Its not like that anymore

Aside from officially starting my career, December has been an awesome month. I am also back with my overnight team. This time a little smarter and avoiding drama when I can. That being said, I am no longer infatuated with CD but I do get curious once in  a while. I often think what if so and so happened this way, how would things be. Its kinda weird because I feel like I won't be able to move on without figuring out the answer, whether I like the outcome or not. But its probably more because I really don't wanna feel confused like that again and not so much because of CD himself.

A lot of people are curious as to when I'll be introducing someone to them. I know they mean well but its not like its my choice for how things are the way they are. So instead of going nuts over this, I'll just deal with what I know I can... which at the moment is making myself financially independent. I figure by the time he comes along, there's one less problem for us to fight about.

So here's to a brand new year. 2015 was the year I always felt many changes are bound to happen (see 5 year plan of 2013). Though I guess career hunting came sooner than expected. Anyway, here's the new 5 year plan of 2015.

2015: move out; licensing exams
2016: hermit mode
2017: travel
2018: engagement?
2019: marriage? (yeah kinda aiming high here lol)

Fruition

I can finally see all those years of education taking fruition. And yes I had to google how to use the word "fruition", especially since I thought it was "fruitition". Well to be honest, I could've probably gotten the same fruition by skipping university and going to community college instead. Totally backwards right? I remember when I placed university higher than community college in every way imaginable. But this is how I see it now:

If you just wanna study for a short amount of time and gain a very specific set of skills then go for community college. Considering how high tuition cost these days, this is probably the best way to go. If you plan to study longer, perhaps getting a masters or PhD then university for sure. These days bachelors don't mean anything.

Here's kind of a breakdown of the 2 paths I had/might've taken for post-secondary.

To be an elementary teacher at a public school:
4 years for a bachelors at university (~$40,000) + 1 year for second bachelors (~$10,000) = salary of ~$43,000 annually for entry level

To be a pharmacy technician at a hospital:
7 months for a certificate at a community college (~$3,000) + 4 licensing/training exams (~$2,500) = salary of ~$44,000 annually

Whichever path you guys choose just remember to do a bit of research first. Had I known I would've/could've taken this program right after high school, I could've started my career as a pharmacy technician years ago and be earning way more than that. Of course it's not always about the money, I also had other reasons why I decided teaching wasn't for me.

Holy kajeebees

What a confusing week. I'm now on my 3rd week of practicum and its my worst week as of yet. I've made errors that even I'm frustrated about. At least the previous errors I did was because I wasn't taught about it in school. But somehow, my preceptor decided to talk to me about preparing for a screening test so that I can get a jump start on the interview process. Is that not the same as getting a job offer?

Mwahahahaha!!

So I'm going to study this weekend and hope that I pass that screening test. I really don't want to fail because I do like my practicum site and the people there. Plus, I do see myself working there until its time for me to retire. How often do people feel that way about any job prospects?

Anywho, don't wanna jinx this. So... till the next post then.

[UPDATE: October 29, 2014]

Got 98% on the screening test! Although one was a total misunderstanding and the other question was really one of those "well if such and such happened then yeah that statement is true".

[UPDATE: November 7, 2014]

Got interviewed. Did great on it apparently. They just need to check my references and its all set. Oh-em-gee. Here's the first step to my future career. Hurrah!

[UPDATE: November 12, 2014]

I got the job!! Though of course nothing is final till papers are signed. Also, I still need to pass my current practicum which isn't doing so well right now. But I'll rant about that when I'm actually done the practicum. Hehe. Thanks to CD for being my reference.. and belated happy birthday to him too.

Shellfish

Sometimes when I get jealous, I also start feeling angry. At first it'd be at the person I'm jealous of then at myself because its not like that person did anything bad. The next thing you know I'm hating myself for being so selfish.

Why is it so easy to want the things other people have and not notice the good things we already have?

I keep asking myself that question. I know I have many things I'm thankful for... like having a home, a family, friends, education and good health. Some people aren't as fortunate as me. But my selfish side is saying (sarcastically) that I should be thankful as long as someone else has it worse than me. Well that doesn't sound like a good way to cheer myself up.

In addition, I find these are the basic things we should all be getting in life. In an ideal world everyone should have a home, a family, friends and all these good things. The reason why I'm even more upset is because the thing I'm jealous about is one of these basic things as well. I'm baffled at how easy it is for others to have this thing. Sometimes I wonder if its the way I was brought up or the way I look or my personality or just my luck as to why this thing hasn't come my way.

Everyone says I'm still young and got time but I'm thinking well they (the people I'm jealous of) are young too (some even younger). What's driving me bonkers too is that I know that thing is out there for me. But I can't really stand the idea of waiting anymore when everyone you know has it already. So this SHELLFISH person wants to know... when is it my turn?

PS: Total deja vu but I feel like I posted this already and it may even have had the same title... perhaps on another blog.

The hype is over

Starting to feel burned out... like I've learned all that I can (at least the theoretical components). At the same time scared that I'm getting thrown out towards the real world very soon. Just 4 more days of classes and 6 more days of exam to be exact. Brain can't really handle any more information. Body isn't feeling like doing stupid last minute homework that could've been given to us 2-4 weeks ago when we were doing nothing.

Realizing I've got at least 1 more year to be fully licensed. Adding up the cost of each licensing exam and special training. Hoping against odds that I can make up for that cost and risking it all for a chance just to be "casual".

Ugh! My head hurts from going back and forth telling myself: you're almost there but at the same time am I really ever gonna get there.

2015 is going to be an expensive and trying year for sure. So I guess I'll look forward to 2016 instead.

[[Update: Sept 26, 2014]]
So my lab demonstrator just told me a couple of days ago that I got the highest mark so far on our error checking exercise. Then the next day she told me that my preceptor for my practicum emailed her to tell her how impressed she (the preceptor) was by me. My lab demonstrator basically just gave a really good reference about me and my preceptor practically told my lab demonstrator that she wants to hire me, even though we've only chatted on the phone.

God is good! I really need this job and hope that its everything I hope it to be.

Couch Potato

Like I've said before, I don't like exercising. I avoid it at all cost. As soon as my body temperature rises, I get all puke-ish from inducing a migraine. I've managed to lose weight from changing my diet and eating smaller portions than usual. But ever since school started, I've gained almost 10 lbs back. It's coz I'm now awake during normal hours and can't sleep my hunger off like I used to. Plus I'm jacked up on sugar and caffeine just to stay awake in class. Then I eat more to keep my tummy from embarrassingly growling at me while at work or in class.

