Them Signs Be Back

I've already accepted that I tend to interpret a lot of things that happen to me as signs. Just read my old posts here. But sometimes you really can't just help but wonder why fate is toying with you. Its like when you're finally able to stop thinking of someone every dang second, they suddenly show up again.

So on Sunday my mom wanted to have sushi for dinner. We went to pick it up at our usual restaurant. I stayed in the car while my mom grabbed the food. And in that 10 minute window, CD just happens to drive into the parking lot. I'm not sure if he realized I was there but I decided to just stay in my car and let it be. I tried ignoring it and definitely wasn't gonna make any interpretations like I used to.

Then on the same day I saw this post about people getting married at the place where they first met... and that featured couple on the article happen to meet at the same company where CD and I met. I also just had to watch this sad TV show where this guy and girl had been very good friends since they were kids. They both couldn't open up about how they felt for each other. Eventually time has passed and each found their own spouse. All those years they still haven't lost their love for each other. Even though they remained faithful with their own respective spouses until the death of said spouses. 55 years later they reconnected and finally got things right.

Now, I can't help but wonder again. What if its not over? What if there's more?

For the Lonely and Broken Hearted

During last week's pot bless event at my church's college group. A few of us girls and boys decided to talk about past love. Whether it was our first crush, last one or the one the just hurts us the most. I was really surprised at how LB opened up. Then the next thing you know, one by one, people just started talking about their "almost". Its kinda funny coz I would never expect some of them to go through what they had gone through. They are absolutely gorgeous, handsome, and fantastic people all around to be with.

Of course, I told them about CD. And how I was truly afraid to lose both CD and GF as a friend. But to be honest, I'm kinda glad I don't have to worry about them both anymore. At the same time though, I don't think I really wanna be around them any time soon. I feel like when I do see them again, I hope I'll have become a better person. You know, make them see what they've missed out on. Though I can't imagine having that sort of goal for the rest of my life. Proving yourself to others seem pretty pointless when those others don't care about you the way you do them.

So instead I'll share that caring feeling to the others who are lonely, broken and perhaps even neglected. Here's a poem I made for those either wishing to go back to those beautiful times or those wanting to jump ahead towards that better future.

I Miss The Way You’ll Love Me

Remember that time we’ll meet?

The way you’ll look standing across that street

Never again will my heart beat so fast

As when your eyes upon my face, it casts

Oh how the blood will rush to my cheek

Causing me to look away and still take a peek

How I miss when we’ll play pretend

Maybe even give mixed signals to send

When finally you’ll walk my way

And I’ll look up just in time to say

I miss the way you’ll love me

This much can you foresee?

Match Made in Heaven

You know when you can just tell some people are meant to be? Well, I'm grateful to know many people have found their "the one". In fact, the most recent of that list is my first crush. I didn't mean to Facebook stalk but it appeared on my timeline and of course I went ahead and browsed a few pictures.

I had a crush on him when I was in Grade 3 but I knew him since nursery school. He was your typical popular guy who's a combination of smart, athletic and good-looking. He was everyone's friend and every girl's dream guy. You could see him as the doing-things-in-an-orderly-fashion kinda guy... graduating from a well-known university, getting a high paying job, marrying a nice girl and then having kids. So I was really shocked to find out that he and his girlfriend had a kid before graduating and getting married.

It shattered my image of my first crush, I guess. But nonetheless, I was very impressed at how in love the 2 were. They raised their kid together and continued to finish school and got stable jobs. At least that's what it looked like on the pictures.

And now, they finally were able to have a proper wedding. It was a beautiful beach wedding. Perfect size, perfect decor, perfect location... nothing over the top. It was just right, just like how perfect the 2 are for each other. I've never met the girl in real life but I think if I had, I would've loved to be friends with her. She seems down to earth and practical. I respect the fact that she chose to have a simple look and simple wedding dress. I can only imagine because she knows that its better to save that money for their child... and perhaps their 2nd one if they ever plan for another.

I'd like to think that these 2 paid for their own wedding. Why you ask? Because they could've gotten married any time since their child was born and yet they waited until now. And if they did pay for their own wedding... I'd also like to think that they prepared it in a way to thank their family and friends. Because I think a huge chunk of it went to make the guests feel loved rather than going over the top with beautifying an already beautiful bride.

In many ways, I am envious of their relationship. Not because my first crush is involved but rather because these 2 beat the odds in life. Out of the 7 billion people in the world, they found each other. After having to be responsible parents despite being young themselves, they still continue to love each other. And I'm sure there's much more they've gone through that will test their commitment to each other. I mean this is the kind of stuff people are striving for, you know.

