doing that job interview. But even then, I'm still motivate to move forward... and maintain that 4.02 GPA I now have. Hehe.

[Update: July 26, 2014]
First assignment for semester 2, I got the highest mark. Boo yeah!

My brain won't shut up

I think its too excited about the endless possibilities of tomorrow. Even though I'm lacking sleep and actually do have time to sleep, I can't because my brain is just on fire. Its been re-writing over and over again how my life potentially could be for this year and next. Like how school is starting in a month and a half and that I'll only have to study for 7 months, do some training, write a couple of exams and finally land a career I actually do care about. Then next year my potentially new home will be ready. Everything brand-spanking new plus I get to live on my own again.

Just the idea of all these new beginnings is enough to make me happy!

Of course the best new beginning would be finding a new crush. Its kinda sad to say this but I do miss CD only coz I miss the hype of having a crush. When I see him there's no more internal-elementary-school-girl-screaming. Instead I'm seeing more and more why I don't like him as much. Like the things that I wouldn't have minded back then now seem major valid reasons why I shouldn't like him. DP said I'm probably in denial and this is my self-defence mechanism kicking in. But if that's true then I should feel more bothered when he's around me. If any, being with him actually makes me miss and at the same time pity the old me. In some way I really am relieved of having to over-think everything he does but I also miss that part of me that's always hopeful.

The sucker part is that now I can be with him without automatically translating everything he says/does, it seems like we're actually really communicating again. And knowing me, it'll only take so little before I start feeling something for him again.

[March 19, 2014 UPDATE]
Gah! It's starting. The over-thinking. Last night's shift had more communication with CD than usual since there was only 5 of us working. As we were getting ready to go home, he asked if I am working tonight to which I replied no then he casually adds that he also has the night off. I already knew he wanted the night off so he can work on Saturday instead to be there for the other supervisor's last day. But then I started thinking why is he telling me he got tonight off when he knows that I already know he got it off. Anyway, the good part is that I'm only at the "what was that about" stage. I haven't actually began creating scenarios in my head trying to break down what really probably is a simple conversation.

Dreaming about the future

Dreams can really be confusing. The kind you get from sleep; though dreams like hope can be confusing-ish too. They can be happy or sad. Comforting or frightening. Some feels like it goes on forever while others are cut too short. But the most confusing ones are the ones that feel like it might be predicting something about the future. In my case, they're not necessarily recurring but rather those that inexplicably come up and feel like they hold some important value.

My favorite one was when I dreamt of my nephew. I only had one niece at the time and no nephew. But anyway, in the dream, we were in a brand new house (I think it was my sister's). As I enter the house, I rush straight to the kitchen window where there's a nice view of the back porch and yard. 2 girls (presumably my nieces) around the ages of 5 and 7 years old were sitting on the hanging bench with their backs on the window. I open the window and jokingly teased the girls because they didn't say hi to their "favorite" auntie. Then the girls turned around and beamed up smiling then started yelling hi. A few minutes later the front door opens and its my sister and her husband carrying a newborn baby boy. We all settle in the kitchen and start crowding around the baby.

I had this dream while I was living by myself in another country. Needless to say, I was homesick. But it's always been my favorite because it reminds me how lucky I am to have a family that's growing healthily and happily. I also really like it because in the dream, there actually was someone else with me as I entered that house. I couldn't remember the face or the name (if it ever came up) but it felt like the guy is my boyfriend who's made my family like his own.

Ever since then, I told myself by the time I get a nephew (or become a 3rd time aunt) I should be getting a boyfriend. Now I am gonna be a 3rd time aunt and it is gonna be a nephew. Just a few more days till the proud moment!! Of course not everything in the dream became true. For instance, I now do have 2 nieces but one from my sister and one from my brother. In the dream both nieces felt like they came from my brother. In real life, its my sister-in-law who is giving me a nephew and not my sister. The age of the girls are quite a few years off. And my sister's house doesn't have a back porch; nor does my brother's. So really the only things that were correct were the orders of the children: 2 girls and 1 boy. But I'm still hoping that the mystery guy does show up sometime before baby #4 from whichever sibling arrives.

Now here's the kicker. A few days after having that dream. I had another one that was more like a puzzle. I'm not sure how it started and what it was really about. The only reason it stuck to me till now was because when I woke up, I yelled out the numbers 3-1-4. I kept trying to figure out what it meant. Obviously not lottery numbers. Not related to anything I was dealing with at the moment or something I might've recently encountered. The only conclusion I got was it somehow could be about March 2014 or possibly even March 14th itself. I don't know anyone born that day. But for now, I just tell myself something important will happen then.

So putting those together. I'll definitely be happy if on March 2014 I found my mystery guy. Or I guess with my most recent situation, I'd be very happy if CD does become my mystery guy.