Now that practicum is a month away, I'd like to nominate myself for my own health and fitness challenge. Since I won't have homework to deal with and no actual work to go to after practicum, I think I'll take my 2 precious months trying to lose most of that 10 lbs I gained. Its gonna be difficult for someone like me to actually follow through any exercise regiment so lets just say I'll be having numerous Zumba sessions with my X-box. Maybe even fit in some squat sessions; I definitely need more butt.

I'm currently 15-20 lbs away from my ideal weight. If I miraculously managed to lose that much before the end of this year then I'll definitely treat myself to a vacation next year.

Leave of absence

One more month till practicum. Then glorious 2 months of being stress-free from work. Although I'm probably gonna be stressed on practicum too... and not getting paid for it for that matter. So I'm not sure if I should be happy about that. But I do know that at least I'll be learning a lot from it plus it'll help me get the career I want.

Work has been very frustrating lately. You'd think we'd get more hours since its back to school already and the holidays are next. I'm not saying I want more shifts... but I do want someone to work with me!! I hate having to serve customers by myself for 3-4 hours then cleaning up by myself too. The only hours that I see going up is towards other departments but I'm sure in terms of efficiency, our department is the most efficient. They should calculate the total sales of each department per number of staff.

I'm glad my old department supervisor is already asking for me to come back. Sadly I do have to go on leave for my practicum but its really good to know I don't have to return to my current department after practicum.

But I'm kinda having second doubts about returning to my old department. After thinking about how many times I've already stood up for GF, I've come to realize he isn't really the kind of friend I need. He is just unpredictable... one moment you're friends, the next you're not. He doesn't even tell you why, he just beats around the bush by posting something vague on facebook. I've had countless times of wondering if I had done something wrong whenever he made one of those post. I guess I just had enough because this whole time I thought of his well-being and somehow always blamed myself when I know I did nothing wrong. Plus I really don't feel any appreciation when I do something nice for him. And I've also come to the conclusion that he will never trust me as a friend because he still sees me as a competition for CD. So I just know me coming back means more drama again. SIGH!!! Well, one problem at a time I guess.

I'm my own therapist

Probably not recommended to anyone.. ever. But I kind like how this played out for me.

So I've been having some real good days lately but amid all that, I've also been having some saddening thoughts. Some of these thoughts I'm not even really sure what they are exactly or why I'm having them in the first place. I guess they're thoughts that come from problems that have stemmed from older problems and so on.

Well, last night I had a dream. I don't remember the whole contents of it but I remember feeling really great afterwards. In the dream, I was sorta hiding in a closet and crying. I was very frustrated but I'm not sure why. Then suddenly CD appears and sat down beside me. He was patting my back as I cried. I just kept crying and I swear at this point its because of how I'm still not sure of how I feel for him. Then he asked me what's wrong. But suddenly I started blurting out things that totally wasn't about him. Like how I don't feel accomplished despite the all the things I've done. It went on and on and I basically am just saying to him that I feel that I'm not good enough for anything. He listened to all my venting and then wiped my tears with his bare hands and said that I am more than good enough. At that point, I think my heart started pounding too much that I actually woke up. I actually did have a bit of tears in my eyes too. But I got that sensation of immense relief, like I really did just pour out all of my soul and let go of everything.

I don't know in real life if I could ever tell him all that or to anyone else for that matter. I didn't even think I had those kinds of thoughts. Denial on my side perhaps? But I do know what he said in the dream is scripted as how I wanted to hear it. However, I can't deny how real it felt. Talking it out, having someone wipe your tears and then telling you that you are more than good enough.

I'm such a hopeless romantic.

M for motivation

I think its cool that my name starts with the same letter as motivation because dang... the stuff that you can do when you're motivated. So I'm not going to brag but I do know I am smart and capable but I also know I'm lazy and somewhat selfish. If I'm not getting anything out of something, I would never bother putting all of my effort in it. For the most part, that's how school has always been.

In elementary, I had one of the poorest grades (not necessarily failing but in a class of 30 students I usually got around the 27th "highest" marks). Why? Because I know all I needed is 75% to graduate and go to the next grade level. Plus its pretty pointless after seeing how stressed my classmates were at trying to impress their parents. In high school, I actually was more motivated to get higher grades. Still not the highest, again, I don't see the point if you're just trying to impress your mom or dad. But it was significantly higher; my GPA was 3.36 when I graduated Gr. 12. Interestingly enough, what motivated me was because it was that much easier to get higher grades coz I finally had classmates who were lazier than me. Haha! Then it got bad again in university. Still the same rational as before but also I think whatever your GPA is (granted that its above or at the passing mark), you still get the same piece of paper saying bachelors of something something. When you get a job interview, its nice to see that you got such and such degree but its really your personality that will shine through. So I figure, I didn't have to try too much... especially since my career ambition wasn't that high anyway. But let's get something straight, if I wanted to be a surgeon, you bet I'd study my ass off.

It's not until now that I've been really motivated to study hard. Why? Because I know there's a promising career at the end of this program. I'm also really enjoying what I'm learning. And the most important part, I'm doing this for myself... and not to impress anyone.

Yes, its a little scary since semester 2 has now begun. I'm that much closer to doing my practicum; to taking my license exams; to doing that job interview. But even then, I'm still motivate to move forward... and maintain that 4.02 GPA I now have. Hehe.

[Update: July 26, 2014]
First assignment for semester 2, I got the highest mark. Boo yeah!

When good things happen to other people

Its that time of the... life... again. Guess its bound to happen more often especially at this age. Mid-twenties is like when everything major in life happens. You or someone you know (of the same age) graduates from university; they get engaged; get married  or have a kid or two. Its like all these wonderful milestones happening one by one. I'm seriously happy for anyone who manages to achieve these things. But at the same time, I'm reminded of the things that has yet to happen to me.

I'm not saying no good thing has happened to me... in fact, there are tons. But that one thing that you'd think everyone gets to eventually have... that still hasn't happened to me. So here I am, waiting for that one thing that everyone else I know had in high school (elementary even for others). Now those same people are like 2-3 milestones ahead of me. I feel so left behind. I feel like nothing has changed. There's nothing new to share whenever I see an old friend and they say "hey, what's up?".

Anyway, sorry for being gloomy. Just had to get this out of my system. Must go back to studying now. Exam week then finally some chillax week after. Can't believe semester 1 is over.

Opt-shuns

Its still months away, 5 months to be exact, but I'm really worried about it. What should I do?

