Big Kid Throws a Tantrum

I really feel like going belly down on the floor and flopping my arms and legs while wailing like a damn beluga. I'm not sure what happened but its like something finally got my switches flipped and I am totally feeling like being a grade A top knotch biotch.

Every damn small thing is making me angry. Some are valid angry moments and others are just plain ridiculous but its like I don't care and I just wanna be vicious.

1.) My last licensing exam. I've been waiting for the damn letter to notify me of my seat for the exam. My classmate who applied 2 days after me, got it last week on Thursday. So I'm effing confused how her application got processed before mine. If they're going alphabetical by applicant's last name, her last name is just a letter before mine. Seriously doubt it takes a day, a full weekend and another day for my mail to arrive after hers. We're both on the same stages of the licensing process too. So where's my damn letter? Ugh. It says online that I should only call if its within the 1 week window. That's a little late in my opinion. What about the poor folks who finds out they don't have a spot to write the exam and they took a week off at work to study.

2.) A group of church friends wanted to make/give a present for our Pastor's birthday. I told them about taking pics from my polaroid and putting in a frame... all of which I can get prepared since I know they're busy. I just ask that they meet me for 5 minutes. No one effing replies. I know they read the post. All they had to say was yes, no, maybe. But not a single effing reply. This isn't the first time where I try to arrange something and no one replies. Dude, I've been through school and work and most often than not.. both at the same time. I know how busy one can get. I'm also busy myself. But I really really find it disrespectful when someone doesn't even acknowledge your question when you know they read it. Plus you've already suggested ways to make it easy for them but no... not even a thank you. I wouldn't take offense if they didn't like the photo idea. I've emphasized time and again that we can do something else. This is supposed to be the group where we trust each other and pray for each other but I can't even get a single damn project to work out with these people.

3.) My mom has been irking me a lot these days. I figure it adds up to one thing. She's getting old and you know how old people can be stubborn. Like on Friday, I got mad how she can be so inconsiderate towards me. She wanted us to go sleepover at my brother's place to visit my new nephew but kept telling me to ask. What I don't get is why me? She can ask herself, she's the one who wants to go. And the funny thing is she tells me to ask but then there's also times she tells me that I'm too disrespectful because I just go to my brother's place likes its my own place and eat their food like its my own food. How I see it is that she wants to be able to go to my brother's place like how I do but is too shy in her old fashioned way about it and insist on hiding behind my so-called "disrespectful" way. So anyway, we finally got to the go signal to sleepover there. My mom then tells me she'll just visit someone at the hospital first before getting home. The person is on the end of life care program so I understood why she had to go. It was around 7:30 pm and I started wondering where she was. Turns out she's grocery shopping. What the fuck. I wanna go to my brother's place to see the kids awake. What was the point of us sleeping over there if the people we're visiting are asleep? She then said it was for our breakfast tomorrow. Ummm... then wouldn't the better solution be to visit tomorrow after breakfast? Sheesh. So long story short I drive at 9 pm to visit no one. Other things that irk me is when she'd ask me a question when she'd figure out the answer herself in half a second. Like that time she had her hand on the door lock and asks me if I locked the door. I said, why don't you go check. Then she goes on saying I'm being rude. All the while, I'm just thinking FML woman. Your hands are literally on the lock. You just twist left or right and you'd know. Besides if I had said yes or no... she'd still check anyway and lock it herself. She also thinks its rude when I say I know. She goes on saying why can't you say yes mom or no mom. I know is just I know, quit translating it to tagalog and adding the tone you are imagining which I'm definitely not giving off. Although these days I probably am giving it off more than usual because you are getting too defensive about my so called attitude. The more you think I have an attitude, the more I'll show it.

4.) Work. I know they're just going through the protocols but these on call shifts are getting ridiculous. People should've just given their shifts away in the first place instead of scrambling last minute to find a replacement. Ohhh and I couldn't believe they still posted a full time line knowing well that the casuals and part times aren't getting any good amount of shifts. Couldn't they wait till next year when the casuals have earned their license? What's the hurry to hire a new person when there's no budget and the current staff you have are demanding for more hours.

BWAHHHHHHH! End of tantrum I think. Yeah, sorry to sound like a brat. Like I said, dunno where it came from.

Big Kid Reality

So we just had the walk through for my new place. I'm really moving out... and not like 1 year abroad kinda deal... but the real building my own home as a grown up kinda deal. Not saying this'll be my forever home but its a start.

I will be among those suckers who gotta pay mortgage. Mwahahaha.

I'm super excited but at the same time, I've never had this big of an expense before. Praying to God that He'll be providing me with my needs. Because like I asked before, if I wasn't gonna be able to afford it then Lord please turn down my mortgage application. But it looks like it went through. So God must have some big plans for me. Of course, I'll still be doing my fair share of hard work.

So so so so so can't wait to move in. 24/7 of such an amazing view. That fabulous feeling of decorating your own place from scratch. Color themes!!! Furniture shopping. And the best part; inviting the people you want and chilling at your own place and not having to worry about other family members having to hold your night back.

THANK YOU LORD for making this new years resolution come true.

Shellfish

Sometimes when I get jealous, I also start feeling angry. At first it'd be at the person I'm jealous of then at myself because its not like that person did anything bad. The next thing you know I'm hating myself for being so selfish.

Why is it so easy to want the things other people have and not notice the good things we already have?

I keep asking myself that question. I know I have many things I'm thankful for... like having a home, a family, friends, education and good health. Some people aren't as fortunate as me. But my selfish side is saying (sarcastically) that I should be thankful as long as someone else has it worse than me. Well that doesn't sound like a good way to cheer myself up.

