2nd Male Lead Syndrome

I just found out there's a name for such a thing. You know... when you're cheering for the "other guy" even though deep down you know the lead guy and lead girl belongs to each other. The "other guy" who insist on being the selfish bad guy and yet makes the ultimate sacrifice of letting the girl he loves go. I mean there's other types of "other guy"... most common being the best friend of the lead girl who was too late when it came to admitting his real feelings.

So you can see how much I appreciate Choi Young Do's character in Heirs. He's definitely the ultimate 2nd male lead. Props to Kim Woo Bin for making the character so real. You've just ruined all other dramas for me. There won't be other 2nd male leads that would make me cheer for them, as much as you did.

I started googling Kim Woo Bin because I am in much need of distractions right now. High five coz he also 25. He was a model before becoming an actor, no wonder he's so good at projecting facial expressions. But the best find of all was this blog about why Choi Young Do is the #1 catalyst of the 2nd male lead syndrome.

Before I Let You Go

Some time ago, when I was just recently dealing with the drama about GF... I decided to dedicate this song to CD. I was so convinced that I have to let him and I know it wouldn't be easy so this sorta became my comfort song.

And for a while I didn't have to listen to this song because I was finally okay being around CD and not having to feel anything. I let go, so to speak.

But now, its like 100% must let him go... as in no other choice. He's finally left the company and the stupid guy had to keep it a secret till last minute. I didn't even really have time to process how I feel and wasn't even there for his last shift. In fact, if I hadn't decided to show up last Saturday, I wouldn't have been asked to work on Sunday (when he eventually told me he is leaving).

Now I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. I am missing him soooooo badly but I know it was bound to happen so I'm trying to forget him little by little. However, a new co-worker is making it impossible. I didn't really hang out with her as much before but I just realized that she likes CD too. She actually reminds me a lot of myself when I first started liking CD. In many ways though, she's lucky coz she only liked him for a short time and it should be easier for her to let go of him. And also, there wouldn't be a drama between us like there was for GF and me... because there's no point of either of us liking CD.

To clarify about this song for CD... no we weren't in love in a special way. And I'm not even sure this is love but I admit this is the closest to love for me. There definitely was no kissing to reminisce about. But pretty much everything else about the song applies... especially about missing his smile.

Shitnizzz

It has began.

Shit.

Pardon the language.

But SHITTTT!!

I had a dream of the cuter guy whom I swear I see as a younger brother... which now I will call LB (for little brother). OMG! Knowing me, that's how I realize I have a crush on someone... if I dreamed about them.

And get this. A total of 3 dreams since my last post. Well the 3rd dream was iffy coz I referred to the guy as a big brother though I really feel it was LB.

NOOOOOOOOO!!

I can't... this guy.. no, this kid... he's too good to get caught up in my dramas.

HOW DO I UNDO THIS SHITNIZZZ BUSINESS?

Stuck in 5th gear

A little play on words here. Only those who knows CD's real name will get it.

Anyway, I should probably clarify myself a bit here. I'm not saying I'm strung over him. Its just I have to admit... its been hard finding someone to like after him. I've yet to meet a guy my age who has the same qualities that I liked from CD. The closest happens to be way much younger. He's cuter than CD but definitely a no no since I sort of view him as a little brother and I think he respects me as a big sister too.

There's no one at work that I'm particularly interested at... and thank goodness for that. Can't afford any drama there. My very limited social circle also has zero available dudes that I am interested in. So I'm left here thinking if I'm really over CD or there's just really no one yet.

You know, I probably wouldn't feel as affected about this if there weren't people constantly trying to find someone for me. They mean well but I'm not really interested in long distance relationships. If I'm getting a boyfriend I want one that I can actually spend real time with.

I kinda wanna chuckle about the CD situation though coz I remember distinctly telling myself that I will confess to him if I still like him by the time one of us leaves the company. Well, now we're both leaving. I just don't know if I still like him and if there's still a point to it. Now its like I wanna change that to if we happen to see each other again and regularly for that matter then yes, I'll try to make a move that time. But I can only say that confidently coz I'm almost 100% sure we won't even see each other anymore... even though we live in the same neighborhood.

