F

I just did my last portion for my licensing exam.

Annndddd I wanna kill myself.

I'm hella depressed and probably would be until those results get released on November.

You know what the sad part is though. Its not the lack of content that I studied. Coz honestly, I couldn't even think of what else I would study if I have to re-take it. Its my damn nerves.

I've done exams before where I'm a wreck but at least those are written exams and I get a good 5-10 minutes to calm myself. Whereas this exam is more practical and interactive and I've got more than 2 sets of eyes staring at me while I do my best to answer questions.

There were breaks in between stations but I used that to either pray or bang my head when no one's looking.

What would be sadder if I failed this is that I found out one of my classmates passed it and she was nearly failing in school back then.

So tomorrow, I might just go pig out and shop like crazy with my best friends to calm myself down and forget this nightmare.

What's done is done.

For the Lonely and Broken Hearted

During last week's pot bless event at my church's college group. A few of us girls and boys decided to talk about past love. Whether it was our first crush, last one or the one the just hurts us the most. I was really surprised at how LB opened up. Then the next thing you know, one by one, people just started talking about their "almost". Its kinda funny coz I would never expect some of them to go through what they had gone through. They are absolutely gorgeous, handsome, and fantastic people all around to be with.

Of course, I told them about CD. And how I was truly afraid to lose both CD and GF as a friend. But to be honest, I'm kinda glad I don't have to worry about them both anymore. At the same time though, I don't think I really wanna be around them any time soon. I feel like when I do see them again, I hope I'll have become a better person. You know, make them see what they've missed out on. Though I can't imagine having that sort of goal for the rest of my life. Proving yourself to others seem pretty pointless when those others don't care about you the way you do them.

So instead I'll share that caring feeling to the others who are lonely, broken and perhaps even neglected. Here's a poem I made for those either wishing to go back to those beautiful times or those wanting to jump ahead towards that better future.

I Miss The Way You’ll Love Me

Remember that time we’ll meet?

The way you’ll look standing across that street

Never again will my heart beat so fast

As when your eyes upon my face, it casts

Oh how the blood will rush to my cheek

Causing me to look away and still take a peek

How I miss when we’ll play pretend

Maybe even give mixed signals to send

When finally you’ll walk my way

And I’ll look up just in time to say

I miss the way you’ll love me

This much can you foresee?

Its not like that anymore

Aside from officially starting my career, December has been an awesome month. I am also back with my overnight team. This time a little smarter and avoiding drama when I can. That being said, I am no longer infatuated with CD but I do get curious once in  a while. I often think what if so and so happened this way, how would things be. Its kinda weird because I feel like I won't be able to move on without figuring out the answer, whether I like the outcome or not. But its probably more because I really don't wanna feel confused like that again and not so much because of CD himself.

A lot of people are curious as to when I'll be introducing someone to them. I know they mean well but its not like its my choice for how things are the way they are. So instead of going nuts over this, I'll just deal with what I know I can... which at the moment is making myself financially independent. I figure by the time he comes along, there's one less problem for us to fight about.

So here's to a brand new year. 2015 was the year I always felt many changes are bound to happen (see 5 year plan of 2013). Though I guess career hunting came sooner than expected. Anyway, here's the new 5 year plan of 2015.

2015: move out; licensing exams
2016: hermit mode
2017: travel
2018: engagement?
2019: marriage? (yeah kinda aiming high here lol)

Shellfish

Sometimes when I get jealous, I also start feeling angry. At first it'd be at the person I'm jealous of then at myself because its not like that person did anything bad. The next thing you know I'm hating myself for being so selfish.

Why is it so easy to want the things other people have and not notice the good things we already have?

I keep asking myself that question. I know I have many things I'm thankful for... like having a home, a family, friends, education and good health. Some people aren't as fortunate as me. But my selfish side is saying (sarcastically) that I should be thankful as long as someone else has it worse than me. Well that doesn't sound like a good way to cheer myself up.

