Home Sweet Home

Slowly but surely moving in. I'm finally doing a bit of grocery shopping. And tonight my intercom number was set up. I had to chuckle a bit after seeing what my code was so my visitors didn't have to search my name in the directory. It was the store number of my previous company where CD and I worked. Which luckily means its easy for me to remember too.

I'm done buying the necessary stuff too. Everything from now can wait until a better deal comes along or if someone gifts it to me. =P So the goal now is to save save save. I am debating though if I wanna get a tree. I just want a small 3-4 footer so it might be doable for this year.

I'm just really glad that everything I've gotten so far fits and looks perfect. The sofabed I've been pre-shopping for was really a float or sink kinda situation. Every other furniture I would be getting was gonna depend on how that sofabed fit in my new place. Plus the color I wanted was not displayed in the showroom at Ikea and I couldn't simply rely on the catalouge. So when delivery came I was super duper happy to see how the shade was the one I exactly hoped it to be. The dining table I got also ended up being the perfect size. I saved a bit of money too because I didn't have to purchase a bed set since my grandma's bed remained unused.

GAHHHHH!! I can't help but be sooooo happy with my new place. Most of all, its because my 5 year plan continues to work out.

Thank you so much God for these wonderful blessings you've showered me.

Them Signs Be Back

I've already accepted that I tend to interpret a lot of things that happen to me as signs. Just read my old posts here. But sometimes you really can't just help but wonder why fate is toying with you. Its like when you're finally able to stop thinking of someone every dang second, they suddenly show up again.

So on Sunday my mom wanted to have sushi for dinner. We went to pick it up at our usual restaurant. I stayed in the car while my mom grabbed the food. And in that 10 minute window, CD just happens to drive into the parking lot. I'm not sure if he realized I was there but I decided to just stay in my car and let it be. I tried ignoring it and definitely wasn't gonna make any interpretations like I used to.

Then on the same day I saw this post about people getting married at the place where they first met... and that featured couple on the article happen to meet at the same company where CD and I met. I also just had to watch this sad TV show where this guy and girl had been very good friends since they were kids. They both couldn't open up about how they felt for each other. Eventually time has passed and each found their own spouse. All those years they still haven't lost their love for each other. Even though they remained faithful with their own respective spouses until the death of said spouses. 55 years later they reconnected and finally got things right.

Now, I can't help but wonder again. What if its not over? What if there's more?

Shit Has Hit the Fan

I repeat!

Shit has hit the fan!!

What the heck is going on at work? I thought we're under budget? Why the heck have they opened a new position?

One of my co-worker went on mat leave and her replacement just finished training. Another co-worker leaves and the new replacement has just started training. Then another co-worker is coming back from mat leave so she needs to be re-trained as well. And now this? A totally brand new job position! One which no current casual from our team can pick up because we're all pretty low ranking in seniority.

So I'm already on the lowest of the low and now I just got pushed down not once, not twice but thrice!

This is not looking very good at all.

Insert swear words *(&$W%!*@)#%$!)#@F

The Calm Before Shit Hits The Fan

Sooooooo I'm slightly doing better compared to last week. I've done around $600 worth of damage. Surprisingly on things I actually do need and not just on recklessly must have now. I think it helped that I finally found out the completion date for my new condo. Woohoo! Something good to look forward to. That oughta keep me distracted till November. I just hope that my shifts increase from now on so that I can pay for this new responsibility. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to do careless spending anymore. Every price tag will now incur a good 5 minute or more thought process.

I'm so excited but also scared.

But most of all. I'm thankful because I know God provides for His children. =)

F

I just did my last portion for my licensing exam.

Annndddd I wanna kill myself.

I'm hella depressed and probably would be until those results get released on November.

You know what the sad part is though. Its not the lack of content that I studied. Coz honestly, I couldn't even think of what else I would study if I have to re-take it. Its my damn nerves.

I've done exams before where I'm a wreck but at least those are written exams and I get a good 5-10 minutes to calm myself. Whereas this exam is more practical and interactive and I've got more than 2 sets of eyes staring at me while I do my best to answer questions.

There were breaks in between stations but I used that to either pray or bang my head when no one's looking.

What would be sadder if I failed this is that I found out one of my classmates passed it and she was nearly failing in school back then.

So tomorrow, I might just go pig out and shop like crazy with my best friends to calm myself down and forget this nightmare.

What's done is done.

Its Starting to Look a Bit Like Fall

Fall fall fall. My favorite season of all.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before. How could anyone not like fall? The leaves change to these wonderful colors. The weather is just right with the sun shining but not burning. Its the perfect temperature to cuddle. And although I drink coffee and tea regardless of the season, something about fall makes these hot beverages extra wonderful. Besides food and drinks, there's the fashion to admire. Fall jackets, wool coats, parkas... they're my absolute favorite article of clothing. Next to the boots whether ankle or knee high.

