Feeeeeeed meeeeeee!

Now that I'm not distracted by work or the need to catch up on sleep... my stomach is being bossy. I shouldn't really complain since for the past year my stomach has been well-behaved and eating tons of healthy(er) food. Enough that I've dropped 3 pant sizes. But damn this craving is soooooo bad. I actually drove out at 7:30AM on a Saturday morning just to grab a container of rainbow sour belts.

Been buying these babies little by little at Sweet Factory but I realize that I've been getting em so much that I should just buy the giant container instead. Its cheaper too!! If I recall correctly buying 15 strips or so is about $2.50 whereas this container was $11 which looks like it has over 150 strips.

Now my problem is trying to ration this pile. Plus the giant bag of chocolate covered raisins I also bought coz I happen to see it on the same aisle as the rainbow sour belt. =.="

My brain won't shut up

I think its too excited about the endless possibilities of tomorrow. Even though I'm lacking sleep and actually do have time to sleep, I can't because my brain is just on fire. Its been re-writing over and over again how my life potentially could be for this year and next. Like how school is starting in a month and a half and that I'll only have to study for 7 months, do some training, write a couple of exams and finally land a career I actually do care about. Then next year my potentially new home will be ready. Everything brand-spanking new plus I get to live on my own again.

Just the idea of all these new beginnings is enough to make me happy!

Of course the best new beginning would be finding a new crush. Its kinda sad to say this but I do miss CD only coz I miss the hype of having a crush. When I see him there's no more internal-elementary-school-girl-screaming. Instead I'm seeing more and more why I don't like him as much. Like the things that I wouldn't have minded back then now seem major valid reasons why I shouldn't like him. DP said I'm probably in denial and this is my self-defence mechanism kicking in. But if that's true then I should feel more bothered when he's around me. If any, being with him actually makes me miss and at the same time pity the old me. In some way I really am relieved of having to over-think everything he does but I also miss that part of me that's always hopeful.

The sucker part is that now I can be with him without automatically translating everything he says/does, it seems like we're actually really communicating again. And knowing me, it'll only take so little before I start feeling something for him again.

[March 19, 2014 UPDATE]
Gah! It's starting. The over-thinking. Last night's shift had more communication with CD than usual since there was only 5 of us working. As we were getting ready to go home, he asked if I am working tonight to which I replied no then he casually adds that he also has the night off. I already knew he wanted the night off so he can work on Saturday instead to be there for the other supervisor's last day. But then I started thinking why is he telling me he got tonight off when he knows that I already know he got it off. Anyway, the good part is that I'm only at the "what was that about" stage. I haven't actually began creating scenarios in my head trying to break down what really probably is a simple conversation.

Sucks being the middle man

So drama is still going on at work. It's perhaps doubled coz another set of friends are sorta drifting apart but at least this set is more mature and handle things the right way. So I know I should just butt out of this one coz I'll just be propagating the argument if I become nosey.

Anyway, CF and GF are my main concern. They still aren't talking. It's come to a point that CF doesn't wanna tolerate this bullshit anymore and is planning to give me her resignation letter to pass onto our supervisor CD. I seriously think that's one crappy way to deal with things but I do understand that sometimes it is better to just leave and give space to each other. It's really unfair though.. why does someone have to quit.. why can't our supervisors be our friends. I can just imagine HR saying "I told you so".

I guess its really a bad combination. Jealous, immature, insecure and nosey folks... all being eaten out by stress from both work and personal lives. With my own work problem, at first I thought maybe I was being mean by accepting too many leadership positions. But I've come to realize that getting what I am recognized for isn't something I should feel bad about. If my supervisors think I am more capable of handling such tasks than my co-workers then they should just be quiet or try and improve themselves instead of being envious and making me look bad. I've decided that I'll take all the shifts they think I deserve. If a promotion comes at the right time, I'll take that too. I'm no longer gonna be sorry for being better.

You know, I'm so fired up to fix friendships and prove certain co-workers to just shut up and maybe work harder before complaining about my hours that I really haven't been thinking of CD at all. I think that's a major sign that I've really gotten over him. I'm kinda surprised myself since I didn't think it'd disappear just like that. The only time his name came up was when I felt bad that he couldn't even be friends with us anymore as that would make it appear like he's choosing sides. All because of a misunderstanding between friends that got blown out of proportions coz some nosey folks keeps bringing it up and now are making all party involved feel awkward with each other. Its a good thing that I don't feel that way about him anymore, in case the nosey folks start bringing up my name too, at least I'd be confident when talking to CD that this was all in the past. Plus its one less problem for the poor guy. He maybe a great worker and leader but conflict-resolution is definitely not his thing.