Some of you might be laughing at this very childish version of me. But that's just who I really am. I would never be the first to admit something like a crush. I probably would want to kick my own ass in the end but I always figured if he liked me back, he'd be able to tell how much he is driving me nuts.

Leave of absence

One more month till practicum. Then glorious 2 months of being stress-free from work. Although I'm probably gonna be stressed on practicum too... and not getting paid for it for that matter. So I'm not sure if I should be happy about that. But I do know that at least I'll be learning a lot from it plus it'll help me get the career I want.

Work has been very frustrating lately. You'd think we'd get more hours since its back to school already and the holidays are next. I'm not saying I want more shifts... but I do want someone to work with me!! I hate having to serve customers by myself for 3-4 hours then cleaning up by myself too. The only hours that I see going up is towards other departments but I'm sure in terms of efficiency, our department is the most efficient. They should calculate the total sales of each department per number of staff.

I'm glad my old department supervisor is already asking for me to come back. Sadly I do have to go on leave for my practicum but its really good to know I don't have to return to my current department after practicum.

But I'm kinda having second doubts about returning to my old department. After thinking about how many times I've already stood up for GF, I've come to realize he isn't really the kind of friend I need. He is just unpredictable... one moment you're friends, the next you're not. He doesn't even tell you why, he just beats around the bush by posting something vague on facebook. I've had countless times of wondering if I had done something wrong whenever he made one of those post. I guess I just had enough because this whole time I thought of his well-being and somehow always blamed myself when I know I did nothing wrong. Plus I really don't feel any appreciation when I do something nice for him. And I've also come to the conclusion that he will never trust me as a friend because he still sees me as a competition for CD. So I just know me coming back means more drama again. SIGH!!! Well, one problem at a time I guess.

Step by step

You just can't help but feel thankful when you know that the universe is on your side. A total 180 from the previous post.

This was weeks ago but I've only manage to post it now. So, I was having one of those blue days at work. Despite receiving the best annual review, I was really down about my schedule. The supervisors kept emphasizing that the amount of shifts reflects your performance at work. So I was really confused why they say I got the highest review but basically one of the lowest amount of shift. Part of me was convincing myself that they did this coz they know I'd understand and it made it fair to those who always had fewer shifts than me. And yes, I understand the making it fair part because those who did have fewer shifts than me were not necessarily bad at their job. Its just that I was better. I also know they need the money more than I do. Plus with school starting, I really could only work one or two shifts per week so what difference does it make when they start limiting my shifts. So I kept this complaint to myself.

Well, I guess that paid off. Either they were scared of losing me or they finally realized I could move on within the company and not have to compete hours with other capable employees. I don't know why but suddenly 3 departments want to recruit me and another co-worker, who I can guess also got a really high review. I gave them my potential schedule which has more availabilities but shorter shifts. It doesn't matter for me if I get transferred or not. But wow, that feeling of suddenly being in demand and appreciated. Haven't felt that in a long time with all the negativity going on at work

And here's a little bonus. CD found the new schedule I submitted for the other departments. He took and hid them from the other supervisors. So if I don't get transferred, that's why. Insert giggly girl moment.

Another way the universe makes me feel awesome today is because today was the first day of school. Its weird being excited for it. I used to hate school and couldn't wait to graduate and just work. But this time its different because I'm studying for a career I really can't wait to have. Plus there's a real high chance of getting top marks in this class of 20 students. Having this endless possibilities is really great because it makes me look forward to many things in life. Each day that passes by reminds me of how much closer I am to reaching my goal. Not to mention, its a brand new group of people I can potentially hangout with. Hopefully there won't be any drama like with the issue of jealousy. I seriously can't think of what else about me people could be jealous of. After all, I'm so used to being the jealous one myself.