The ultimate best part of fall of course? SEASON PREMIERS!!! I just badly need to know which Stark would be dying next. Or if Jo and Alex would be the only happy ending from last season's Grey's. In fact, I'm still trying to figure out how the women from Walking Dead are surviving without tampons and pads... and if they are extra vulnerable during their time of the month? Its also been so long since I've last seen my TV hubby Jensen Ackles, better known as Dean Winchester. Will they be revealing a new clone to join Orphan Black's clone club... although I really am liking the change in dynamics by adding the ditzy one.

Oh fall. I do hope you come sooner and stay longer.

Frankly. I'm done with wearing shorts and flip flops. And if I may be an honest woman... lemme just say shaving every damn day just to go out, even if its just grocery shopping, truly sucks. Especially when you now got a niece who's old enough to complain about "pokey" legs.

For the Lonely and Broken Hearted

During last week's pot bless event at my church's college group. A few of us girls and boys decided to talk about past love. Whether it was our first crush, last one or the one the just hurts us the most. I was really surprised at how LB opened up. Then the next thing you know, one by one, people just started talking about their "almost". Its kinda funny coz I would never expect some of them to go through what they had gone through. They are absolutely gorgeous, handsome, and fantastic people all around to be with.

Of course, I told them about CD. And how I was truly afraid to lose both CD and GF as a friend. But to be honest, I'm kinda glad I don't have to worry about them both anymore. At the same time though, I don't think I really wanna be around them any time soon. I feel like when I do see them again, I hope I'll have become a better person. You know, make them see what they've missed out on. Though I can't imagine having that sort of goal for the rest of my life. Proving yourself to others seem pretty pointless when those others don't care about you the way you do them.

So instead I'll share that caring feeling to the others who are lonely, broken and perhaps even neglected. Here's a poem I made for those either wishing to go back to those beautiful times or those wanting to jump ahead towards that better future.

I Miss The Way You’ll Love Me

Remember that time we’ll meet?

The way you’ll look standing across that street

Never again will my heart beat so fast

As when your eyes upon my face, it casts

Oh how the blood will rush to my cheek

Causing me to look away and still take a peek

How I miss when we’ll play pretend

Maybe even give mixed signals to send

When finally you’ll walk my way

And I’ll look up just in time to say

I miss the way you’ll love me

This much can you foresee?

Big Kid Throws a Tantrum

I really feel like going belly down on the floor and flopping my arms and legs while wailing like a damn beluga. I'm not sure what happened but its like something finally got my switches flipped and I am totally feeling like being a grade A top knotch biotch.

Every damn small thing is making me angry. Some are valid angry moments and others are just plain ridiculous but its like I don't care and I just wanna be vicious.

1.) My last licensing exam. I've been waiting for the damn letter to notify me of my seat for the exam. My classmate who applied 2 days after me, got it last week on Thursday. So I'm effing confused how her application got processed before mine. If they're going alphabetical by applicant's last name, her last name is just a letter before mine. Seriously doubt it takes a day, a full weekend and another day for my mail to arrive after hers. We're both on the same stages of the licensing process too. So where's my damn letter? Ugh. It says online that I should only call if its within the 1 week window. That's a little late in my opinion. What about the poor folks who finds out they don't have a spot to write the exam and they took a week off at work to study.

2.) A group of church friends wanted to make/give a present for our Pastor's birthday. I told them about taking pics from my polaroid and putting in a frame... all of which I can get prepared since I know they're busy. I just ask that they meet me for 5 minutes. No one effing replies. I know they read the post. All they had to say was yes, no, maybe. But not a single effing reply. This isn't the first time where I try to arrange something and no one replies. Dude, I've been through school and work and most often than not.. both at the same time. I know how busy one can get. I'm also busy myself. But I really really find it disrespectful when someone doesn't even acknowledge your question when you know they read it. Plus you've already suggested ways to make it easy for them but no... not even a thank you. I wouldn't take offense if they didn't like the photo idea. I've emphasized time and again that we can do something else. This is supposed to be the group where we trust each other and pray for each other but I can't even get a single damn project to work out with these people.

3.) My mom has been irking me a lot these days. I figure it adds up to one thing. She's getting old and you know how old people can be stubborn. Like on Friday, I got mad how she can be so inconsiderate towards me. She wanted us to go sleepover at my brother's place to visit my new nephew but kept telling me to ask. What I don't get is why me? She can ask herself, she's the one who wants to go. And the funny thing is she tells me to ask but then there's also times she tells me that I'm too disrespectful because I just go to my brother's place likes its my own place and eat their food like its my own food. How I see it is that she wants to be able to go to my brother's place like how I do but is too shy in her old fashioned way about it and insist on hiding behind my so-called "disrespectful" way. So anyway, we finally got to the go signal to sleepover there. My mom then tells me she'll just visit someone at the hospital first before getting home. The person is on the end of life care program so I understood why she had to go. It was around 7:30 pm and I started wondering where she was. Turns out she's grocery shopping. What the fuck. I wanna go to my brother's place to see the kids awake. What was the point of us sleeping over there if the people we're visiting are asleep? She then said it was for our breakfast tomorrow. Ummm... then wouldn't the better solution be to visit tomorrow after breakfast? Sheesh. So long story short I drive at 9 pm to visit no one. Other things that irk me is when she'd ask me a question when she'd figure out the answer herself in half a second. Like that time she had her hand on the door lock and asks me if I locked the door. I said, why don't you go check. Then she goes on saying I'm being rude. All the while, I'm just thinking FML woman. Your hands are literally on the lock. You just twist left or right and you'd know. Besides if I had said yes or no... she'd still check anyway and lock it herself. She also thinks its rude when I say I know. She goes on saying why can't you say yes mom or no mom. I know is just I know, quit translating it to tagalog and adding the tone you are imagining which I'm definitely not giving off. Although these days I probably am giving it off more than usual because you are getting too defensive about my so called attitude. The more you think I have an attitude, the more I'll show it.

