Trips Down Memory Lane

Coz I swear, every time I remember him... I might as well really be tripping.

So how do you do it? How do you forget someone when every small little thing reminds you of him?

Before... it was just his car. If a white car zooms a long, it wouldn't take long for me to turn my head and check if it was him or not. I'd see what the make of the car was, if the plate matches. I think this started when we both were heading to work and ended up on the same intersection. I just made it to the orange light to do my left turn and his red light just went green so his car was now behind me. Then he changes lane and passes and takes over my car. When we arrived at the parking lot, we both got out of our own cars and he smiled at me saying he knew that it was me.

The most recent "trip down to memory lane" for me is when I drive to my other job... yes, it's a literal trip on a friggin lane. There's this particular street that I like to take because it barely had stop lights and it wasn't residential plus it had its curves so its pretty fun driving there. When I drove CD and our co-worker home during our last hang out, we ended up using that street by chance. CD mentioned he liked that street too for the exact same reason. So now, whenever I take that road, I end up thinking of him.

Ohhh mannn. Even McDonalds have a meaning now coz of our lunch breaks. Double cheeseburger for the win. Although he said I should try the CBO with strips of bacon and not the bits. Espresso also reminds me of him a lot. One of the first few things that I found out we had in common was our love for coffee. Gosshhh!! I can remember when we were still getting to know each other as co-workers. That time, I was convinced he might like me because he would be curious about the things I like or stuff we had in common.

Anyway point is.. its getting pretty ridiculous how much I miss him. Although knowing myself, the moment I see him again, I'd act all cool as if nothing is going on. I know I'm driving KC and DP nuts whenever CD gets involved. So I'm trying not to vent to them as much about this. Therefore, I am ranting here instead. It might take a bunch more posts before I completely stop mentioning CD here.

So here's an ultimatum for myself. If I do get a chance to hang out with him again one to one and not coz he's driving me home or vice versa... then I will tell him about how nuts he makes/made me feel. That way he can clearly voice out his opinion and I can do the same without others making this whole crush situation more difficult than it is.

[UPDATE: March 10, 2015]

Eff. Even going to the mailbox reminds me of him. Ughhh... why'd I have to show him this particular part of the sidewalk where I always trip whenever I go and grab our mail.

On the bright side, I saw him again on Sunday and I managed to act chill. Caught myself glancing at him once in awhile but that's about it. Success for not letting my imagination get in the way.

Stuck in 5th gear

A little play on words here. Only those who knows CD's real name will get it.

Anyway, I should probably clarify myself a bit here. I'm not saying I'm strung over him. Its just I have to admit... its been hard finding someone to like after him. I've yet to meet a guy my age who has the same qualities that I liked from CD. The closest happens to be way much younger. He's cuter than CD but definitely a no no since I sort of view him as a little brother and I think he respects me as a big sister too.

There's no one at work that I'm particularly interested at... and thank goodness for that. Can't afford any drama there. My very limited social circle also has zero available dudes that I am interested in. So I'm left here thinking if I'm really over CD or there's just really no one yet.

You know, I probably wouldn't feel as affected about this if there weren't people constantly trying to find someone for me. They mean well but I'm not really interested in long distance relationships. If I'm getting a boyfriend I want one that I can actually spend real time with.

I kinda wanna chuckle about the CD situation though coz I remember distinctly telling myself that I will confess to him if I still like him by the time one of us leaves the company. Well, now we're both leaving. I just don't know if I still like him and if there's still a point to it. Now its like I wanna change that to if we happen to see each other again and regularly for that matter then yes, I'll try to make a move that time. But I can only say that confidently coz I'm almost 100% sure we won't even see each other anymore... even though we live in the same neighborhood.

Some of you might be laughing at this very childish version of me. But that's just who I really am. I would never be the first to admit something like a crush. I probably would want to kick my own ass in the end but I always figured if he liked me back, he'd be able to tell how much he is driving me nuts.

About what I said before

First off, I can't believe more than a month has gone by since my previous post. I guess it makes sense as my new work place got busy over the holidays and they pretty much were giving out shifts to any takers. And there's another reason which I'll explain now.

This whole NBIL business might actually end. I don't know. I haven't decided... if its even possible to decide on it. There's this guy at work who really caught my attention since day 1 coz he had such a cute smile. I'm a sucker for dimples and those "happy smiley eyes". I really thought nothing of it but then I guess as I talked to him more and more that grew to respect to admiration and then to crush or whatever it is now.