I'll be graduating at that time and I know I won't be getting the career I want right away. I still have my licensing exams to do after all. But that's all right, it works out because that gives me enough time to save up money since I've been working less hours due to school. My goal is to earn as much as I can with my current job but also work at a pharmacy to keep my skills sharp. In order to do this, I'll have to move back to my old department since they work overnights. Then I can work day shifts at the pharmacy. However, I heard that they are dissolving the old department after the holidays which is pretty much when I'm planning to start.

So my troubles are I'll have to be working 2 day shift jobs instead. I find this to be more exhausting and its harder to please each job schedule-wise. The fact that my current day job doesn't have guaranteed hours is also a problem. I'd like to have one job with guaranteed hours and the only way to get guaranteed hours (in my current company) is to be a full time team lead. Which isn't so bad, that's 40 hours a week of higher pay! I wouldn't mind volunteering at a pharmacy instead to keep my skills in practice. At least with volunteering, I can go do it when I want... yay for lazy days. Now the problem with this whole plan is that how am I supposed to get promoted when obviously the company is going through budget cuts if they're willing to dissolve a team.

Ughh!! I know.

You're probably asking why I bother staying at this company. Its really because I don't have long term plans for these jobs so why start over with a brand new company when I'm leaving in less than a year. At least within my current company, I already have a great reputation. I have a better chance of getting what I want with them than having to start over at a brand new company. Of course this is all assuming I pass my licensing exams next year. After which I'm really hoping I get my career started already. Otherwise I may have to stay longer at my current company.

I have to admit though. The thought of being promoted and getting back at a certain co-worker does sound amusing. I wouldn't be mean to her of course but I can at least rub it in her face especially after hearing that:

1.) she voiced her opinion about being a team lead but still hasn't gotten it yet

2.) the friends that she turned on me has now finally seen her true colors and have turned on her

Friendzoning is an ethical dilemma

So this sorta came outta nowhere. Although I guess there were signs and I was just brushing them off coz I really thought I was just overthinking again. I think a co-worker of mine is trying to ask me out. For tradition's sake, we'll give him a codename and it shall be for YC which means younger co-worker.

How much younger you ask? 5 years.

I know its not that big of a gap and people are gonna preach that age is just a number. So let me defend myself by saying that he is far too mature for his age and he doesn't look or act that young. He takes care of his dad, he pays for everything and works for everything, he knows what's it like to be homeless... basically he's gone through a lot and has made it through a lot. In short, I've got a lot of respect for this guy.

But that's it. That's all I got. I don't think I'm attracted to him but at the same time I don't think I'd turn him down if he asked either. He's got lots of good qualities for sure. So my dilemma is if I did go out with him, am I just wasting his time if I don't find myself attracted to him. KC brings up a good point that that's what dates are for... to find out if you really like each other. There's no commitments for a second date or being in relationship. But its not the commitment part that throws me off, its the idea that I'm gonna ruin a perfectly good friendship between co-workers if it didn't work out between us.

Before I get carried away, you maybe asking why I think he likes me. So here are possible signs that never really meant anything until I put the pieces together.

1.) We were talking about movies and he brought up watching Spiderman together. That's like the first sign I could really think of but during that time I thought he just wanted to hangout as a group with the rest of the co-workers so I said if it works with everyone else's schedule why not. He didn't really bother trying to set the movie outing then.

2.) Before going to Hawaii, he asked if I wanted any souvenir. I just casually brought up that I collect seashells. He said he'd bring some for me. And he did but when he came back I was already in the new department and our schedules don't match so he still hasn't been able to give it to me.

3.) One time I got off work and he was about to start, he reminded me again of the seashells. Then he just asked for my phone number. This was probably the real opener for me. Coz he could've just messaged me on Facebook.

4.) Very next day he messages me how my day was and what I was up to. I've never had a guy initiate a conversation that soon. Not saying that everyone should follow that 3 day waiting period policy coz that's bull. But I had to admit, it made me happy having a conversation with someone new.

There's probably other signs before too but I just missed it I guess. So now, I'm not sure what to do. I've decided to just communicate with him like I do with my other friends. I don't want him to misinterpret what I do... the same way I misinterpret what CD did. Speaking of, I find it funny how this whole situation is making me realize that CD maybe really doesn't like me that way. It's like how I feel for YC is how CD probably feels for me. A good friend you don't want to lose but you're also not attracted to.

Determined to kick butt

I know marks aren't everything but I honestly can't recall the last time I felt this competitive about grades. Though I have no clue what the average of the class is or how much my classmates are exactly getting... just seeing 100% on my quizzes, assignments and lab works is making me wanna study even more. I'm really thankful to have awesome teachers who willingly share their knowledge and passion about the program. Then there's also my classmates who are just as eager about learning and continue to help each other out. It's only been 4 weeks but we've been a tight knit group. It'd be really cool to end up working with these people someday.

Now, if I could just be as eager about my new department at work. I'm officially a barista! Pretty cool coz I always wanted to have that experience but I figure I've had way too many entry-level jobs already and should really try to go further in whatever job I currently had. Now, its like the 2 worlds collide and I get both. The sucky part is the timing. The team lead is brand new to that department and has only been trained 2-4 weeks ago. She was on vacation when I started so my first shift got cancelled since no one could train me. My eventual real first shift, she was only there for half the time, so it was cut short. During that time, she was also busy actually serving so she couldn't really train me. Tomorrow's my 2nd shift and she won't even be there. Gah, I don't even feel competent enough to work the cash register plus I don't know enough about the products we serve. I hope it won't be as busy so I can actually learn from someone. Oh and even more annoying, no apron and cap and training journal was prepared for me so I had to borrow other people's stuff. I think they ran out coz our company had a cross-training event and I guess lots of people signed up for being a barista. So needless to say my hours actually became less than what it would've been if I stayed in my old department. Which really sucks since I'll have to pay my car insurance and 2nd instalment of my tuition soon. If I do get better at being a barista and my hours still don't go up, I'll totally complain about this and transfer back to my old work station.

Step by step

You just can't help but feel thankful when you know that the universe is on your side. A total 180 from the previous post.