4.) Work. I know they're just going through the protocols but these on call shifts are getting ridiculous. People should've just given their shifts away in the first place instead of scrambling last minute to find a replacement. Ohhh and I couldn't believe they still posted a full time line knowing well that the casuals and part times aren't getting any good amount of shifts. Couldn't they wait till next year when the casuals have earned their license? What's the hurry to hire a new person when there's no budget and the current staff you have are demanding for more hours.

BWAHHHHHHH! End of tantrum I think. Yeah, sorry to sound like a brat. Like I said, dunno where it came from.

Big Kid Reality

So we just had the walk through for my new place. I'm really moving out... and not like 1 year abroad kinda deal... but the real building my own home as a grown up kinda deal. Not saying this'll be my forever home but its a start.

I will be among those suckers who gotta pay mortgage. Mwahahaha.

I'm super excited but at the same time, I've never had this big of an expense before. Praying to God that He'll be providing me with my needs. Because like I asked before, if I wasn't gonna be able to afford it then Lord please turn down my mortgage application. But it looks like it went through. So God must have some big plans for me. Of course, I'll still be doing my fair share of hard work.

So so so so so can't wait to move in. 24/7 of such an amazing view. That fabulous feeling of decorating your own place from scratch. Color themes!!! Furniture shopping. And the best part; inviting the people you want and chilling at your own place and not having to worry about other family members having to hold your night back.

THANK YOU LORD for making this new years resolution come true.

Just Keep Swimming

Sometimes I get into this state of "meh". Its like I've accepted today, like any other day, would be the same routine. Outta bed, go to work, eat, back to bed. Its that stuck in a rut kinda feel but not as depressing.

I know I should be more happy because things are slightly moving along. I did get the 2nd part time job. Its hella boring but at least it pays. I've been there just over a month now and I already got a recognition. They have this pretty cool award system; you get a fossil watch, cash, or choose from their catalog... depending on what you won and how many times you've won. I'm 2 recognitions away from that watch and cash prize. =P

Moving out is becoming more and more real day by day. Just waiting for the go signal for move in date and signing mortgage papers. I'm kinda scared that I won't be able to be freely spend as I like because my hours still hasn't gone up at the hospital and soon my financial needs would like triple in size. Mind you, I don't spend a lot and rarely on expensive things. But when I do like something even if its expensive, I would buy it.

On the dating front. I actually met a guy online and we did meet once. Unfortunately, I'm really not feeling anything. Interesting guy to talk with online but what's really getting at me is that I think he needs a friend more than a girlfriend. Who knows maybe that girlfriend is the friend he needs but I don't think that its me. I'm actually now somewhat figuring out how to tell him this. I have a feeling he isn't seeing other girls because we're still talking to each other. I don't want him to miss out on meeting his Ms. Right. But at the same time, knowing his current situation, I can tell he just needs someone to talk things out and I'm willing to be the friend that listens so bringing up that I'm not interested in him seems rather mean at this point.

On the bright side, I'm glad this is as bad as how my problems can be right now. They're pretty minute compared to what others face on a daily basis.

Match Made in Heaven

You know when you can just tell some people are meant to be? Well, I'm grateful to know many people have found their "the one". In fact, the most recent of that list is my first crush. I didn't mean to Facebook stalk but it appeared on my timeline and of course I went ahead and browsed a few pictures.

I had a crush on him when I was in Grade 3 but I knew him since nursery school. He was your typical popular guy who's a combination of smart, athletic and good-looking. He was everyone's friend and every girl's dream guy. You could see him as the doing-things-in-an-orderly-fashion kinda guy... graduating from a well-known university, getting a high paying job, marrying a nice girl and then having kids. So I was really shocked to find out that he and his girlfriend had a kid before graduating and getting married.

It shattered my image of my first crush, I guess. But nonetheless, I was very impressed at how in love the 2 were. They raised their kid together and continued to finish school and got stable jobs. At least that's what it looked like on the pictures.

And now, they finally were able to have a proper wedding. It was a beautiful beach wedding. Perfect size, perfect decor, perfect location... nothing over the top. It was just right, just like how perfect the 2 are for each other. I've never met the girl in real life but I think if I had, I would've loved to be friends with her. She seems down to earth and practical. I respect the fact that she chose to have a simple look and simple wedding dress. I can only imagine because she knows that its better to save that money for their child... and perhaps their 2nd one if they ever plan for another.