At first, I was really giddy just having a crush again. My university days were so boring coz I couldn't even have a crush since there was no guy whom I had similar classes with. So in 1 semester, I'd see my classmates just 13 times (once a week). That's not even enough time for me to get to know them, forget about developing feelings. Anyway, I liked that I'm excited about seeing someone. I liked that it made me energetic and cheerful at work. So I took all the over time I could just to spend more time with him at work and after too. He lives in the same neighborhood so I always offered to give him a ride whenever I can.

This whole time, I always played it cool. I never liked letting others know when I like someone. So I made sure at work that there's no special treatment whatsoever. But usually when I like someone, I do end up being sorta bitchy. I think the idea of being discovered is so embarrassing that I become the opposite of what I really feel for the guy. The thing with this guy is I so am not bitchy to him at all. Like, I just can't be mean to him. Period. This is partly the reason why I'm not sure if I really do like him since I'm not reacting the way I usually do.

So the moment of truth crashes on me a day or 2 after the Christmas potluck hosted by our co-worker. There's another story behind this but the gist of it is that my gay co-worker (who knows I like the same guy) asked me to confess for him. After the party, I was driving his car since he was responsible enough to know he drank 1.5 bottle of brandy (yet sounding and looking sober as ever). That's when I told him about our gay co-worker. His response was very professional. He wasn't grossed out by the fact that a gay guy likes him... he actually kinda chuckled saying he had lots of gay friends; possibly hinting he's had more than one gay admirer. It was by far one of the nicest rejection one can hope for. Though it wasn't meant for me, I saw how the news affected my gay friend. A day or 2 after, I started freaking out about how will my confession be like when its my turn. Then the fact that I'm freaking out over a crush started getting me all nutty because I didn't realize how much I like this guy. I called my 2 best friends and needed girl talk... took a whole lot of calming down.

I've decided not to over-think too much of the what if's. Enjoy whatever time I have with him. But its so hard because I try and ignore him so I don't have to decode whatever action/gesture he just did but then he seems to communicate with me more when I do ignore him. On top of all this, I do feel guilty about my gay friend's crush not working out. So that's like another reason not to confess just yet but I do wanna get this roller coaster emotion ride over with. Since I'm sorta on a stalemate here, all I can do is rant about my overly-biased (or perhaps not) theory on if he likes me back or not.

Why I think he likes me:
1.) I'm confident that I know him best out of all our co-workers and vice versa he knows me best too.
2.) There was one time where he was in deep thought while working alone and I jokingly called his attention by saying "pssst". Ever since then our text messages for each other begins with "pssst".
3.) He calls me Miss. I haven't heard him call anyone else that. He did call someone my age "Ate" (big sister) so that's an indicator at least that he doesn't see me as a sister. Although I'm only 2 years older so its not like its a huge age gap.
4.) I think he sorta is trying to find out what stuff we have in common. Like what drink I like, chocolate, music, etc. Its kinda funny coz I think our choices of drinks are no where similar. In fact he always makes jokes about my drink choices saying stuff like "coconut juice is like very diluted milk" or "peppermint tea is like very diluted toothpaste". On the bright side, we like the same alcoholic drinks.
5.) On my birthday we spent 4 hours together over coffee and he also was there for the sushi party. If we include our work shift... that's 17 hours spent with him. My best friends said that the coffee talk was a date. I said not really coz I invited him on my birthday so he really couldn't say no. And I paid for our drinks but only coz he already bought me some chocolate. Also, that was our only time spent together with just us 2.
6.) He might've just slipped or he meant it or I'm just over-thinking it. He was doing his rounds and was saying "looks good" when checking the sections at work. When he saw me, he said "you look good". Now, I wish I got a good look at his facial reaction when he said that.

Why I think he doesn't like me:
1.) The part about us knowing each other best is mostly a product of my inviting him to group hang outs. I honestly don't feel it was something he'd wanna tell me on his own. Like, I had to initiate everything before he would tell me about himself. And I think he just can't say no to anyone at all so this getting to know each other stage feels a little one-sided.
2.) I don't feel that he treats me differently from others. I know he respects me as a co-worker and probably even saw me as a competition for the promotion he eventually got. It's also possible he can't treat me differently because that would be favoritism. And equally possible is that he's just like me when it comes to being embarrassed about being discovered so he acts it out all cool.
3.) He had a lot of chance to hang out with me one on one but never acted upon it. If you like someone, wouldn't you take whatever possibility you have to spend time with them.

Well after typing this up, I feel much better venting. Also seeing that I actually have more reasons to believe he likes me than not. Today I guess I'm extra giddy because another co-worker (one who's same level as him) outright suggested to him to date me. I wasn't sure how to react so I sorta joked that they don't know what if we're already secretly going out. He was just quiet and I didn't dare look his way. But anywho, at least the idea got planted, if ever. And apparently other co-workers agree that us 2 can actually date each other.