This was weeks ago but I've only manage to post it now. So, I was having one of those blue days at work. Despite receiving the best annual review, I was really down about my schedule. The supervisors kept emphasizing that the amount of shifts reflects your performance at work. So I was really confused why they say I got the highest review but basically one of the lowest amount of shift. Part of me was convincing myself that they did this coz they know I'd understand and it made it fair to those who always had fewer shifts than me. And yes, I understand the making it fair part because those who did have fewer shifts than me were not necessarily bad at their job. Its just that I was better. I also know they need the money more than I do. Plus with school starting, I really could only work one or two shifts per week so what difference does it make when they start limiting my shifts. So I kept this complaint to myself.

Well, I guess that paid off. Either they were scared of losing me or they finally realized I could move on within the company and not have to compete hours with other capable employees. I don't know why but suddenly 3 departments want to recruit me and another co-worker, who I can guess also got a really high review. I gave them my potential schedule which has more availabilities but shorter shifts. It doesn't matter for me if I get transferred or not. But wow, that feeling of suddenly being in demand and appreciated. Haven't felt that in a long time with all the negativity going on at work

And here's a little bonus. CD found the new schedule I submitted for the other departments. He took and hid them from the other supervisors. So if I don't get transferred, that's why. Insert giggly girl moment.

Another way the universe makes me feel awesome today is because today was the first day of school. Its weird being excited for it. I used to hate school and couldn't wait to graduate and just work. But this time its different because I'm studying for a career I really can't wait to have. Plus there's a real high chance of getting top marks in this class of 20 students. Having this endless possibilities is really great because it makes me look forward to many things in life. Each day that passes by reminds me of how much closer I am to reaching my goal. Not to mention, its a brand new group of people I can potentially hangout with. Hopefully there won't be any drama like with the issue of jealousy. I seriously can't think of what else about me people could be jealous of. After all, I'm so used to being the jealous one myself.

Man, I'm such in a good mood that I've gone ahead and made flashcards for my class though its not yet required. I've happily done my first homework and finished it before even getting bored of it. My lunch for tomorrow is also packed and I've even picked my outfit. Just hoping the weather coordinates and that I get a normal sleep cycle soon.

Thank you universe. But most of all, thank you God for always looking out for me.

Quit testing me, universe!

Every time... ugh.. I swear. You know that time when you're about to give up on your crush but some how they do something and just pull you back in? Well, that's happening right now. Except, I have actually given up on him and I'm not really pulled back in (not all the way anyway) but rather annoyed that its happening now instead of back then.

There was a time when I had my emotional boohoos over CD because it totally caught me off guard and I just panicked about it. I started hyperventilating to DP and KC. Bless their souls for trying to calm me down. Anyway, I told them that everything that has happened between me and CD only happened because I initiated it. I'm the one who invites him to all these hang outs and that just once, I wish it was him who invited me. Well, it finally happened yesterday.

He invited me to a barbecue that the supervisors are planning tomorrow. First of all, let me congratulate myself for not having a screaming-school-girl moment. In fact, my initial reaction was more like an uh-oh. As much as I do want to go and hang out with these awesome people, I am now (and probably forever as long as I'm in that company) afraid of how certain co-workers will interpret this and any future friendship with any supervisor. They will once again blame the supervisors of favoritism and they'll think I'm trying to buy my way up the ranks. So because of that, I wasn't really able to say yes or no. I actually can't remember how the conversation ended too. He did catch me by surprise by asking me. At first I just overheard him talking to the other supervisor about it in the office. Then I left the office to head upstairs and he caught up with me on the escalator. He casually asked if I was going, to which I responded where. I just remember saying I never was invited. Then that's it. Don't recall saying yes, no, maybe, let's talk about it later or anything like that.

So I'll admit a part of me is kinda waiting to be re-invited again. But I'm almost 100% sure it won't happen because he doesn't appear to be that kind of guy and also tomorrow's gonna be a crappy day for a barbecue. The funny thing is I would've probably said no if he did ask me again, unless he manages to convinces me otherwise.

Aside from the invite. He's also been sitting beside me in the lunch room. Though I think that was really just because the other supervisor sat with us too. But at least during these times, I'm not interpreting it anymore like I used to. I'm just really really annoyed that these things are happening now when I wanted it so badly back then.

Feeeeeeed meeeeeee!

Now that I'm not distracted by work or the need to catch up on sleep... my stomach is being bossy. I shouldn't really complain since for the past year my stomach has been well-behaved and eating tons of healthy(er) food. Enough that I've dropped 3 pant sizes. But damn this craving is soooooo bad. I actually drove out at 7:30AM on a Saturday morning just to grab a container of rainbow sour belts.

Been buying these babies little by little at Sweet Factory but I realize that I've been getting em so much that I should just buy the giant container instead. Its cheaper too!! If I recall correctly buying 15 strips or so is about $2.50 whereas this container was $11 which looks like it has over 150 strips.

Now my problem is trying to ration this pile. Plus the giant bag of chocolate covered raisins I also bought coz I happen to see it on the same aisle as the rainbow sour belt. =.="

My brain won't shut up

I think its too excited about the endless possibilities of tomorrow. Even though I'm lacking sleep and actually do have time to sleep, I can't because my brain is just on fire. Its been re-writing over and over again how my life potentially could be for this year and next. Like how school is starting in a month and a half and that I'll only have to study for 7 months, do some training, write a couple of exams and finally land a career I actually do care about. Then next year my potentially new home will be ready. Everything brand-spanking new plus I get to live on my own again.

Just the idea of all these new beginnings is enough to make me happy!

Of course the best new beginning would be finding a new crush. Its kinda sad to say this but I do miss CD only coz I miss the hype of having a crush. When I see him there's no more internal-elementary-school-girl-screaming. Instead I'm seeing more and more why I don't like him as much. Like the things that I wouldn't have minded back then now seem major valid reasons why I shouldn't like him. DP said I'm probably in denial and this is my self-defence mechanism kicking in. But if that's true then I should feel more bothered when he's around me. If any, being with him actually makes me miss and at the same time pity the old me. In some way I really am relieved of having to over-think everything he does but I also miss that part of me that's always hopeful.

The sucker part is that now I can be with him without automatically translating everything he says/does, it seems like we're actually really communicating again. And knowing me, it'll only take so little before I start feeling something for him again.

[March 19, 2014 UPDATE]
Gah! It's starting. The over-thinking. Last night's shift had more communication with CD than usual since there was only 5 of us working. As we were getting ready to go home, he asked if I am working tonight to which I replied no then he casually adds that he also has the night off. I already knew he wanted the night off so he can work on Saturday instead to be there for the other supervisor's last day. But then I started thinking why is he telling me he got tonight off when he knows that I already know he got it off. Anyway, the good part is that I'm only at the "what was that about" stage. I haven't actually began creating scenarios in my head trying to break down what really probably is a simple conversation.