I'd like to think that these 2 paid for their own wedding. Why you ask? Because they could've gotten married any time since their child was born and yet they waited until now. And if they did pay for their own wedding... I'd also like to think that they prepared it in a way to thank their family and friends. Because I think a huge chunk of it went to make the guests feel loved rather than going over the top with beautifying an already beautiful bride.

In many ways, I am envious of their relationship. Not because my first crush is involved but rather because these 2 beat the odds in life. Out of the 7 billion people in the world, they found each other. After having to be responsible parents despite being young themselves, they still continue to love each other. And I'm sure there's much more they've gone through that will test their commitment to each other. I mean this is the kind of stuff people are striving for, you know.

So in other words... congratulations M and D. May your love for each other live forever.

Do You Believe in Sagittarius

I really don't believe in horoscopes. But I do read em for fun. Once in a while you get totally absurd predictions but then you also get those bang-on ones. Today's horoscope from the local newspaper though was something I kinda wish would come true. This is how I'd interpret the following.

New possibilities:

- A new job which I did apply for just 2 days ago

- My Mr. Right is right around the corner. Hahaha!! I wish

Idealistic commitment:

- I guess a job is a commitment

- Being with Mr. Right is a type of commitment too

New income source:

- Ohh look, its talking a bit more about that job I just applied for

- Maybe Mr. Right is a sugar daddy

What I seek:

- Ummmm... another job?

- Ummmm... Mr. Right?

Imagination fires your speech:

- B.S. my way through the interview for the job?

- I could B.S. my way into a relationship but I ain't a fool

Old barrier:

- Finally... something not related to work.

- Although it does apply to the dramas of the past regarding CD

Next level:

- Promotion? Ha! Not until I get my license and SPT done.

- With CD? Hhhmmm... if its meant to be then sure.

Now see how every word is related to job/money and love/relationships? No wonder its so easy to believe that these horoscopes are talking about each of us. I mean who doesn't go through troubles with work and relationships? What I really can't wrap my mind around is the fact that its like saying there's only 12 kinds of fate for the 7 billion people of the world each day. And that if you happen to be born on certain days, your fate is according to 1 of these 12.

That's just how I think though. But like I said, despite my logic, I still like to read these things for fun.

Irony of the Rich

When I was younger my dad teasingly called me "Bilmoko". I think its basically how I pronounced the phrase "bili mo ako.." which means "buy me...". Its because I had this bad habit of always telling my parents to buy me this or that or whatever thing other kids had but I didn't. I really hated seeing other kids get such big allowances or having the newest and coolest toys and gadgets while I was stuck with hand-me-downs. Now I'm sure all kids go through a similar phase... heck, not just kids but adults too. I guess I was just extra irked about it was because I had to go to a private elite-ish school and see the gap between my family's wealth and others.

Luckily, I did outgrow that phase. Not sure if its coz my family moved to Canada or because I just did grow up like most kids are supposed to. Whichever the case, I was finally able to enjoy and appreciate the things my family had.

When I finally started my first ever paying job, I was so proud of myself. It was like "look at me world, I got money". I wish I remembered if I was saving that money for something in particular. As far as I recall, I've never saved money to get 1 thing in particular. I think even at a young age I just like the idea of being able to spend money whenever I want to. So I would just keep saving up until something piques my interest. That plus the stuff I want were never really expensive to begin with (yay for being raised with hand-me-downs).

Now, I'm not saying that I'm rich but for sure I've saved up more than I could ever have imagined. So its quite ironic to say how much more careful I've been with spending money. Its like each price tag, I immediately calculate to how much hours worth of work I had done. I must say, its an effective way of saving money.

But lately, I've been thinking how much I wish I could spend this money to go on a vacation with the important people in my life. I mean, we won't stay young forever. I'll eventually have more responsibilities in the future so vacations would be even more rare then. Its difficult though coz its either those important people have no money to spend right now or our timings are off in terms of work schedule.

So to cheer myself up I ended up letting myself go. Brace yourself! I actually spent $300. $300 on a pair of sandals. The younger me would've definitely gone kicking my own butt. The current me, however, keeps saying "its Prada yo!!" That and it was 40% off.  I really hope this'll be a one time deal for the sake of future me.

From Super Busy to Super Bored

May has been such a whack of a month. Busy with work that had covered various shifts and then a few other obligations here and there. I am so damn pooped. But then I realized once Sunday hits... I'll be super bored. I have to figure out what to do then so that I don't end up at home all day stuffing myself with whatever food I can scrounge up.

I at least some what have plans for June with a couple of friends. Although that also means major spendage. We're staying for a weekend over in Seattle. A much need girls weekend vacation. It sucks though coz its either I'm bored and getting fat or I'm having fun and getting poor. Le sigh!

Speaking of spendage, its application time for licensing exam #3. Bye bye $900. I hope I only have to pay you once. Glad I passed the first two exams on my first try but at least those two didn't cost as much.

That Was Unexpected

So, still no definite answer with my financial advisor. But for some reason I'm not all too panicky about it. I figure, if its meant to be then great... if its not then at least I know I'm just not ready to shell out for my own mortgage.