So in other words... congratulations M and D. May your love for each other live forever.

Do You Believe in Sagittarius

I really don't believe in horoscopes. But I do read em for fun. Once in a while you get totally absurd predictions but then you also get those bang-on ones. Today's horoscope from the local newspaper though was something I kinda wish would come true. This is how I'd interpret the following.

New possibilities:

- A new job which I did apply for just 2 days ago

- My Mr. Right is right around the corner. Hahaha!! I wish

Idealistic commitment:

- I guess a job is a commitment

- Being with Mr. Right is a type of commitment too

New income source:

- Ohh look, its talking a bit more about that job I just applied for

- Maybe Mr. Right is a sugar daddy

What I seek:

- Ummmm... another job?

- Ummmm... Mr. Right?

Imagination fires your speech:

- B.S. my way through the interview for the job?

- I could B.S. my way into a relationship but I ain't a fool

Old barrier:

- Finally... something not related to work.

- Although it does apply to the dramas of the past regarding CD

Next level:

- Promotion? Ha! Not until I get my license and SPT done.

- With CD? Hhhmmm... if its meant to be then sure.

Now see how every word is related to job/money and love/relationships? No wonder its so easy to believe that these horoscopes are talking about each of us. I mean who doesn't go through troubles with work and relationships? What I really can't wrap my mind around is the fact that its like saying there's only 12 kinds of fate for the 7 billion people of the world each day. And that if you happen to be born on certain days, your fate is according to 1 of these 12.

That's just how I think though. But like I said, despite my logic, I still like to read these things for fun.

3-1-4

So remember that post I made about dreams? In particular about the numbers 3-1-4 which I had woken up to by yelling it out. I thought there must be a meaning and had anticipated the whole March of 2014 or March 14th itself to be a special day. Well, nothing particular happened that day... nor that month of that year I guess except for the fact that its pi day.

Well, today's the best pi day as of yet. A last minute breakfast date with my co-workers which I haven't done for a long time... and the last time I did, it wasn't all that fun because it felt like people were obligated to be there rather than just wanting to be there. Now its like with new people and of the oddest combination too. I wouldn't have expected this group to just mesh together and have that much of a good laugh. Plus bonus, someone invited CD and without my prompting too!

So I gave the new co-worker who I think also likes CD a ride to IHOP. Ermm... she's gonna need a code name; let's say MM for mini me coz like I said before she kinda does remind me of me. As we were parking at IHOP, she kept staring at this white car (sounds familiar right?). I noticed the car too but I told myself not to look because there's no way that's CD. I knew there was a person in the car but I didn't want to make eye contact because I am trying to get over him, so me checking if the driver was CD is like admitting failure to such attempt. As we got into the IHOP, MM said "I knew it was you".

Damn. Totally wasn't expecting him. I smiled and stupidly the first words that came outta my mouth "The hell? You're here?". So now as I am typing this, I realized I may have made it sound like I didn't want him there.

Well, anyway, it turned out all for the best. We had a great laugh about everything. Even talked about farts. Didn't realize 2 hours had gone by just like that. We finally had to go home and as we all lined up at the cash register, I couldn't help but notice that CD was standing really close to me. It made me wish that he missed me somehow and that this was his way of showing it.

Then of course all these "over-thinking" happened again but the most intriguing one was: Why was he waiting in his car when there were people from our group already in IHOP? Was he waiting for me?

So that's my pi day story. Who knows how next year will turn out?

Trips Down Memory Lane

Coz I swear, every time I remember him... I might as well really be tripping.

So how do you do it? How do you forget someone when every small little thing reminds you of him?

Before... it was just his car. If a white car zooms a long, it wouldn't take long for me to turn my head and check if it was him or not. I'd see what the make of the car was, if the plate matches. I think this started when we both were heading to work and ended up on the same intersection. I just made it to the orange light to do my left turn and his red light just went green so his car was now behind me. Then he changes lane and passes and takes over my car. When we arrived at the parking lot, we both got out of our own cars and he smiled at me saying he knew that it was me.

The most recent "trip down to memory lane" for me is when I drive to my other job... yes, it's a literal trip on a friggin lane. There's this particular street that I like to take because it barely had stop lights and it wasn't residential plus it had its curves so its pretty fun driving there. When I drove CD and our co-worker home during our last hang out, we ended up using that street by chance. CD mentioned he liked that street too for the exact same reason. So now, whenever I take that road, I end up thinking of him.