Sucks being the middle man

So drama is still going on at work. It's perhaps doubled coz another set of friends are sorta drifting apart but at least this set is more mature and handle things the right way. So I know I should just butt out of this one coz I'll just be propagating the argument if I become nosey.

Anyway, CF and GF are my main concern. They still aren't talking. It's come to a point that CF doesn't wanna tolerate this bullshit anymore and is planning to give me her resignation letter to pass onto our supervisor CD. I seriously think that's one crappy way to deal with things but I do understand that sometimes it is better to just leave and give space to each other. It's really unfair though.. why does someone have to quit.. why can't our supervisors be our friends. I can just imagine HR saying "I told you so".

I guess its really a bad combination. Jealous, immature, insecure and nosey folks... all being eaten out by stress from both work and personal lives. With my own work problem, at first I thought maybe I was being mean by accepting too many leadership positions. But I've come to realize that getting what I am recognized for isn't something I should feel bad about. If my supervisors think I am more capable of handling such tasks than my co-workers then they should just be quiet or try and improve themselves instead of being envious and making me look bad. I've decided that I'll take all the shifts they think I deserve. If a promotion comes at the right time, I'll take that too. I'm no longer gonna be sorry for being better.

You know, I'm so fired up to fix friendships and prove certain co-workers to just shut up and maybe work harder before complaining about my hours that I really haven't been thinking of CD at all. I think that's a major sign that I've really gotten over him. I'm kinda surprised myself since I didn't think it'd disappear just like that. The only time his name came up was when I felt bad that he couldn't even be friends with us anymore as that would make it appear like he's choosing sides. All because of a misunderstanding between friends that got blown out of proportions coz some nosey folks keeps bringing it up and now are making all party involved feel awkward with each other. Its a good thing that I don't feel that way about him anymore, in case the nosey folks start bringing up my name too, at least I'd be confident when talking to CD that this was all in the past. Plus its one less problem for the poor guy. He maybe a great worker and leader but conflict-resolution is definitely not his thing.

Just when you're done dealing with one problem another one comes along

All those times of going back and forth... liking him and then unliking him. Sure can drive a girl nuts. And perhaps even appear bitchy in the end. But I'd like to believe I'm really gonna make it out of this with no damage done to anyone.

Maybe it's timing with GF pointing out the whole CD and CF possibly liking each other thing. Though I talked it out with CF and its a definite no on her side. On the other hand, I do notice CD being friendlier to CF. I think he really does like her but not enough for him to jeopardize his work. Anyway, it's this kinda stuff that I needed to make me move on. I've told my best friends that I really am starting to like him less and less but I knew there was still a chance for things to rekindle. The lack of interaction was definitely the primary cause. And it sucks that its coz people are misinterpreting my friendship with him (and the other supervisors) as favoritism so its like that chance was taken away from me. But now, I really am relieved. It's finally over! Actually, I'm also kinda curious if the 2 will end up together... almost cheering them on really. He still is definitely a great guy that any girl would die to have and she is an amazing friend.

So at least that problem is done and over with. CD is officially just a dude I work with (should really rename him JD though I'm not sure why I would still talk about him over here). Now my other problem is one that happened a long time ago but I sorta just brushed it off. It kinda resurfaced after some major realization. It's this whole issue of favoritism. I so badly regret making that joke but I really do not understand how that can make people who you thought were friends turn on you. My original group of friends at work are now the ones GF hang out with. I noticed that they seemed to stop inviting me to their outtings but GF always somehow made it. I figure its because during that time he was still jealous of me and how close I was to CD so I let him have his space and vent to "our friends". But after talking to CF, she pointed out that in reality that group was also insecure of me because of the amount of hours/attention I'm getting from the supervisors. Hence GF (though probably not intentionally) and them saw me as a common threat.

It's only now that they're being friendly to me again because now they see CF as a threat for GF's sake. Although I think I still get the stink eye from a few people because I'm still friends with CF. I honestly don't care about that group anymore. Although I'm really worried for GF and CF because those 2 had such a strong friendship. There's a misunderstanding right now for sure but GF being in that group is making the misunderstanding blow out of proportions. What's more, they're making CF look like the bad guy. I'm glad I told GF that even though him and CF don't get along anymore, I'm still both their friends and will go be with both persons when needed. Its just that right now, its hard to be with GF because he's got that huge group backing him up (without even really knowing both sides of the story) whilst CF only has me. Well, there are others from the new group I hang out with (which really was GF's old group) but they are neutral just like me only they prefer to butt out.

Anywho, now I'm just really disappointed at myself and these people. The reason why I stayed in this job was to make friends more than to make money. I don't need to deal with this sorta bullshit but I don't wanna leave behind some of the real friends I've made. What really sucks is that I'm not even trying! Not trying to be the best or work hard. I just naturally am that way. I do what I'm told. I also naturally do just wanna hang out with people and it so happen that the people willing to hang out after work are the supervisors. So why the eff was I singled out to look like I'm trying to buy out my boss' affections. The reason why I'm disappointed at myself is because I still care about how these insecure people think of me. I've been trying not to stand out (according to them anyway) by turning down my supervisor's requests. I even moved out of the section where I was put in charge most of the times so that they will see I'm willing to do the same exact work as them and not just captain all the time. But even that got translated as me seeking more territory. I finally found a new section where it only requires 2 people to work. At least then no one gets jealous of that or sees that I'm captaining since its a smaller group. The most disappointing thing I don't like about this side of me is that I can't even bring it up to my supervisors. I really like all of them and do not want them to get caught in this bullshit. But how do I exactly bring this up... ohh so you know how you say I'm a really good employee, well I need to be a shitty employee now coz my fellow co-workers are complaining about the hours and attention you've been giving me. What's more is that CD is my direct supervisor. I would be talking to him about this and the last thing I need is for him to feel sorry for me.

UGHH! I wish it was March of next year already. By then I can be a certified Pharmacy Technician and hopefully be dealing with much more mature co-workers.

Tearfest

I don't know if its just me or if I'm just being too girly sometimes but I do have a tendency to just want to cry for no apparent reason. I don't mean like a baby throwing tantrums. I'd like to think its more of a therapeutic process. I think it happens once I've dealt with too much emotion and I'm done processing it so now it's like I need a major stress release. Although I do remember reading somewhere that tears make our body produce more endorphins thus having that "happier" after-effect.