In addition, I find these are the basic things we should all be getting in life. In an ideal world everyone should have a home, a family, friends and all these good things. The reason why I'm even more upset is because the thing I'm jealous about is one of these basic things as well. I'm baffled at how easy it is for others to have this thing. Sometimes I wonder if its the way I was brought up or the way I look or my personality or just my luck as to why this thing hasn't come my way.

Everyone says I'm still young and got time but I'm thinking well they (the people I'm jealous of) are young too (some even younger). What's driving me bonkers too is that I know that thing is out there for me. But I can't really stand the idea of waiting anymore when everyone you know has it already. So this SHELLFISH person wants to know... when is it my turn?

PS: Total deja vu but I feel like I posted this already and it may even have had the same title... perhaps on another blog.

Tearfest

I don't know if its just me or if I'm just being too girly sometimes but I do have a tendency to just want to cry for no apparent reason. I don't mean like a baby throwing tantrums. I'd like to think its more of a therapeutic process. I think it happens once I've dealt with too much emotion and I'm done processing it so now it's like I need a major stress release. Although I do remember reading somewhere that tears make our body produce more endorphins thus having that "happier" after-effect.

Depending on my mood I can watch dramas endlessly until I've cried all I can. Sometimes I sing till my throat hurts. Other times I just cuddle a pillow under my duvet and listen to really sad songs until I fall asleep. Lately though, all this blogging is becoming a great emotional outlet. I've also started writing on journals again (by journals I mean word document) and I almost immediately always write something as soon as my emotions get extreme. I think it helps me process my feelings and makes my tendency to over-think look stupid. It's actually pretty funny reading most of them again.

One of the most recent emotional rollercoaster ride is when GF pointed out something that irked him about the party a couple of Sundays ago. During that party CD got a little drunk; probably coz he didn't get enough sleep so it hit him a little faster than usual. There was of course photo sessions during the party and one of which our female common friend (hence forth called CF) asked to have a picture with CD. CD doesn't really like photo sessions that much but this time he agreed then jokingly leaned his head on CF's shoulders. After one shot, I think he realized what he's done so he covered his face and started moving around a lot so it was harder to take a picture. According to GF that's when he noticed that CF and CD may like each other and more so on the guy side. Of course GF is really torn because he is really close with CF.

When this was pointed out I wasn't really bothered but it definitely affected me. I began being more suspicious of both CF and CD. I know CF likes to be extra friendly with CD to tease GF and perhaps even test me on how I will react. For instance, I was actually really surprised that CD agreed to go watch a movie with me and CF. I just worked a shift, had a breakfast party and shopping with him and other co-workers so I was pretty sure he'd say no out of exhaustion. But there was no "maybe" it was a straight up "sure". I was gonna use the opportunity to observe how the 2 acts during the movie; even if it meant I might be a third wheel. However, CF cancelled because she wasn't able to fall asleep. I asked if she already told CD and she replied she did and that also he just slept a few hours ago. That's when I started having my emotional panic. How the hell does she know what time he slept... have they been texting the whole time. All these scenario started popping in my head.

I haven't seen CF since then but I know things between us are still the same. I definitely don't blame her if she does fall for him and him for her. She's a great friend like I mentioned before. However with CD, I worked one shift with him since the failed movie plan and I really felt like he's been avoiding me for some reason. He hasn't been smiling as much either. The latter half of the shift, I also started avoiding him.. not even making eye contact. Sounds childish I know but also I felt like he totally just forgot about me when he didn't call me for break. Basically, I know he's not angry at me but I just don't make a bleep in his radar either. According to another team leader he had an inkling that I didn't hear the break announcement but I guess that wasn't enough for him to confirm if I really did. Ohhh and guess what? I've been re-aligned to be under his team. He is now my direct supervisor. What great timing huh?

I'll really need to cry all these out pretty soon or I might just snap at the wrong person here.

All we need is a friend

Sometimes all we need is a good friend who's willing to listen to your crap and be on your side no matter what. I'm so glad that I have this kind of person in my life. Several, in fact, but like any other friendship different paths in life causes less communication. I don't blame us or our life choices. I'm just glad that during this time when my best friends feel a little distant, I have suddenly have another person I can rely on, especially at work.

It's kinda unexpected really. She's a nice person and really funny and easy to get along with but I never really saw us being close. We have more in common I guess in that we both love to tease and joke around but when it gets to serious stuff we're there for others more often than not. This is the same co-worker who was the first to notice when I had that really bad day. She looked for me the whole shift and then whenever she found me, she would repeatedly ask if I was okay. Then at the end of the shift, she texted me to see if I was fine. I've never met a person who's very caring as her when I never really thought we were that close.

Today we got paired to work on several projects and its probably my favorite shift of all time. We chatted a lot but we didn't get scolded because we were still faster than everyone. It helps that she already knows I like CD and we got to talk about him a lot. But what really made me happy was when she told me her thoughts about that person who complained about my getting more shifts. It still bothers me and I wanna know who but she managed to boost my confidence with simple words. We were actually talking about promotions and she wondered why I didn't apply yet. I said that I didn't want to unless they approached me because I don't want that jealous co-worker to think I'm being superior/snobbish again talking about promotions. She just paused there and then and started saying something like this:

What does that person care. If she/he can't perform at your level, he/she has no right to complain. And really at the end of it all, when everyone doesn't know what to do who do they go to but you. You're practically team lead by default.

So I really just beamed up when I realized that there are people who recognize my ability. And hearing this from another capable person just made me feel better. I'm 100% enjoying my job again. I won't let that jealous co-worker get inside my head any more. I'll just work my well deserved shifts and continue appreciating friends like this girl.