Man, I'm such in a good mood that I've gone ahead and made flashcards for my class though its not yet required. I've happily done my first homework and finished it before even getting bored of it. My lunch for tomorrow is also packed and I've even picked my outfit. Just hoping the weather coordinates and that I get a normal sleep cycle soon.

Thank you universe. But most of all, thank you God for always looking out for me.

Sucks being the middle man

So drama is still going on at work. It's perhaps doubled coz another set of friends are sorta drifting apart but at least this set is more mature and handle things the right way. So I know I should just butt out of this one coz I'll just be propagating the argument if I become nosey.

Anyway, CF and GF are my main concern. They still aren't talking. It's come to a point that CF doesn't wanna tolerate this bullshit anymore and is planning to give me her resignation letter to pass onto our supervisor CD. I seriously think that's one crappy way to deal with things but I do understand that sometimes it is better to just leave and give space to each other. It's really unfair though.. why does someone have to quit.. why can't our supervisors be our friends. I can just imagine HR saying "I told you so".

I guess its really a bad combination. Jealous, immature, insecure and nosey folks... all being eaten out by stress from both work and personal lives. With my own work problem, at first I thought maybe I was being mean by accepting too many leadership positions. But I've come to realize that getting what I am recognized for isn't something I should feel bad about. If my supervisors think I am more capable of handling such tasks than my co-workers then they should just be quiet or try and improve themselves instead of being envious and making me look bad. I've decided that I'll take all the shifts they think I deserve. If a promotion comes at the right time, I'll take that too. I'm no longer gonna be sorry for being better.

You know, I'm so fired up to fix friendships and prove certain co-workers to just shut up and maybe work harder before complaining about my hours that I really haven't been thinking of CD at all. I think that's a major sign that I've really gotten over him. I'm kinda surprised myself since I didn't think it'd disappear just like that. The only time his name came up was when I felt bad that he couldn't even be friends with us anymore as that would make it appear like he's choosing sides. All because of a misunderstanding between friends that got blown out of proportions coz some nosey folks keeps bringing it up and now are making all party involved feel awkward with each other. Its a good thing that I don't feel that way about him anymore, in case the nosey folks start bringing up my name too, at least I'd be confident when talking to CD that this was all in the past. Plus its one less problem for the poor guy. He maybe a great worker and leader but conflict-resolution is definitely not his thing.

Just when you're done dealing with one problem another one comes along

All those times of going back and forth... liking him and then unliking him. Sure can drive a girl nuts. And perhaps even appear bitchy in the end. But I'd like to believe I'm really gonna make it out of this with no damage done to anyone.

Maybe it's timing with GF pointing out the whole CD and CF possibly liking each other thing. Though I talked it out with CF and its a definite no on her side. On the other hand, I do notice CD being friendlier to CF. I think he really does like her but not enough for him to jeopardize his work. Anyway, it's this kinda stuff that I needed to make me move on. I've told my best friends that I really am starting to like him less and less but I knew there was still a chance for things to rekindle. The lack of interaction was definitely the primary cause. And it sucks that its coz people are misinterpreting my friendship with him (and the other supervisors) as favoritism so its like that chance was taken away from me. But now, I really am relieved. It's finally over! Actually, I'm also kinda curious if the 2 will end up together... almost cheering them on really. He still is definitely a great guy that any girl would die to have and she is an amazing friend.

So at least that problem is done and over with. CD is officially just a dude I work with (should really rename him JD though I'm not sure why I would still talk about him over here). Now my other problem is one that happened a long time ago but I sorta just brushed it off. It kinda resurfaced after some major realization. It's this whole issue of favoritism. I so badly regret making that joke but I really do not understand how that can make people who you thought were friends turn on you. My original group of friends at work are now the ones GF hang out with. I noticed that they seemed to stop inviting me to their outtings but GF always somehow made it. I figure its because during that time he was still jealous of me and how close I was to CD so I let him have his space and vent to "our friends". But after talking to CF, she pointed out that in reality that group was also insecure of me because of the amount of hours/attention I'm getting from the supervisors. Hence GF (though probably not intentionally) and them saw me as a common threat.