Depending on my mood I can watch dramas endlessly until I've cried all I can. Sometimes I sing till my throat hurts. Other times I just cuddle a pillow under my duvet and listen to really sad songs until I fall asleep. Lately though, all this blogging is becoming a great emotional outlet. I've also started writing on journals again (by journals I mean word document) and I almost immediately always write something as soon as my emotions get extreme. I think it helps me process my feelings and makes my tendency to over-think look stupid. It's actually pretty funny reading most of them again.

One of the most recent emotional rollercoaster ride is when GF pointed out something that irked him about the party a couple of Sundays ago. During that party CD got a little drunk; probably coz he didn't get enough sleep so it hit him a little faster than usual. There was of course photo sessions during the party and one of which our female common friend (hence forth called CF) asked to have a picture with CD. CD doesn't really like photo sessions that much but this time he agreed then jokingly leaned his head on CF's shoulders. After one shot, I think he realized what he's done so he covered his face and started moving around a lot so it was harder to take a picture. According to GF that's when he noticed that CF and CD may like each other and more so on the guy side. Of course GF is really torn because he is really close with CF.

When this was pointed out I wasn't really bothered but it definitely affected me. I began being more suspicious of both CF and CD. I know CF likes to be extra friendly with CD to tease GF and perhaps even test me on how I will react. For instance, I was actually really surprised that CD agreed to go watch a movie with me and CF. I just worked a shift, had a breakfast party and shopping with him and other co-workers so I was pretty sure he'd say no out of exhaustion. But there was no "maybe" it was a straight up "sure". I was gonna use the opportunity to observe how the 2 acts during the movie; even if it meant I might be a third wheel. However, CF cancelled because she wasn't able to fall asleep. I asked if she already told CD and she replied she did and that also he just slept a few hours ago. That's when I started having my emotional panic. How the hell does she know what time he slept... have they been texting the whole time. All these scenario started popping in my head.

I haven't seen CF since then but I know things between us are still the same. I definitely don't blame her if she does fall for him and him for her. She's a great friend like I mentioned before. However with CD, I worked one shift with him since the failed movie plan and I really felt like he's been avoiding me for some reason. He hasn't been smiling as much either. The latter half of the shift, I also started avoiding him.. not even making eye contact. Sounds childish I know but also I felt like he totally just forgot about me when he didn't call me for break. Basically, I know he's not angry at me but I just don't make a bleep in his radar either. According to another team leader he had an inkling that I didn't hear the break announcement but I guess that wasn't enough for him to confirm if I really did. Ohhh and guess what? I've been re-aligned to be under his team. He is now my direct supervisor. What great timing huh?

I'll really need to cry all these out pretty soon or I might just snap at the wrong person here.

Same songs new meanings

After having more karaoke sessions, I'm brought back in time and begin to reminisce the days when songs were just music. I guess I was too young or naive then to realize what the lyrics mean or what emotions were being conveyed. It's only now that I'm having this deeper connection to these songs. Quite a few of them, I actually don't recall the title or who the singer/band was. Luckily, in this day and age, a quick Google search can solve that. There's even an app for recognizing songs for you.

So now I've spent a day downloading all these songs from my past, reading the lyrics over and over again. The most recent in the list is Eraserheads's Ang Huling El Bimbo (The Last El Bimbo in english). I don't think translating the lyrics in english will have the same effect as hearing it in tagalog. But the story of the song is basically a guy who's reminiscing about his school days during which he learned how to dance El Bimbo from a very beautiful girl. He describes how his love for her developed but not once was he able to tell her. However time has now past and the last he has heard of her, all these sad things happened including her death.

My favorite lines are:

Magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay-malay
(We're holding hands and not realizing)
Na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig ng tunay
(That you've taught my heart to truly love)

Thanks for the blessings

WHAT A GREAT WEEK!!

Thank you Lord so much for the many blessings you have showered me, especially this week alone.

First is the birth of my nephew. Minion #3 has arrived and is healthy, happy and handsome as all babies should be. My sister-in-law is recovering well, my brother seems to be adjusting better with having another newborn and my niece is doing a great job of being a big sister. I'm super happy for my family for this new lovely addition. I can't wait to see the little guy again and spend some quality auntie-nephew time.. which really just means he sleeps while I watch and play with his little piggy toes.

Second is my shopping date with my best friend today. It wasn't the full day shopping we're used to but not bad. Managed to get a pair of good material denim for $10. Best part? I'm down 3 pant sizes since I left for Korea!! Its a little snug but I know I gained a pound or 2 due to lack of shifts at work recently but once that's over, I can lose those pounds again. Plus I needed pants. I only have 2 pairs left that fit, everything else got too big.

Third is still on the making. A birthday party for our co-worker is happening this weekend. Originally CD couldn't make it coz he ended up getting a shift that night. I actually managed to not be sad about this so that alone is a feat. But when I found out he's been trying to get that shift cancelled, I actually got super happy. And the manner/timing of how I found out kinda makes it special... like its a sign. An even higher and newer supervisor had called me in the office but before he could tell me about what, CD called in. They were on speaker phone so I recognized his voice. The higher supervisor jokingly asked why he was so bent on getting this shift off. Right then and there, said shift was cancelled and now I know CD will be at the party for sure. It's like the universe just wanted me to be there front and center to see it all unfold. However, the sad part is that we're expecting a snowstorm to hit on the same day. So its very likely that the party will be cancelled. If there's to be another blessing, a light layer of snow would be great so we can take group pics outside but still good weather condition for driving. Or just no snow at all. Especially since I'm probably gonna be designated driver again.

3.5th blessing is the reason I got called in the office. They wanted to give me an extra shift next week. Of course I accepted it and then the higher supervisor joked that he actually already entered my schedule before I even confirmed. It can only mean he already recognizes my abilities despite only working with him 3-5 times since he got to our department. Ohhh and CD happens to be working during that same shift. So that's like a bonus right there.

Fourth, as of like an hour ago (considering its around 5AM and my sleep cycle is messed up), I just got my acceptance letter to the program I applied for back in 2012. It had such a long ass wait list due to its low requirements but high outcomes. This program pretty much is the first step to the career I've decided on; the first step to the life I've pictured myself to have. It's part of the 5 year plan and I seriously don't have any more back ups after this one. I can't and won't screw it up because I've narrowed down my career choices to being a counsellor/teacher or pharmacist. I've already tried the first and just know I will definitely get burned out easily despite my passion for helping others out. So now, I get to do science-cy stuff which was pretty fun back in high school. I'm pretty damn excited but classes won't start till May. I've already got ideas running in my head on how I'm gonna balance out work with school; especially if there's gonna be room for promotions. But I gotta remember not to let it get to me. Never expect a promotion until its been said and signed.