One thing that did happen that was out of the blue was a letter I got from my college. Apparently I've been selected to receive a scholarship. At first I was confused because I'm done school and I haven't applied for any scholarship. I also felt someone else could use it for a better cause. Maybe pay their student loan since mine is done. But then I realized I still do have this expensive exam coming in September and if I do end up being approved for mortgage, I most definitely can use any extra money coming my way.

I'm a little uncomfortable though about this award ceremony as it is kinda random. Its not officially a graduation ceremony. I don't think I'll even be seeing my classmates there. I'm not even sure if my family and friends should come out for this event. Its 1.5 hour event right in the middle of a working day. But at the same time, its a little bit sad knowing that I'm going by myself.

I also googled the award itself. Its apparently based on academic and personal achievement which is decided by the Dean. I've never met the Dean though so its either I was selected by my teachers or I got the highest marks in class. Either way, I am super thankful for this provision God has given me. I can remember having to apply for scholarships when I was high school and cry coz I felt that my GPA was never good enough. But now when I haven't even asked for it, God just gave it to me. Thank you, Lord.

One Milestone at a Time

I'm slowly learning to be patient. I'm trying not to worry too much why some things haven't happened yet in my life. I strongly believe that God has a reason for everything and all I have to do is have faith and wait. Of course, I still get that pang of jealousy whenever I see good things happening to others. Its not that I don't think those people deserve it.... in my head, I'm always just analyzing why they got those good things before me. This is especially the case when I feel that I've waited for it longer or worked on it harder or etc. Then I realized, there are somethings that I have which these very people don't have but want to have. So to the things that I do have and have yet to have... I am very thankful for.

Thank you for being alive, for having a home, family, friends, a really good job, an education, my health, my faith on my God and all these things I take for granted. I hope that others will be encouraged to be thankful for the things they also have and yet to have.

For now, the most recent milestone I wish to accomplish is to own my own home. I've already accepted that it won't be a dream house like the ones I used to draw when I was a kid. After all, I live in the 2nd most expensive city in the world. But the idea of being independent is something I've always respected and wanted. I got a bit of taste of it when I lived in Korea and am really missing just having my own place.

This Thursday I'll be meeting with a financial advisor so I guess that's when I'll know what God's plans are for me in terms of moving out.

Psychology of Dreams

Dreams can really be interesting. I'm taking about the ones you get from sleeping. I actually took a psychology course about sleep thinking it'd be about interpreting dreams and such but it focused on the affects of the circadian rhythm rather than dreams... so yes, I wasn't particularly keen about that one. Anyway, what I really was hoping to study was how dreams illicit physiological response.

In my case, my heart pounds like crazy when I dream of a guy who in the dream world I believe is my true love. So much so that the pounding wakes me up before any romantic stuff happens. That's probably my body waking me up to prevent myself from having a heart attack. When I was younger, I'd also wake up when I cried too much in my dreams (not because they were nightmares but because they're just sad dreams). I woke up with real tears too. Ohhh and the really interesting one is when I wake up and kick because I just had a dream where I jumped or fell or something like that. Apparently that one is not too uncommon because my friends experience it too.

The reason why I'm posting this is because last night, I think I felt my first broken heart due to a dream. Well, its confusing coz the dream should be happy by all means but my heart sure felt different. Lots of random things happened in the dream that don't connect but the part that I'm talking about was something like this. It was snowing like crazy outside and for some reason I'm on my summer PJs and open-toed slippers. I was looking for the guy who I love but I've yet to confess to. (By the way, I swear he was Asian at first then somehow became Caucasian on the latter part of the dream; not any guy I know in real life too). Other people began leaving their homes/office/school and were coming outside and they all were appropriately dressed for this blizzard. They all looked at me like I'm crazy. I finally gave up looking for him and decided to go to Starbucks for a hot drink. As I turned around, someone threw a navy green winter coat over my head and shoulder to shield me from the snow. My heart kinda started pounding around this part because I knew that it was him, the guy I love. He held my hand and we went to Starbucks together. When we got there, he let go of my hand so he can order our drinks. I was still kinda in la-la land about how he took his jacket off and gave it to me. Then I noticed how the pretty barista was very chatty with him. I didn't think he was flirting back with her but for some reason I didn't like what I felt so I ran. I guess it must've been to our home or some area with a special meaning because it wasn't familiar to me in real life. There was a bonfire in the middle of the room and I was kneeling down and warming my hands. He came in looking frazzled then quickly knelt beside me. He held my hands in his again and this time was blowing on it, as if to keep it warm. I can see that he looked hurt coz I left him. He told me that he was sorry and that he loves me. And that's when I woke up.

My heart was pounding so much but somehow I knew it wasn't coz of happiness. Its like I woke up sad because this guy said he love me. He wasn't even real. And if he was, the whole flirty barista thing wouldn't phase me that easily. So I guess I got curious why my heart reacted the way it did.

I'm also curious why certain details stood out for me. Like the navy green winter coat. I can still picture it as if I'm still in the dream world. I also remember the combination to a locker, which was a whole other scene before lover boy showed up. Yet the most important details... like say his face or name was totally gone by the time I woke up.