In addition, I find these are the basic things we should all be getting in life. In an ideal world everyone should have a home, a family, friends and all these good things. The reason why I'm even more upset is because the thing I'm jealous about is one of these basic things as well. I'm baffled at how easy it is for others to have this thing. Sometimes I wonder if its the way I was brought up or the way I look or my personality or just my luck as to why this thing hasn't come my way.

Everyone says I'm still young and got time but I'm thinking well they (the people I'm jealous of) are young too (some even younger). What's driving me bonkers too is that I know that thing is out there for me. But I can't really stand the idea of waiting anymore when everyone you know has it already. So this SHELLFISH person wants to know... when is it my turn?

PS: Total deja vu but I feel like I posted this already and it may even have had the same title... perhaps on another blog.

Tearfest

I don't know if its just me or if I'm just being too girly sometimes but I do have a tendency to just want to cry for no apparent reason. I don't mean like a baby throwing tantrums. I'd like to think its more of a therapeutic process. I think it happens once I've dealt with too much emotion and I'm done processing it so now it's like I need a major stress release. Although I do remember reading somewhere that tears make our body produce more endorphins thus having that "happier" after-effect.

Depending on my mood I can watch dramas endlessly until I've cried all I can. Sometimes I sing till my throat hurts. Other times I just cuddle a pillow under my duvet and listen to really sad songs until I fall asleep. Lately though, all this blogging is becoming a great emotional outlet. I've also started writing on journals again (by journals I mean word document) and I almost immediately always write something as soon as my emotions get extreme. I think it helps me process my feelings and makes my tendency to over-think look stupid. It's actually pretty funny reading most of them again.

One of the most recent emotional rollercoaster ride is when GF pointed out something that irked him about the party a couple of Sundays ago. During that party CD got a little drunk; probably coz he didn't get enough sleep so it hit him a little faster than usual. There was of course photo sessions during the party and one of which our female common friend (hence forth called CF) asked to have a picture with CD. CD doesn't really like photo sessions that much but this time he agreed then jokingly leaned his head on CF's shoulders. After one shot, I think he realized what he's done so he covered his face and started moving around a lot so it was harder to take a picture. According to GF that's when he noticed that CF and CD may like each other and more so on the guy side. Of course GF is really torn because he is really close with CF.

When this was pointed out I wasn't really bothered but it definitely affected me. I began being more suspicious of both CF and CD. I know CF likes to be extra friendly with CD to tease GF and perhaps even test me on how I will react. For instance, I was actually really surprised that CD agreed to go watch a movie with me and CF. I just worked a shift, had a breakfast party and shopping with him and other co-workers so I was pretty sure he'd say no out of exhaustion. But there was no "maybe" it was a straight up "sure". I was gonna use the opportunity to observe how the 2 acts during the movie; even if it meant I might be a third wheel. However, CF cancelled because she wasn't able to fall asleep. I asked if she already told CD and she replied she did and that also he just slept a few hours ago. That's when I started having my emotional panic. How the hell does she know what time he slept... have they been texting the whole time. All these scenario started popping in my head.

I haven't seen CF since then but I know things between us are still the same. I definitely don't blame her if she does fall for him and him for her. She's a great friend like I mentioned before. However with CD, I worked one shift with him since the failed movie plan and I really felt like he's been avoiding me for some reason. He hasn't been smiling as much either. The latter half of the shift, I also started avoiding him.. not even making eye contact. Sounds childish I know but also I felt like he totally just forgot about me when he didn't call me for break. Basically, I know he's not angry at me but I just don't make a bleep in his radar either. According to another team leader he had an inkling that I didn't hear the break announcement but I guess that wasn't enough for him to confirm if I really did. Ohhh and guess what? I've been re-aligned to be under his team. He is now my direct supervisor. What great timing huh?

I'll really need to cry all these out pretty soon or I might just snap at the wrong person here.