Just when you're done dealing with one problem another one comes along

All those times of going back and forth... liking him and then unliking him. Sure can drive a girl nuts. And perhaps even appear bitchy in the end. But I'd like to believe I'm really gonna make it out of this with no damage done to anyone.

Maybe it's timing with GF pointing out the whole CD and CF possibly liking each other thing. Though I talked it out with CF and its a definite no on her side. On the other hand, I do notice CD being friendlier to CF. I think he really does like her but not enough for him to jeopardize his work. Anyway, it's this kinda stuff that I needed to make me move on. I've told my best friends that I really am starting to like him less and less but I knew there was still a chance for things to rekindle. The lack of interaction was definitely the primary cause. And it sucks that its coz people are misinterpreting my friendship with him (and the other supervisors) as favoritism so its like that chance was taken away from me. But now, I really am relieved. It's finally over! Actually, I'm also kinda curious if the 2 will end up together... almost cheering them on really. He still is definitely a great guy that any girl would die to have and she is an amazing friend.

So at least that problem is done and over with. CD is officially just a dude I work with (should really rename him JD though I'm not sure why I would still talk about him over here). Now my other problem is one that happened a long time ago but I sorta just brushed it off. It kinda resurfaced after some major realization. It's this whole issue of favoritism. I so badly regret making that joke but I really do not understand how that can make people who you thought were friends turn on you. My original group of friends at work are now the ones GF hang out with. I noticed that they seemed to stop inviting me to their outtings but GF always somehow made it. I figure its because during that time he was still jealous of me and how close I was to CD so I let him have his space and vent to "our friends". But after talking to CF, she pointed out that in reality that group was also insecure of me because of the amount of hours/attention I'm getting from the supervisors. Hence GF (though probably not intentionally) and them saw me as a common threat.

It's only now that they're being friendly to me again because now they see CF as a threat for GF's sake. Although I think I still get the stink eye from a few people because I'm still friends with CF. I honestly don't care about that group anymore. Although I'm really worried for GF and CF because those 2 had such a strong friendship. There's a misunderstanding right now for sure but GF being in that group is making the misunderstanding blow out of proportions. What's more, they're making CF look like the bad guy. I'm glad I told GF that even though him and CF don't get along anymore, I'm still both their friends and will go be with both persons when needed. Its just that right now, its hard to be with GF because he's got that huge group backing him up (without even really knowing both sides of the story) whilst CF only has me. Well, there are others from the new group I hang out with (which really was GF's old group) but they are neutral just like me only they prefer to butt out.

Anywho, now I'm just really disappointed at myself and these people. The reason why I stayed in this job was to make friends more than to make money. I don't need to deal with this sorta bullshit but I don't wanna leave behind some of the real friends I've made. What really sucks is that I'm not even trying! Not trying to be the best or work hard. I just naturally am that way. I do what I'm told. I also naturally do just wanna hang out with people and it so happen that the people willing to hang out after work are the supervisors. So why the eff was I singled out to look like I'm trying to buy out my boss' affections. The reason why I'm disappointed at myself is because I still care about how these insecure people think of me. I've been trying not to stand out (according to them anyway) by turning down my supervisor's requests. I even moved out of the section where I was put in charge most of the times so that they will see I'm willing to do the same exact work as them and not just captain all the time. But even that got translated as me seeking more territory. I finally found a new section where it only requires 2 people to work. At least then no one gets jealous of that or sees that I'm captaining since its a smaller group. The most disappointing thing I don't like about this side of me is that I can't even bring it up to my supervisors. I really like all of them and do not want them to get caught in this bullshit. But how do I exactly bring this up... ohh so you know how you say I'm a really good employee, well I need to be a shitty employee now coz my fellow co-workers are complaining about the hours and attention you've been giving me. What's more is that CD is my direct supervisor. I would be talking to him about this and the last thing I need is for him to feel sorry for me.

UGHH! I wish it was March of next year already. By then I can be a certified Pharmacy Technician and hopefully be dealing with much more mature co-workers.