Fifth, who knows? Might actually be during the party itself. Hehe! Anyway, I'm just super duper happy and can't stop smiling. Seems like small stuff to most people but I've always been the simple type of person and small things like these mean way more to me. Plus, its good to always thank the Lord!

Dreaming about the future

Dreams can really be confusing. The kind you get from sleep; though dreams like hope can be confusing-ish too. They can be happy or sad. Comforting or frightening. Some feels like it goes on forever while others are cut too short. But the most confusing ones are the ones that feel like it might be predicting something about the future. In my case, they're not necessarily recurring but rather those that inexplicably come up and feel like they hold some important value.

My favorite one was when I dreamt of my nephew. I only had one niece at the time and no nephew. But anyway, in the dream, we were in a brand new house (I think it was my sister's). As I enter the house, I rush straight to the kitchen window where there's a nice view of the back porch and yard. 2 girls (presumably my nieces) around the ages of 5 and 7 years old were sitting on the hanging bench with their backs on the window. I open the window and jokingly teased the girls because they didn't say hi to their "favorite" auntie. Then the girls turned around and beamed up smiling then started yelling hi. A few minutes later the front door opens and its my sister and her husband carrying a newborn baby boy. We all settle in the kitchen and start crowding around the baby.

I had this dream while I was living by myself in another country. Needless to say, I was homesick. But it's always been my favorite because it reminds me how lucky I am to have a family that's growing healthily and happily. I also really like it because in the dream, there actually was someone else with me as I entered that house. I couldn't remember the face or the name (if it ever came up) but it felt like the guy is my boyfriend who's made my family like his own.

Ever since then, I told myself by the time I get a nephew (or become a 3rd time aunt) I should be getting a boyfriend. Now I am gonna be a 3rd time aunt and it is gonna be a nephew. Just a few more days till the proud moment!! Of course not everything in the dream became true. For instance, I now do have 2 nieces but one from my sister and one from my brother. In the dream both nieces felt like they came from my brother. In real life, its my sister-in-law who is giving me a nephew and not my sister. The age of the girls are quite a few years off. And my sister's house doesn't have a back porch; nor does my brother's. So really the only things that were correct were the orders of the children: 2 girls and 1 boy. But I'm still hoping that the mystery guy does show up sometime before baby #4 from whichever sibling arrives.

Now here's the kicker. A few days after having that dream. I had another one that was more like a puzzle. I'm not sure how it started and what it was really about. The only reason it stuck to me till now was because when I woke up, I yelled out the numbers 3-1-4. I kept trying to figure out what it meant. Obviously not lottery numbers. Not related to anything I was dealing with at the moment or something I might've recently encountered. The only conclusion I got was it somehow could be about March 2014 or possibly even March 14th itself. I don't know anyone born that day. But for now, I just tell myself something important will happen then.

So putting those together. I'll definitely be happy if on March 2014 I found my mystery guy. Or I guess with my most recent situation, I'd be very happy if CD does become my mystery guy.

All we need is a friend

Sometimes all we need is a good friend who's willing to listen to your crap and be on your side no matter what. I'm so glad that I have this kind of person in my life. Several, in fact, but like any other friendship different paths in life causes less communication. I don't blame us or our life choices. I'm just glad that during this time when my best friends feel a little distant, I have suddenly have another person I can rely on, especially at work.

It's kinda unexpected really. She's a nice person and really funny and easy to get along with but I never really saw us being close. We have more in common I guess in that we both love to tease and joke around but when it gets to serious stuff we're there for others more often than not. This is the same co-worker who was the first to notice when I had that really bad day. She looked for me the whole shift and then whenever she found me, she would repeatedly ask if I was okay. Then at the end of the shift, she texted me to see if I was fine. I've never met a person who's very caring as her when I never really thought we were that close.

Today we got paired to work on several projects and its probably my favorite shift of all time. We chatted a lot but we didn't get scolded because we were still faster than everyone. It helps that she already knows I like CD and we got to talk about him a lot. But what really made me happy was when she told me her thoughts about that person who complained about my getting more shifts. It still bothers me and I wanna know who but she managed to boost my confidence with simple words. We were actually talking about promotions and she wondered why I didn't apply yet. I said that I didn't want to unless they approached me because I don't want that jealous co-worker to think I'm being superior/snobbish again talking about promotions. She just paused there and then and started saying something like this:

What does that person care. If she/he can't perform at your level, he/she has no right to complain. And really at the end of it all, when everyone doesn't know what to do who do they go to but you. You're practically team lead by default.

So I really just beamed up when I realized that there are people who recognize my ability. And hearing this from another capable person just made me feel better. I'm 100% enjoying my job again. I won't let that jealous co-worker get inside my head any more. I'll just work my well deserved shifts and continue appreciating friends like this girl.

What to do, what to do

The more I tell myself I don't like him, the more I find myself trying to stare at him. Its seriously confusing.

I know I really miss hanging out with him after work but its pretty much impossible now coz of 1) his higher position and 2) jealous co-worker making more complaints. So I'm trying not to miss him by acting strictly as co-workers. But I think its backfiring. Less interaction with him makes me anticipate him more. I also end up talking about him more to others. It's a lot like someone going on a diet; the more they avoid the food they're trying to give up, the more they crave it.

I think my hopes went up again with the possibility of a promotion. Not only would we be the same level (and dating would be allowed), we'd have more reason to hang out now. At least it'd be fair game for me to decide if I still like him then. Anyway, my best friend who is a supervisor in a different department told me that several other supervisors like me and my own direct ones have recommended me. Although there is no current spot that's open, I can see it opening up some time in May/August for the back-to-school madness. However, it's possible that I'd also start school then. I'm not quite sure if I can handle full time school and work. Especially since this program is intensive with 1.5 years worth of schooling crammed in 30 weeks. But at the same time, 10 of those 30 weeks are meant for practicum so no test/homework... meaning just 20 weeks of no real sleep.

It would be awesome to be promoted but I've long gone gave up on it because I seriously thought I was just gonna quit once school starts. But after all this, I feel like I still want to get to know CD. So if I am staying and really want to get to know him some more, promotion is the only way to go. This would really get rid of those problems I mentioned above since 1) we'd be same positions and 2) be jealous if they want, I'm their supervisor now and my hours are fixed so they can't complain.