Ohhh mannn. Even McDonalds have a meaning now coz of our lunch breaks. Double cheeseburger for the win. Although he said I should try the CBO with strips of bacon and not the bits. Espresso also reminds me of him a lot. One of the first few things that I found out we had in common was our love for coffee. Gosshhh!! I can remember when we were still getting to know each other as co-workers. That time, I was convinced he might like me because he would be curious about the things I like or stuff we had in common.

Anyway point is.. its getting pretty ridiculous how much I miss him. Although knowing myself, the moment I see him again, I'd act all cool as if nothing is going on. I know I'm driving KC and DP nuts whenever CD gets involved. So I'm trying not to vent to them as much about this. Therefore, I am ranting here instead. It might take a bunch more posts before I completely stop mentioning CD here.

So here's an ultimatum for myself. If I do get a chance to hang out with him again one to one and not coz he's driving me home or vice versa... then I will tell him about how nuts he makes/made me feel. That way he can clearly voice out his opinion and I can do the same without others making this whole crush situation more difficult than it is.

[UPDATE: March 10, 2015]

Eff. Even going to the mailbox reminds me of him. Ughhh... why'd I have to show him this particular part of the sidewalk where I always trip whenever I go and grab our mail.

On the bright side, I saw him again on Sunday and I managed to act chill. Caught myself glancing at him once in awhile but that's about it. Success for not letting my imagination get in the way.

Before I Let You Go

Some time ago, when I was just recently dealing with the drama about GF... I decided to dedicate this song to CD. I was so convinced that I have to let him and I know it wouldn't be easy so this sorta became my comfort song.

And for a while I didn't have to listen to this song because I was finally okay being around CD and not having to feel anything. I let go, so to speak.

But now, its like 100% must let him go... as in no other choice. He's finally left the company and the stupid guy had to keep it a secret till last minute. I didn't even really have time to process how I feel and wasn't even there for his last shift. In fact, if I hadn't decided to show up last Saturday, I wouldn't have been asked to work on Sunday (when he eventually told me he is leaving).

Now I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. I am missing him soooooo badly but I know it was bound to happen so I'm trying to forget him little by little. However, a new co-worker is making it impossible. I didn't really hang out with her as much before but I just realized that she likes CD too. She actually reminds me a lot of myself when I first started liking CD. In many ways though, she's lucky coz she only liked him for a short time and it should be easier for her to let go of him. And also, there wouldn't be a drama between us like there was for GF and me... because there's no point of either of us liking CD.

To clarify about this song for CD... no we weren't in love in a special way. And I'm not even sure this is love but I admit this is the closest to love for me. There definitely was no kissing to reminisce about. But pretty much everything else about the song applies... especially about missing his smile.

Happy Almost Valentines

Aside from working 2 shifts back to back, I had a pretty dang awesome Valentines. And yes, its coz CD was there.

They were handing out Valentines cards to all team members at work and he so happens to hold mine. He said my name, smiled and gave me the card. Of course I know the card isn't really from him and it wasn't unique (in a sense that everybody else got one too) but it still made me happy. I joked right away that if this was a red envelope for Chinese New Years, the money part is missing. And that just made him smile all the more which made me smile in turn.

The next day, some of us decided to meet up for a mini-get together. I think I'm most glad that its like we were hanging out the way things were before the drama. We could joke around again. We talked about where everyone is heading after leaving the company. He still wouldn't tell anyone where he'll be working but he kept saying he is leaving soon. That pretty much made me really sad. I would definitely love to have one last grand hang out with him. But luckily the group herder (the older brother / almost uncle of the group) loves to organize get-togethers and everyone pretty much agreed to meeting up at least once a month to catch up with each other's lives.

As we're all heading home, him and another co-worker got a ride from me. I parked 4-5 blocks away from the cafe we were at and it got cold that night. As we were walking he noticed that I was shivering and offered his jacket. Of course I turned it down coz I know he was just wearing short sleeves underneath whereas I had one layer of long sleeves at least. We walked a bit more and he said (not asked but said) "if we're still far away from your car, I'm giving you my jacket".

KABOOM! Yes, my brain just exploded. This is like the scene most girls think of when there's a budding romance story involved. Of course, it wasn't as romantic coz someone else was with us and my car was already there. But nonetheless I enjoyed the car ride with him. As usual though he didn't wanna get dropped off at his home. He said he wanted to walk anyway so we drove to my house instead. Guess it sorta worked out coz when I parked my car in the garage, he stayed back a bit to try and help me fix my bluetooth/FM transmitter, which now I know is hopelessly broken.