What I Could/Should Be Doing By Now

1.) Clean my room. After the hellish 2 months of exams and a bajillion pages of notes spread out every where in my room... I most definitely need to clean up. Not to mention clean and dirty clothes are starting to merge into one pile. I really don't understand how this is happening considering I pretty much just wear scrubs for work and haven't gone to lots of events that require that much dressing up. Last but not the least all them mails that keep coming through but am too lazy to shred. Maybe coz the shredder broke.

2.) Buy a new shredder.

3.) Catch up with friends whom I've shooed due to said exams. It was hard enough scheduling any time with these wonderful people.

4.) Exercise... due to said exams... again. Damn when I go hermit mode coz of studying I really don't hold back on food and caffeine. I'm sure I gained 5 lbs just from studying and not to mention that 15 lbs from going back to school. Its so sad that I don't have my overnight job anymore that helped lose 15 lbs before.

5.) Look for a potential second job. Honestly at this point, I don't care what it is and how much I'll make... I just need another job to keep me distracted and also maybe meet new people.

So why am I not doing any of these? Coz its my lazy week... I might even extend it another week. I know I hella deserve it. I'm watching all my animes/dramas/TV shows and reading my mangas like its my last day on earth. I'm also still adjusting to the idea of not being with my overnight team, despite my ups and downs with em. And the bestest excuse ever... got lots of time on my hands now. I promise to be responsible some other time.

2nd Male Lead Syndrome

I just found out there's a name for such a thing. You know... when you're cheering for the "other guy" even though deep down you know the lead guy and lead girl belongs to each other. The "other guy" who insist on being the selfish bad guy and yet makes the ultimate sacrifice of letting the girl he loves go. I mean there's other types of "other guy"... most common being the best friend of the lead girl who was too late when it came to admitting his real feelings.

So you can see how much I appreciate Choi Young Do's character in Heirs. He's definitely the ultimate 2nd male lead. Props to Kim Woo Bin for making the character so real. You've just ruined all other dramas for me. There won't be other 2nd male leads that would make me cheer for them, as much as you did.

I started googling Kim Woo Bin because I am in much need of distractions right now. High five coz he also 25. He was a model before becoming an actor, no wonder he's so good at projecting facial expressions. But the best find of all was this blog about why Choi Young Do is the #1 catalyst of the 2nd male lead syndrome.

5 Minute Distraction Please

What a great week its been.

1.) We found out on Monday that my best friend passed her nursing exam on her first try.
2.) She had an interview on Tuesday at the same hospital where I work.
3.) She got hired today!!
4.) I passed my jurisprudence exam. (1 down, 2 to go).

Now to fret over the next exams. I seriously have no clue how to study for it. There's really no guidelines unlike the jurisprudence. I feel like I'm just blindly studying whatever I can... and part of me is saying that the stuff I'm reviewing is unlikely gonna be on the test. Then a major chunk of it is calculations. See, I never understood how you study for math. Because for me, its either you get it or you don't. There's no practicing for it because you don't really memorize it but rather know how to apply it. The formulas are pretty much always given... you just input the values to do your calculation. I guess that's sorta the disadvantage of being a math person.

I know I'll be panicking on the day of the exam, telling myself I should've studied more. But it really sucks when you don't know what to study. I did try the sample test before studying and it was still a B-. So I think the trick really is just to carefully read the questions. But its driving me nuts because now that I have time to prepare for this test, I know I'm not utilizing it wisely. I mean hello... I am blogging right now for pete's sake.

3-1-4

So remember that post I made about dreams? In particular about the numbers 3-1-4 which I had woken up to by yelling it out. I thought there must be a meaning and had anticipated the whole March of 2014 or March 14th itself to be a special day. Well, nothing particular happened that day... nor that month of that year I guess except for the fact that its pi day.

Well, today's the best pi day as of yet. A last minute breakfast date with my co-workers which I haven't done for a long time... and the last time I did, it wasn't all that fun because it felt like people were obligated to be there rather than just wanting to be there. Now its like with new people and of the oddest combination too. I wouldn't have expected this group to just mesh together and have that much of a good laugh. Plus bonus, someone invited CD and without my prompting too!

So I gave the new co-worker who I think also likes CD a ride to IHOP. Ermm... she's gonna need a code name; let's say MM for mini me coz like I said before she kinda does remind me of me. As we were parking at IHOP, she kept staring at this white car (sounds familiar right?). I noticed the car too but I told myself not to look because there's no way that's CD. I knew there was a person in the car but I didn't want to make eye contact because I am trying to get over him, so me checking if the driver was CD is like admitting failure to such attempt. As we got into the IHOP, MM said "I knew it was you".

Damn. Totally wasn't expecting him. I smiled and stupidly the first words that came outta my mouth "The hell? You're here?". So now as I am typing this, I realized I may have made it sound like I didn't want him there.

Well, anyway, it turned out all for the best. We had a great laugh about everything. Even talked about farts. Didn't realize 2 hours had gone by just like that. We finally had to go home and as we all lined up at the cash register, I couldn't help but notice that CD was standing really close to me. It made me wish that he missed me somehow and that this was his way of showing it.