It's only now that they're being friendly to me again because now they see CF as a threat for GF's sake. Although I think I still get the stink eye from a few people because I'm still friends with CF. I honestly don't care about that group anymore. Although I'm really worried for GF and CF because those 2 had such a strong friendship. There's a misunderstanding right now for sure but GF being in that group is making the misunderstanding blow out of proportions. What's more, they're making CF look like the bad guy. I'm glad I told GF that even though him and CF don't get along anymore, I'm still both their friends and will go be with both persons when needed. Its just that right now, its hard to be with GF because he's got that huge group backing him up (without even really knowing both sides of the story) whilst CF only has me. Well, there are others from the new group I hang out with (which really was GF's old group) but they are neutral just like me only they prefer to butt out.

Anywho, now I'm just really disappointed at myself and these people. The reason why I stayed in this job was to make friends more than to make money. I don't need to deal with this sorta bullshit but I don't wanna leave behind some of the real friends I've made. What really sucks is that I'm not even trying! Not trying to be the best or work hard. I just naturally am that way. I do what I'm told. I also naturally do just wanna hang out with people and it so happen that the people willing to hang out after work are the supervisors. So why the eff was I singled out to look like I'm trying to buy out my boss' affections. The reason why I'm disappointed at myself is because I still care about how these insecure people think of me. I've been trying not to stand out (according to them anyway) by turning down my supervisor's requests. I even moved out of the section where I was put in charge most of the times so that they will see I'm willing to do the same exact work as them and not just captain all the time. But even that got translated as me seeking more territory. I finally found a new section where it only requires 2 people to work. At least then no one gets jealous of that or sees that I'm captaining since its a smaller group. The most disappointing thing I don't like about this side of me is that I can't even bring it up to my supervisors. I really like all of them and do not want them to get caught in this bullshit. But how do I exactly bring this up... ohh so you know how you say I'm a really good employee, well I need to be a shitty employee now coz my fellow co-workers are complaining about the hours and attention you've been giving me. What's more is that CD is my direct supervisor. I would be talking to him about this and the last thing I need is for him to feel sorry for me.

UGHH! I wish it was March of next year already. By then I can be a certified Pharmacy Technician and hopefully be dealing with much more mature co-workers.

NBIL - Never Been in Love

So here's a topic I rarely share.. just coz people tend to think it can't possibly be true. But yes, I have never been in love. Call it lame, fear of rejection, or commitment issues... whatever you want, its still true. I've never had a boyfriend, gone on a "real" date or been kissed. I'm a bit old school and would like to have been dated first before getting kissed (or going in a relationship for that matter). Then you realize I'm 24 years old, so you probably think its pathetic.

I've had my fair share of crushes, though those don't count as the real deal. I do get the same giddyness whenever I see the guy I'm crushing on. I like how I can be restless just thinking about seeing him the next day. But even I know its not love. Because the part where I want him to love me back, its not in that equation. I haven't met a guy who I wished loved me back. Just guys who I know are darn right amazing and would make some other girl really lucky.

I've tried figuring out why I am the way I am. Heck, even my best friend couldn't answer why when her boyfriend asked why I was single (btw, I so take it as a compliment when a guy wonders why I'm single). Here's what I keep telling myself, especially during my school days:

I do not need the drama during my most stressful period of my life where I am discovering what I want in life but somehow balancing that with what I need to do in life such as school, work, family and other commitments.

But now that school is over, I can actually afford the drama. The down side of having avoided it till now is that I have no clue how to deal with it. Not that those who have started dating since elementary have conquered the dating field. However, it'd still be great to have gotten over some drama jitters and know how to cruise my way around this and perhaps avoid some bullshit on my windshield.

I refuse to feel bad about me though. I do think everything happens for a reason and according to some cosmic timing as well. So some people fall in love early, some late. All that matters is that I know I'm not immune to love.

Here's to all who's in love, has loved and will be in love. May happiness be all around us!