Just Keep Swimming

Sometimes I get into this state of "meh". Its like I've accepted today, like any other day, would be the same routine. Outta bed, go to work, eat, back to bed. Its that stuck in a rut kinda feel but not as depressing.

I know I should be more happy because things are slightly moving along. I did get the 2nd part time job. Its hella boring but at least it pays. I've been there just over a month now and I already got a recognition. They have this pretty cool award system; you get a fossil watch, cash, or choose from their catalog... depending on what you won and how many times you've won. I'm 2 recognitions away from that watch and cash prize. =P

Moving out is becoming more and more real day by day. Just waiting for the go signal for move in date and signing mortgage papers. I'm kinda scared that I won't be able to be freely spend as I like because my hours still hasn't gone up at the hospital and soon my financial needs would like triple in size. Mind you, I don't spend a lot and rarely on expensive things. But when I do like something even if its expensive, I would buy it.

On the dating front. I actually met a guy online and we did meet once. Unfortunately, I'm really not feeling anything. Interesting guy to talk with online but what's really getting at me is that I think he needs a friend more than a girlfriend. Who knows maybe that girlfriend is the friend he needs but I don't think that its me. I'm actually now somewhat figuring out how to tell him this. I have a feeling he isn't seeing other girls because we're still talking to each other. I don't want him to miss out on meeting his Ms. Right. But at the same time, knowing his current situation, I can tell he just needs someone to talk things out and I'm willing to be the friend that listens so bringing up that I'm not interested in him seems rather mean at this point.

On the bright side, I'm glad this is as bad as how my problems can be right now. They're pretty minute compared to what others face on a daily basis.

Stuck in 5th gear

A little play on words here. Only those who knows CD's real name will get it.

Anyway, I should probably clarify myself a bit here. I'm not saying I'm strung over him. Its just I have to admit... its been hard finding someone to like after him. I've yet to meet a guy my age who has the same qualities that I liked from CD. The closest happens to be way much younger. He's cuter than CD but definitely a no no since I sort of view him as a little brother and I think he respects me as a big sister too.

There's no one at work that I'm particularly interested at... and thank goodness for that. Can't afford any drama there. My very limited social circle also has zero available dudes that I am interested in. So I'm left here thinking if I'm really over CD or there's just really no one yet.

You know, I probably wouldn't feel as affected about this if there weren't people constantly trying to find someone for me. They mean well but I'm not really interested in long distance relationships. If I'm getting a boyfriend I want one that I can actually spend real time with.

I kinda wanna chuckle about the CD situation though coz I remember distinctly telling myself that I will confess to him if I still like him by the time one of us leaves the company. Well, now we're both leaving. I just don't know if I still like him and if there's still a point to it. Now its like I wanna change that to if we happen to see each other again and regularly for that matter then yes, I'll try to make a move that time. But I can only say that confidently coz I'm almost 100% sure we won't even see each other anymore... even though we live in the same neighborhood.

Some of you might be laughing at this very childish version of me. But that's just who I really am. I would never be the first to admit something like a crush. I probably would want to kick my own ass in the end but I always figured if he liked me back, he'd be able to tell how much he is driving me nuts.

Dreaming about the future

Dreams can really be confusing. The kind you get from sleep; though dreams like hope can be confusing-ish too. They can be happy or sad. Comforting or frightening. Some feels like it goes on forever while others are cut too short. But the most confusing ones are the ones that feel like it might be predicting something about the future. In my case, they're not necessarily recurring but rather those that inexplicably come up and feel like they hold some important value.

My favorite one was when I dreamt of my nephew. I only had one niece at the time and no nephew. But anyway, in the dream, we were in a brand new house (I think it was my sister's). As I enter the house, I rush straight to the kitchen window where there's a nice view of the back porch and yard. 2 girls (presumably my nieces) around the ages of 5 and 7 years old were sitting on the hanging bench with their backs on the window. I open the window and jokingly teased the girls because they didn't say hi to their "favorite" auntie. Then the girls turned around and beamed up smiling then started yelling hi. A few minutes later the front door opens and its my sister and her husband carrying a newborn baby boy. We all settle in the kitchen and start crowding around the baby.

I had this dream while I was living by myself in another country. Needless to say, I was homesick. But it's always been my favorite because it reminds me how lucky I am to have a family that's growing healthily and happily. I also really like it because in the dream, there actually was someone else with me as I entered that house. I couldn't remember the face or the name (if it ever came up) but it felt like the guy is my boyfriend who's made my family like his own.

Ever since then, I told myself by the time I get a nephew (or become a 3rd time aunt) I should be getting a boyfriend. Now I am gonna be a 3rd time aunt and it is gonna be a nephew. Just a few more days till the proud moment!! Of course not everything in the dream became true. For instance, I now do have 2 nieces but one from my sister and one from my brother. In the dream both nieces felt like they came from my brother. In real life, its my sister-in-law who is giving me a nephew and not my sister. The age of the girls are quite a few years off. And my sister's house doesn't have a back porch; nor does my brother's. So really the only things that were correct were the orders of the children: 2 girls and 1 boy. But I'm still hoping that the mystery guy does show up sometime before baby #4 from whichever sibling arrives.

Now here's the kicker. A few days after having that dream. I had another one that was more like a puzzle. I'm not sure how it started and what it was really about. The only reason it stuck to me till now was because when I woke up, I yelled out the numbers 3-1-4. I kept trying to figure out what it meant. Obviously not lottery numbers. Not related to anything I was dealing with at the moment or something I might've recently encountered. The only conclusion I got was it somehow could be about March 2014 or possibly even March 14th itself. I don't know anyone born that day. But for now, I just tell myself something important will happen then.

So putting those together. I'll definitely be happy if on March 2014 I found my mystery guy. Or I guess with my most recent situation, I'd be very happy if CD does become my mystery guy.

NBIL - Never Been in Love

So here's a topic I rarely share.. just coz people tend to think it can't possibly be true. But yes, I have never been in love. Call it lame, fear of rejection, or commitment issues... whatever you want, its still true. I've never had a boyfriend, gone on a "real" date or been kissed. I'm a bit old school and would like to have been dated first before getting kissed (or going in a relationship for that matter). Then you realize I'm 24 years old, so you probably think its pathetic.

I've had my fair share of crushes, though those don't count as the real deal. I do get the same giddyness whenever I see the guy I'm crushing on. I like how I can be restless just thinking about seeing him the next day. But even I know its not love. Because the part where I want him to love me back, its not in that equation. I haven't met a guy who I wished loved me back. Just guys who I know are darn right amazing and would make some other girl really lucky.

I've tried figuring out why I am the way I am. Heck, even my best friend couldn't answer why when her boyfriend asked why I was single (btw, I so take it as a compliment when a guy wonders why I'm single). Here's what I keep telling myself, especially during my school days:

I do not need the drama during my most stressful period of my life where I am discovering what I want in life but somehow balancing that with what I need to do in life such as school, work, family and other commitments.

But now that school is over, I can actually afford the drama. The down side of having avoided it till now is that I have no clue how to deal with it. Not that those who have started dating since elementary have conquered the dating field. However, it'd still be great to have gotten over some drama jitters and know how to cruise my way around this and perhaps avoid some bullshit on my windshield.

I refuse to feel bad about me though. I do think everything happens for a reason and according to some cosmic timing as well. So some people fall in love early, some late. All that matters is that I know I'm not immune to love.

Here's to all who's in love, has loved and will be in love. May happiness be all around us!