Now, I'm pretty curious why he doesn't like getting dropped off at his house. Coz it definitely wouldn't be out of the way. Or is that his way of making sure I got home safely. Well whatever the case, I'm glad how today and yesterday turned out.

Ooohhhh, I also found out that we both want to watch exactly the same 2 movies that are showing right now. That probably was my cue to ask him but I couldn't coz GF was there and I don't wanna cause any potential dramas.

PS: I lost 4 pounds after finally letting myself like CD again, coincidence? Me thinks not. Ha! Another plus to having a crush is the motivation to feel/look good. Only 17 lbs left to lose from what I gained from school.

Monica Oh Monica

Ok so I may have come up with a slightly odd solution to undo this LB situation. That is to let myself like CD again. Errr.... I guess to be honest those 2 ideas kinda just lined up since I may actually just be liking CD again. I know, its nuts!! He does drive me nuts. The little things he do sure leaves big impressions on me.

Remember that list I made of trying to figure out if he could like me or not. Well that's like starting over again. Its just are they signals or my imagination? I'll name a few that has happened since I re-joined the department.

1.) He's been teasing me a lot and kept saying my name as if I was getting in trouble but that's just his way of telling me what tasks to do. And damn, as soon as I walk away after receiving instructions from him, I can't help but smile. (Hence the title of this post)
2.) When I'm trying my best not to look at him because #1 I don't want it to be obvious that I'm aware of his presence and #2 so that I look like I'm 100% focused on my job; that's like when he randomly helps me out with whatever I'm working on. Its like he knows that's when I'm the most vulnerable to his effects.
3.) The small conversation he initiates. Yes, him. This goes in part with #2 where I'm trying my best to sorta ignore him (i.e. play it cool). Then outta nowhere he'd work beside me and make small talks. FYI, he's a pretty private kinda person so small talks are kinda rare with him.

There's more obviously but I'm leaving this at that. I'm really just enjoying things being back to the way they were before the drama. Maybe coz the lead causes of the drama ain't there. But at this point, I don't see myself having a full on 100% crush on CD again. Like I said before, when we leave the company, I really feel like we'll never see each other anyway. So it would take a whole lot of universe ploy for us to ever come meet again after work.

Shitnizzz

It has began.

Shit.

Pardon the language.

But SHITTTT!!

I had a dream of the cuter guy whom I swear I see as a younger brother... which now I will call LB (for little brother). OMG! Knowing me, that's how I realize I have a crush on someone... if I dreamed about them.

And get this. A total of 3 dreams since my last post. Well the 3rd dream was iffy coz I referred to the guy as a big brother though I really feel it was LB.

NOOOOOOOOO!!

I can't... this guy.. no, this kid... he's too good to get caught up in my dramas.

HOW DO I UNDO THIS SHITNIZZZ BUSINESS?

Stuck in 5th gear

A little play on words here. Only those who knows CD's real name will get it.

Anyway, I should probably clarify myself a bit here. I'm not saying I'm strung over him. Its just I have to admit... its been hard finding someone to like after him. I've yet to meet a guy my age who has the same qualities that I liked from CD. The closest happens to be way much younger. He's cuter than CD but definitely a no no since I sort of view him as a little brother and I think he respects me as a big sister too.

There's no one at work that I'm particularly interested at... and thank goodness for that. Can't afford any drama there. My very limited social circle also has zero available dudes that I am interested in. So I'm left here thinking if I'm really over CD or there's just really no one yet.

You know, I probably wouldn't feel as affected about this if there weren't people constantly trying to find someone for me. They mean well but I'm not really interested in long distance relationships. If I'm getting a boyfriend I want one that I can actually spend real time with.

I kinda wanna chuckle about the CD situation though coz I remember distinctly telling myself that I will confess to him if I still like him by the time one of us leaves the company. Well, now we're both leaving. I just don't know if I still like him and if there's still a point to it. Now its like I wanna change that to if we happen to see each other again and regularly for that matter then yes, I'll try to make a move that time. But I can only say that confidently coz I'm almost 100% sure we won't even see each other anymore... even though we live in the same neighborhood.

Some of you might be laughing at this very childish version of me. But that's just who I really am. I would never be the first to admit something like a crush. I probably would want to kick my own ass in the end but I always figured if he liked me back, he'd be able to tell how much he is driving me nuts.