Still doesn't answer if I should continue liking him. Bah! I almost wanna leave it to fate. Its like, if I get promoted then I go ahead proceed liking him. If I don't, hasta la vista and move on.

A not so new year resolution

Back in the days, I did make a list of resolutions every new years. I'd probably have about 10 things in each list. To summarize, I've probably only successfully accomplished 3 of those and it wasn't even on the year I made it for.

1.) Get my driver's license. Pretty sure I promise this myself at 17 and I did get it only it expired and I haven't really tried again until I was 20.
2.) Lose weight and maintain the ideal weight. Still an on going project and probably forever will. Lost roughly 30 lbs since my university graduation. 15 more lbs till I reach my ideal weight.
3.) Live abroad by myself. This was more of a bucket list but I added it officially on my resolution list after grad. Who knew a few months later it'd come true. South Korea is now my 3rd home.

Hopefully to add a fourth one on the accomplished resolution list is to learn how to play a musical instrument. It's pretty hard as no one in the family has any musical talent. Nor was it ever fostered. It's not that we couldn't afford it but it certainly wasn't a priority. Since I now have free time and am blessed by God by not having any debts, I think its time to make that resolution come true. I'm borrowing my best friend's guitar for now since we're sorta on the same boat... wants to learn how to play an instrument but its not a priority thus guitar is now collecting dust. If I really do get into it, you bet I'll be buying my own.

Learning will be difficult as I absolutely haven't retained any info from my last music class which was way back in elementary. I'll have to learn how to read a sheet music; somehow translating those notes into sounds on the guitar; remembering finger positions and how to make what chord; tuning my ear to tell the difference between pitches and other musical terms you can think of. It'll really be from scratch basically. Now, I don't intend to be a genius composer/song-writer here but the gist of this resolution is to be able to play my favorite songs.

This passion honestly stems back from listening to OPM songs. I find it to be more soulful, the lyrics do make you emotional and the instrumentals are more eloquent. Even if someone didn't understand Tagalog, I think they can tell from the singer's voice and the instruments what emotion is being conveyed. So it makes sense that the first song I want to be able to play is OPM.

Forevermore by Side A is my ultimate favorite OPM which I sing over and over again on my karaoke. Sure, I might've botched up the song but I love it so much that I don't care. CD happens to like this song too but he plays it on the guitar, not sing it. (Lemme say it now that I'm learning how to play the guitar / this song not because of CD but for me)

Hopefully I'll be able to make a video of me playing this song on the guitar. I promise no singing involved!

Crab in a bucket

So I just found out a few days ago that a certain co-worker of mine took my joke too seriously and used it to complain about his/her lack of shifts. I know I've been getting a lot but its not like that's in my control. I didn't even know other people had that much less shifts than me and when I did, I joked that "maybe coz I'm the favorite". Pretty low ball of that co-worker to use my joke to try and get more shifts.

My supervisor was very patient explaining to me that I should try not to make jokes like that and also watch out for 2-faced people. Then he started mentioning that its all crab mentality, some people just like to aim for the successful ones. I'm really glad he's on my side with this. Coz joking aside or not, I'm aware (and so are my supervisors) that I can definitely do my job in an efficient and timely manner plus positive attitude and that alone is the reason for my many shifts.

Anywho, so I sorta spent the next couple of days sulking about which co-worker was this. I have a person in mind but my supervisor said no (not sure if he was just saying that though). I try to think back what he said exactly and since he did mention about being "2-faced", I'm now concerned its actually someone close to me. It still bugs me now but after having one-on-one time with each supervisor, including CD, I feel much better. I apologized to them if it made them look bad but they were actually concerned for me. The female supervisor actually told me they were all worried how to bring up this issue to me. So I was touched that they cared and immediately knew that this was all bullshit.

However due to the freshness of this issue. I am trying to distance myself from all supervisors, especially CD. I don't wanna give that co-worker another excuse to make me look bad just coz I happen to get along with everyone. I was pretty sad with the thought at first but this is probably for a good reason. I don't over-think as much when it comes with CD. I might just be able to fall out of crush for him and still be good friends with him. I really wouldn't wanna lose that guy as a friend after all.

[January 14, 2014 UPDATE]
There was a huge announcement that one of the supervisors is moving to another department. Although I already figured that out by piecing together some recent events. Anyway, one of the co-workers who became my first friend there joked that I should be the next supervisor. See? Even non-supervisors see my hard work and efforts. But I immediately made a sour face and shook my head. Why? Coz the co-worker I first suspected of complaining was sitting beside me. I didn't wanna give her the idea that I'm now after a higher position. I really am not since its pointless coz once I'm back in school (by May hopefully), I'll be working less shifts. But at the same time, if they really did offer me the position, I'm willing to work and study full time.

I should probably keep my mouth shut

This whole trying to be discreet thing is not working out anymore. More and more people are figuring it out and I'm having a harder time weasling my way out of this.

First is a female co-worker who knew how I felt about CD (crush dude). She actually didn't think I was serious and was so shocked when I was a little affectionate during the Christmas potluck. My defense was that he's my ride home and need to make sure he's functional.

Second, though he didn't say it, the host of the potluck and the guy who always joked he'd find me a boyfriend (was even willing to give both of his sons to me) seems to be trying to pair me up with CD. He's hosting another party and he invited me then mentioned that he'll invite CD too. He didn't mention inviting our gay co-worker though who he knows I'm pretty close with as well. So it's like he's siding with me and giving me my chance without feeling guilty.

Third, just a single conversation. Probably the first really with this older lady co-worker. She immediately blurted out that I had a crush on CD. Apparently I talked about him a lot during that allotted time. I didn't bring him up though. She was the one talking about cute guys at work and another female co-worker brought his name up. Then I just brought up the topic about that supervisor who joked about me and him going out. I also mentioned his car a lot coz I really do like it. So somehow I got to segue and say I have a crush on his car. LOL!! But I have to be more careful now because I think she is on a prowl and wants to catch me. She did say I should "go for it", to which I replied "I'm the girl here, he should be the one asking me out". And I don't mean that in a traditional male/female roles but rather my romantic fantasy kicking in.

It'll be a huge challenge since this whole week we have the same shifts. Plus the party will be on Thursday and I don't know if I really do wanna go, whether he's going or not. After how things ended for my gay friend during the last party, I'm a little afraid. I really don't wanna make things awkward at work. And I definitely don't wanna be overthinking more than I already am.