Then of course all these "over-thinking" happened again but the most intriguing one was: Why was he waiting in his car when there were people from our group already in IHOP? Was he waiting for me?

So that's my pi day story. Who knows how next year will turn out?

Trips Down Memory Lane

Coz I swear, every time I remember him... I might as well really be tripping.

So how do you do it? How do you forget someone when every small little thing reminds you of him?

Before... it was just his car. If a white car zooms a long, it wouldn't take long for me to turn my head and check if it was him or not. I'd see what the make of the car was, if the plate matches. I think this started when we both were heading to work and ended up on the same intersection. I just made it to the orange light to do my left turn and his red light just went green so his car was now behind me. Then he changes lane and passes and takes over my car. When we arrived at the parking lot, we both got out of our own cars and he smiled at me saying he knew that it was me.

The most recent "trip down to memory lane" for me is when I drive to my other job... yes, it's a literal trip on a friggin lane. There's this particular street that I like to take because it barely had stop lights and it wasn't residential plus it had its curves so its pretty fun driving there. When I drove CD and our co-worker home during our last hang out, we ended up using that street by chance. CD mentioned he liked that street too for the exact same reason. So now, whenever I take that road, I end up thinking of him.

Ohhh mannn. Even McDonalds have a meaning now coz of our lunch breaks. Double cheeseburger for the win. Although he said I should try the CBO with strips of bacon and not the bits. Espresso also reminds me of him a lot. One of the first few things that I found out we had in common was our love for coffee. Gosshhh!! I can remember when we were still getting to know each other as co-workers. That time, I was convinced he might like me because he would be curious about the things I like or stuff we had in common.

Anyway point is.. its getting pretty ridiculous how much I miss him. Although knowing myself, the moment I see him again, I'd act all cool as if nothing is going on. I know I'm driving KC and DP nuts whenever CD gets involved. So I'm trying not to vent to them as much about this. Therefore, I am ranting here instead. It might take a bunch more posts before I completely stop mentioning CD here.

So here's an ultimatum for myself. If I do get a chance to hang out with him again one to one and not coz he's driving me home or vice versa... then I will tell him about how nuts he makes/made me feel. That way he can clearly voice out his opinion and I can do the same without others making this whole crush situation more difficult than it is.

[UPDATE: March 10, 2015]

Eff. Even going to the mailbox reminds me of him. Ughhh... why'd I have to show him this particular part of the sidewalk where I always trip whenever I go and grab our mail.

On the bright side, I saw him again on Sunday and I managed to act chill. Caught myself glancing at him once in awhile but that's about it. Success for not letting my imagination get in the way.

Before I Let You Go

Some time ago, when I was just recently dealing with the drama about GF... I decided to dedicate this song to CD. I was so convinced that I have to let him and I know it wouldn't be easy so this sorta became my comfort song.

And for a while I didn't have to listen to this song because I was finally okay being around CD and not having to feel anything. I let go, so to speak.

But now, its like 100% must let him go... as in no other choice. He's finally left the company and the stupid guy had to keep it a secret till last minute. I didn't even really have time to process how I feel and wasn't even there for his last shift. In fact, if I hadn't decided to show up last Saturday, I wouldn't have been asked to work on Sunday (when he eventually told me he is leaving).

Now I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. I am missing him soooooo badly but I know it was bound to happen so I'm trying to forget him little by little. However, a new co-worker is making it impossible. I didn't really hang out with her as much before but I just realized that she likes CD too. She actually reminds me a lot of myself when I first started liking CD. In many ways though, she's lucky coz she only liked him for a short time and it should be easier for her to let go of him. And also, there wouldn't be a drama between us like there was for GF and me... because there's no point of either of us liking CD.

To clarify about this song for CD... no we weren't in love in a special way. And I'm not even sure this is love but I admit this is the closest to love for me. There definitely was no kissing to reminisce about. But pretty much everything else about the song applies... especially about missing his smile.

Happy Almost Valentines

Aside from working 2 shifts back to back, I had a pretty dang awesome Valentines. And yes, its coz CD was there.

They were handing out Valentines cards to all team members at work and he so happens to hold mine. He said my name, smiled and gave me the card. Of course I know the card isn't really from him and it wasn't unique (in a sense that everybody else got one too) but it still made me happy. I joked right away that if this was a red envelope for Chinese New Years, the money part is missing. And that just made him smile all the more which made me smile in turn.

The next day, some of us decided to meet up for a mini-get together. I think I'm most glad that its like we were hanging out the way things were before the drama. We could joke around again. We talked about where everyone is heading after leaving the company. He still wouldn't tell anyone where he'll be working but he kept saying he is leaving soon. That pretty much made me really sad. I would definitely love to have one last grand hang out with him. But luckily the group herder (the older brother / almost uncle of the group) loves to organize get-togethers and everyone pretty much agreed to meeting up at least once a month to catch up with each other's lives.