Its not like that anymore

Aside from officially starting my career, December has been an awesome month. I am also back with my overnight team. This time a little smarter and avoiding drama when I can. That being said, I am no longer infatuated with CD but I do get curious once in  a while. I often think what if so and so happened this way, how would things be. Its kinda weird because I feel like I won't be able to move on without figuring out the answer, whether I like the outcome or not. But its probably more because I really don't wanna feel confused like that again and not so much because of CD himself.

A lot of people are curious as to when I'll be introducing someone to them. I know they mean well but its not like its my choice for how things are the way they are. So instead of going nuts over this, I'll just deal with what I know I can... which at the moment is making myself financially independent. I figure by the time he comes along, there's one less problem for us to fight about.

So here's to a brand new year. 2015 was the year I always felt many changes are bound to happen (see 5 year plan of 2013). Though I guess career hunting came sooner than expected. Anyway, here's the new 5 year plan of 2015.

2015: move out; licensing exams
2016: hermit mode
2017: travel
2018: engagement?
2019: marriage? (yeah kinda aiming high here lol)

I'm my own therapist

Probably not recommended to anyone.. ever. But I kind like how this played out for me.

So I've been having some real good days lately but amid all that, I've also been having some saddening thoughts. Some of these thoughts I'm not even really sure what they are exactly or why I'm having them in the first place. I guess they're thoughts that come from problems that have stemmed from older problems and so on.

Well, last night I had a dream. I don't remember the whole contents of it but I remember feeling really great afterwards. In the dream, I was sorta hiding in a closet and crying. I was very frustrated but I'm not sure why. Then suddenly CD appears and sat down beside me. He was patting my back as I cried. I just kept crying and I swear at this point its because of how I'm still not sure of how I feel for him. Then he asked me what's wrong. But suddenly I started blurting out things that totally wasn't about him. Like how I don't feel accomplished despite the all the things I've done. It went on and on and I basically am just saying to him that I feel that I'm not good enough for anything. He listened to all my venting and then wiped my tears with his bare hands and said that I am more than good enough. At that point, I think my heart started pounding too much that I actually woke up. I actually did have a bit of tears in my eyes too. But I got that sensation of immense relief, like I really did just pour out all of my soul and let go of everything.

I don't know in real life if I could ever tell him all that or to anyone else for that matter. I didn't even think I had those kinds of thoughts. Denial on my side perhaps? But I do know what he said in the dream is scripted as how I wanted to hear it. However, I can't deny how real it felt. Talking it out, having someone wipe your tears and then telling you that you are more than good enough.

I'm such a hopeless romantic.

Friendzoning is an ethical dilemma

So this sorta came outta nowhere. Although I guess there were signs and I was just brushing them off coz I really thought I was just overthinking again. I think a co-worker of mine is trying to ask me out. For tradition's sake, we'll give him a codename and it shall be for YC which means younger co-worker.

How much younger you ask? 5 years.

I know its not that big of a gap and people are gonna preach that age is just a number. So let me defend myself by saying that he is far too mature for his age and he doesn't look or act that young. He takes care of his dad, he pays for everything and works for everything, he knows what's it like to be homeless... basically he's gone through a lot and has made it through a lot. In short, I've got a lot of respect for this guy.

But that's it. That's all I got. I don't think I'm attracted to him but at the same time I don't think I'd turn him down if he asked either. He's got lots of good qualities for sure. So my dilemma is if I did go out with him, am I just wasting his time if I don't find myself attracted to him. KC brings up a good point that that's what dates are for... to find out if you really like each other. There's no commitments for a second date or being in relationship. But its not the commitment part that throws me off, its the idea that I'm gonna ruin a perfectly good friendship between co-workers if it didn't work out between us.

Before I get carried away, you maybe asking why I think he likes me. So here are possible signs that never really meant anything until I put the pieces together.

1.) We were talking about movies and he brought up watching Spiderman together. That's like the first sign I could really think of but during that time I thought he just wanted to hangout as a group with the rest of the co-workers so I said if it works with everyone else's schedule why not. He didn't really bother trying to set the movie outing then.

2.) Before going to Hawaii, he asked if I wanted any souvenir. I just casually brought up that I collect seashells. He said he'd bring some for me. And he did but when he came back I was already in the new department and our schedules don't match so he still hasn't been able to give it to me.

3.) One time I got off work and he was about to start, he reminded me again of the seashells. Then he just asked for my phone number. This was probably the real opener for me. Coz he could've just messaged me on Facebook.

4.) Very next day he messages me how my day was and what I was up to. I've never had a guy initiate a conversation that soon. Not saying that everyone should follow that 3 day waiting period policy coz that's bull. But I had to admit, it made me happy having a conversation with someone new.

There's probably other signs before too but I just missed it I guess. So now, I'm not sure what to do. I've decided to just communicate with him like I do with my other friends. I don't want him to misinterpret what I do... the same way I misinterpret what CD did. Speaking of, I find it funny how this whole situation is making me realize that CD maybe really doesn't like me that way. It's like how I feel for YC is how CD probably feels for me. A good friend you don't want to lose but you're also not attracted to.

Quit testing me, universe!

Every time... ugh.. I swear. You know that time when you're about to give up on your crush but some how they do something and just pull you back in? Well, that's happening right now. Except, I have actually given up on him and I'm not really pulled back in (not all the way anyway) but rather annoyed that its happening now instead of back then.

There was a time when I had my emotional boohoos over CD because it totally caught me off guard and I just panicked about it. I started hyperventilating to DP and KC. Bless their souls for trying to calm me down. Anyway, I told them that everything that has happened between me and CD only happened because I initiated it. I'm the one who invites him to all these hang outs and that just once, I wish it was him who invited me. Well, it finally happened yesterday.

He invited me to a barbecue that the supervisors are planning tomorrow. First of all, let me congratulate myself for not having a screaming-school-girl moment. In fact, my initial reaction was more like an uh-oh. As much as I do want to go and hang out with these awesome people, I am now (and probably forever as long as I'm in that company) afraid of how certain co-workers will interpret this and any future friendship with any supervisor. They will once again blame the supervisors of favoritism and they'll think I'm trying to buy my way up the ranks. So because of that, I wasn't really able to say yes or no. I actually can't remember how the conversation ended too. He did catch me by surprise by asking me. At first I just overheard him talking to the other supervisor about it in the office. Then I left the office to head upstairs and he caught up with me on the escalator. He casually asked if I was going, to which I responded where. I just remember saying I never was invited. Then that's it. Don't recall saying yes, no, maybe, let's talk about it later or anything like that.

So I'll admit a part of me is kinda waiting to be re-invited again. But I'm almost 100% sure it won't happen because he doesn't appear to be that kind of guy and also tomorrow's gonna be a crappy day for a barbecue. The funny thing is I would've probably said no if he did ask me again, unless he manages to convinces me otherwise.

Aside from the invite. He's also been sitting beside me in the lunch room. Though I think that was really just because the other supervisor sat with us too. But at least during these times, I'm not interpreting it anymore like I used to. I'm just really really annoyed that these things are happening now when I wanted it so badly back then.

My brain won't shut up

I think its too excited about the endless possibilities of tomorrow. Even though I'm lacking sleep and actually do have time to sleep, I can't because my brain is just on fire. Its been re-writing over and over again how my life potentially could be for this year and next. Like how school is starting in a month and a half and that I'll only have to study for 7 months, do some training, write a couple of exams and finally land a career I actually do care about. Then next year my potentially new home will be ready. Everything brand-spanking new plus I get to live on my own again.

Just the idea of all these new beginnings is enough to make me happy!

Of course the best new beginning would be finding a new crush. Its kinda sad to say this but I do miss CD only coz I miss the hype of having a crush. When I see him there's no more internal-elementary-school-girl-screaming. Instead I'm seeing more and more why I don't like him as much. Like the things that I wouldn't have minded back then now seem major valid reasons why I shouldn't like him. DP said I'm probably in denial and this is my self-defence mechanism kicking in. But if that's true then I should feel more bothered when he's around me. If any, being with him actually makes me miss and at the same time pity the old me. In some way I really am relieved of having to over-think everything he does but I also miss that part of me that's always hopeful.

The sucker part is that now I can be with him without automatically translating everything he says/does, it seems like we're actually really communicating again. And knowing me, it'll only take so little before I start feeling something for him again.

[March 19, 2014 UPDATE]
Gah! It's starting. The over-thinking. Last night's shift had more communication with CD than usual since there was only 5 of us working. As we were getting ready to go home, he asked if I am working tonight to which I replied no then he casually adds that he also has the night off. I already knew he wanted the night off so he can work on Saturday instead to be there for the other supervisor's last day. But then I started thinking why is he telling me he got tonight off when he knows that I already know he got it off. Anyway, the good part is that I'm only at the "what was that about" stage. I haven't actually began creating scenarios in my head trying to break down what really probably is a simple conversation.