As we're all heading home, him and another co-worker got a ride from me. I parked 4-5 blocks away from the cafe we were at and it got cold that night. As we were walking he noticed that I was shivering and offered his jacket. Of course I turned it down coz I know he was just wearing short sleeves underneath whereas I had one layer of long sleeves at least. We walked a bit more and he said (not asked but said) "if we're still far away from your car, I'm giving you my jacket".

KABOOM! Yes, my brain just exploded. This is like the scene most girls think of when there's a budding romance story involved. Of course, it wasn't as romantic coz someone else was with us and my car was already there. But nonetheless I enjoyed the car ride with him. As usual though he didn't wanna get dropped off at his home. He said he wanted to walk anyway so we drove to my house instead. Guess it sorta worked out coz when I parked my car in the garage, he stayed back a bit to try and help me fix my bluetooth/FM transmitter, which now I know is hopelessly broken.

Now, I'm pretty curious why he doesn't like getting dropped off at his house. Coz it definitely wouldn't be out of the way. Or is that his way of making sure I got home safely. Well whatever the case, I'm glad how today and yesterday turned out.

Ooohhhh, I also found out that we both want to watch exactly the same 2 movies that are showing right now. That probably was my cue to ask him but I couldn't coz GF was there and I don't wanna cause any potential dramas.

PS: I lost 4 pounds after finally letting myself like CD again, coincidence? Me thinks not. Ha! Another plus to having a crush is the motivation to feel/look good. Only 17 lbs left to lose from what I gained from school.

Monica Oh Monica

Ok so I may have come up with a slightly odd solution to undo this LB situation. That is to let myself like CD again. Errr.... I guess to be honest those 2 ideas kinda just lined up since I may actually just be liking CD again. I know, its nuts!! He does drive me nuts. The little things he do sure leaves big impressions on me.

Remember that list I made of trying to figure out if he could like me or not. Well that's like starting over again. Its just are they signals or my imagination? I'll name a few that has happened since I re-joined the department.

1.) He's been teasing me a lot and kept saying my name as if I was getting in trouble but that's just his way of telling me what tasks to do. And damn, as soon as I walk away after receiving instructions from him, I can't help but smile. (Hence the title of this post)
2.) When I'm trying my best not to look at him because #1 I don't want it to be obvious that I'm aware of his presence and #2 so that I look like I'm 100% focused on my job; that's like when he randomly helps me out with whatever I'm working on. Its like he knows that's when I'm the most vulnerable to his effects.
3.) The small conversation he initiates. Yes, him. This goes in part with #2 where I'm trying my best to sorta ignore him (i.e. play it cool). Then outta nowhere he'd work beside me and make small talks. FYI, he's a pretty private kinda person so small talks are kinda rare with him.

There's more obviously but I'm leaving this at that. I'm really just enjoying things being back to the way they were before the drama. Maybe coz the lead causes of the drama ain't there. But at this point, I don't see myself having a full on 100% crush on CD again. Like I said before, when we leave the company, I really feel like we'll never see each other anyway. So it would take a whole lot of universe ploy for us to ever come meet again after work.

Shitnizzz

It has began.

Shit.

Pardon the language.

But SHITTTT!!

I had a dream of the cuter guy whom I swear I see as a younger brother... which now I will call LB (for little brother). OMG! Knowing me, that's how I realize I have a crush on someone... if I dreamed about them.

And get this. A total of 3 dreams since my last post. Well the 3rd dream was iffy coz I referred to the guy as a big brother though I really feel it was LB.

NOOOOOOOOO!!

I can't... this guy.. no, this kid... he's too good to get caught up in my dramas.

HOW DO I UNDO THIS SHITNIZZZ BUSINESS?

Stuck in 5th gear

A little play on words here. Only those who knows CD's real name will get it.

Anyway, I should probably clarify myself a bit here. I'm not saying I'm strung over him. Its just I have to admit... its been hard finding someone to like after him. I've yet to meet a guy my age who has the same qualities that I liked from CD. The closest happens to be way much younger. He's cuter than CD but definitely a no no since I sort of view him as a little brother and I think he respects me as a big sister too.

There's no one at work that I'm particularly interested at... and thank goodness for that. Can't afford any drama there. My very limited social circle also has zero available dudes that I am interested in. So I'm left here thinking if I'm really over CD or there's just really no one yet.

You know, I probably wouldn't feel as affected about this if there weren't people constantly trying to find someone for me. They mean well but I'm not really interested in long distance relationships. If I'm getting a boyfriend I want one that I can actually spend real time with.

I kinda wanna chuckle about the CD situation though coz I remember distinctly telling myself that I will confess to him if I still like him by the time one of us leaves the company. Well, now we're both leaving. I just don't know if I still like him and if there's still a point to it. Now its like I wanna change that to if we happen to see each other again and regularly for that matter then yes, I'll try to make a move that time. But I can only say that confidently coz I'm almost 100% sure we won't even see each other anymore... even though we live in the same neighborhood.

Some of you might be laughing at this very childish version of me. But that's just who I really am. I would never be the first to admit something like a crush. I probably would want to kick my own ass in the end but I always figured if he liked me back, he'd be able to tell how much he is driving me nuts.