Tearfest

I don't know if its just me or if I'm just being too girly sometimes but I do have a tendency to just want to cry for no apparent reason. I don't mean like a baby throwing tantrums. I'd like to think its more of a therapeutic process. I think it happens once I've dealt with too much emotion and I'm done processing it so now it's like I need a major stress release. Although I do remember reading somewhere that tears make our body produce more endorphins thus having that "happier" after-effect.

Depending on my mood I can watch dramas endlessly until I've cried all I can. Sometimes I sing till my throat hurts. Other times I just cuddle a pillow under my duvet and listen to really sad songs until I fall asleep. Lately though, all this blogging is becoming a great emotional outlet. I've also started writing on journals again (by journals I mean word document) and I almost immediately always write something as soon as my emotions get extreme. I think it helps me process my feelings and makes my tendency to over-think look stupid. It's actually pretty funny reading most of them again.

One of the most recent emotional rollercoaster ride is when GF pointed out something that irked him about the party a couple of Sundays ago. During that party CD got a little drunk; probably coz he didn't get enough sleep so it hit him a little faster than usual. There was of course photo sessions during the party and one of which our female common friend (hence forth called CF) asked to have a picture with CD. CD doesn't really like photo sessions that much but this time he agreed then jokingly leaned his head on CF's shoulders. After one shot, I think he realized what he's done so he covered his face and started moving around a lot so it was harder to take a picture. According to GF that's when he noticed that CF and CD may like each other and more so on the guy side. Of course GF is really torn because he is really close with CF.

When this was pointed out I wasn't really bothered but it definitely affected me. I began being more suspicious of both CF and CD. I know CF likes to be extra friendly with CD to tease GF and perhaps even test me on how I will react. For instance, I was actually really surprised that CD agreed to go watch a movie with me and CF. I just worked a shift, had a breakfast party and shopping with him and other co-workers so I was pretty sure he'd say no out of exhaustion. But there was no "maybe" it was a straight up "sure". I was gonna use the opportunity to observe how the 2 acts during the movie; even if it meant I might be a third wheel. However, CF cancelled because she wasn't able to fall asleep. I asked if she already told CD and she replied she did and that also he just slept a few hours ago. That's when I started having my emotional panic. How the hell does she know what time he slept... have they been texting the whole time. All these scenario started popping in my head.

I haven't seen CF since then but I know things between us are still the same. I definitely don't blame her if she does fall for him and him for her. She's a great friend like I mentioned before. However with CD, I worked one shift with him since the failed movie plan and I really felt like he's been avoiding me for some reason. He hasn't been smiling as much either. The latter half of the shift, I also started avoiding him.. not even making eye contact. Sounds childish I know but also I felt like he totally just forgot about me when he didn't call me for break. Basically, I know he's not angry at me but I just don't make a bleep in his radar either. According to another team leader he had an inkling that I didn't hear the break announcement but I guess that wasn't enough for him to confirm if I really did. Ohhh and guess what? I've been re-aligned to be under his team. He is now my direct supervisor. What great timing huh?

I'll really need to cry all these out pretty soon or I might just snap at the wrong person here.

What to do, what to do

The more I tell myself I don't like him, the more I find myself trying to stare at him. Its seriously confusing.

I know I really miss hanging out with him after work but its pretty much impossible now coz of 1) his higher position and 2) jealous co-worker making more complaints. So I'm trying not to miss him by acting strictly as co-workers. But I think its backfiring. Less interaction with him makes me anticipate him more. I also end up talking about him more to others. It's a lot like someone going on a diet; the more they avoid the food they're trying to give up, the more they crave it.

I think my hopes went up again with the possibility of a promotion. Not only would we be the same level (and dating would be allowed), we'd have more reason to hang out now. At least it'd be fair game for me to decide if I still like him then. Anyway, my best friend who is a supervisor in a different department told me that several other supervisors like me and my own direct ones have recommended me. Although there is no current spot that's open, I can see it opening up some time in May/August for the back-to-school madness. However, it's possible that I'd also start school then. I'm not quite sure if I can handle full time school and work. Especially since this program is intensive with 1.5 years worth of schooling crammed in 30 weeks. But at the same time, 10 of those 30 weeks are meant for practicum so no test/homework... meaning just 20 weeks of no real sleep.

It would be awesome to be promoted but I've long gone gave up on it because I seriously thought I was just gonna quit once school starts. But after all this, I feel like I still want to get to know CD. So if I am staying and really want to get to know him some more, promotion is the only way to go. This would really get rid of those problems I mentioned above since 1) we'd be same positions and 2) be jealous if they want, I'm their supervisor now and my hours are fixed so they can't complain.

Still doesn't answer if I should continue liking him. Bah! I almost wanna leave it to fate. Its like, if I get promoted then I go ahead proceed liking him. If I don't, hasta la vista and move on.

Crab in a bucket

So I just found out a few days ago that a certain co-worker of mine took my joke too seriously and used it to complain about his/her lack of shifts. I know I've been getting a lot but its not like that's in my control. I didn't even know other people had that much less shifts than me and when I did, I joked that "maybe coz I'm the favorite". Pretty low ball of that co-worker to use my joke to try and get more shifts.

My supervisor was very patient explaining to me that I should try not to make jokes like that and also watch out for 2-faced people. Then he started mentioning that its all crab mentality, some people just like to aim for the successful ones. I'm really glad he's on my side with this. Coz joking aside or not, I'm aware (and so are my supervisors) that I can definitely do my job in an efficient and timely manner plus positive attitude and that alone is the reason for my many shifts.

Anywho, so I sorta spent the next couple of days sulking about which co-worker was this. I have a person in mind but my supervisor said no (not sure if he was just saying that though). I try to think back what he said exactly and since he did mention about being "2-faced", I'm now concerned its actually someone close to me. It still bugs me now but after having one-on-one time with each supervisor, including CD, I feel much better. I apologized to them if it made them look bad but they were actually concerned for me. The female supervisor actually told me they were all worried how to bring up this issue to me. So I was touched that they cared and immediately knew that this was all bullshit.

However due to the freshness of this issue. I am trying to distance myself from all supervisors, especially CD. I don't wanna give that co-worker another excuse to make me look bad just coz I happen to get along with everyone. I was pretty sad with the thought at first but this is probably for a good reason. I don't over-think as much when it comes with CD. I might just be able to fall out of crush for him and still be good friends with him. I really wouldn't wanna lose that guy as a friend after all.

[January 14, 2014 UPDATE]
There was a huge announcement that one of the supervisors is moving to another department. Although I already figured that out by piecing together some recent events. Anyway, one of the co-workers who became my first friend there joked that I should be the next supervisor. See? Even non-supervisors see my hard work and efforts. But I immediately made a sour face and shook my head. Why? Coz the co-worker I first suspected of complaining was sitting beside me. I didn't wanna give her the idea that I'm now after a higher position. I really am not since its pointless coz once I'm back in school (by May hopefully), I'll be working less shifts. But at the same time, if they really did offer me the position, I'm willing to work and study full time.

I should probably keep my mouth shut

This whole trying to be discreet thing is not working out anymore. More and more people are figuring it out and I'm having a harder time weasling my way out of this.

First is a female co-worker who knew how I felt about CD (crush dude). She actually didn't think I was serious and was so shocked when I was a little affectionate during the Christmas potluck. My defense was that he's my ride home and need to make sure he's functional.

Second, though he didn't say it, the host of the potluck and the guy who always joked he'd find me a boyfriend (was even willing to give both of his sons to me) seems to be trying to pair me up with CD. He's hosting another party and he invited me then mentioned that he'll invite CD too. He didn't mention inviting our gay co-worker though who he knows I'm pretty close with as well. So it's like he's siding with me and giving me my chance without feeling guilty.

Third, just a single conversation. Probably the first really with this older lady co-worker. She immediately blurted out that I had a crush on CD. Apparently I talked about him a lot during that allotted time. I didn't bring him up though. She was the one talking about cute guys at work and another female co-worker brought his name up. Then I just brought up the topic about that supervisor who joked about me and him going out. I also mentioned his car a lot coz I really do like it. So somehow I got to segue and say I have a crush on his car. LOL!! But I have to be more careful now because I think she is on a prowl and wants to catch me. She did say I should "go for it", to which I replied "I'm the girl here, he should be the one asking me out". And I don't mean that in a traditional male/female roles but rather my romantic fantasy kicking in.

It'll be a huge challenge since this whole week we have the same shifts. Plus the party will be on Thursday and I don't know if I really do wanna go, whether he's going or not. After how things ended for my gay friend during the last party, I'm a little afraid. I really don't wanna make things awkward at work. And I definitely don't wanna be overthinking more than I already am.