First off, I can't believe more than a month has gone by since my previous post. I guess it makes sense as my new work place got busy over the holidays and they pretty much were giving out shifts to any takers. And there's another reason which I'll explain now.
This whole NBIL business might actually end. I don't know. I haven't decided... if its even possible to decide on it. There's this guy at work who really caught my attention since day 1 coz he had such a cute smile. I'm a sucker for dimples and those "happy smiley eyes". I really thought nothing of it but then I guess as I talked to him more and more that grew to respect to admiration and then to crush or whatever it is now.
At first, I was really giddy just having a crush again. My university days were so boring coz I couldn't even have a crush since there was no guy whom I had similar classes with. So in 1 semester, I'd see my classmates just 13 times (once a week). That's not even enough time for me to get to know them, forget about developing feelings. Anyway, I liked that I'm excited about seeing someone. I liked that it made me energetic and cheerful at work. So I took all the over time I could just to spend more time with him at work and after too. He lives in the same neighborhood so I always offered to give him a ride whenever I can.
This whole time, I always played it cool. I never liked letting others know when I like someone. So I made sure at work that there's no special treatment whatsoever. But usually when I like someone, I do end up being sorta bitchy. I think the idea of being discovered is so embarrassing that I become the opposite of what I really feel for the guy. The thing with this guy is I so am not bitchy to him at all. Like, I just can't be mean to him. Period. This is partly the reason why I'm not sure if I really do like him since I'm not reacting the way I usually do.
So the moment of truth crashes on me a day or 2 after the Christmas potluck hosted by our co-worker. There's another story behind this but the gist of it is that my gay co-worker (who knows I like the same guy) asked me to confess for him. After the party, I was driving his car since he was responsible enough to know he drank 1.5 bottle of brandy (yet sounding and looking sober as ever). That's when I told him about our gay co-worker. His response was very professional. He wasn't grossed out by the fact that a gay guy likes him... he actually kinda chuckled saying he had lots of gay friends; possibly hinting he's had more than one gay admirer. It was by far one of the nicest rejection one can hope for. Though it wasn't meant for me, I saw how the news affected my gay friend. A day or 2 after, I started freaking out about how will my confession be like when its my turn. Then the fact that I'm freaking out over a crush started getting me all nutty because I didn't realize how much I like this guy. I called my 2 best friends and needed girl talk... took a whole lot of calming down.
I've decided not to over-think too much of the what if's. Enjoy whatever time I have with him. But its so hard because I try and ignore him so I don't have to decode whatever action/gesture he just did but then he seems to communicate with me more when I do ignore him. On top of all this, I do feel guilty about my gay friend's crush not working out. So that's like another reason not to confess just yet but I do wanna get this roller coaster emotion ride over with. Since I'm sorta on a stalemate here, all I can do is rant about my overly-biased (or perhaps not) theory on if he likes me back or not.
Why I think he likes me:
1.) I'm confident that I know him best out of all our co-workers and vice versa he knows me best too.
2.) There was one time where he was in deep thought while working alone and I jokingly called his attention by saying "pssst". Ever since then our text messages for each other begins with "pssst".
3.) He calls me Miss. I haven't heard him call anyone else that. He did call someone my age "Ate" (big sister) so that's an indicator at least that he doesn't see me as a sister. Although I'm only 2 years older so its not like its a huge age gap.
4.) I think he sorta is trying to find out what stuff we have in common. Like what drink I like, chocolate, music, etc. Its kinda funny coz I think our choices of drinks are no where similar. In fact he always makes jokes about my drink choices saying stuff like "coconut juice is like very diluted milk" or "peppermint tea is like very diluted toothpaste". On the bright side, we like the same alcoholic drinks.
5.) On my birthday we spent 4 hours together over coffee and he also was there for the sushi party. If we include our work shift... that's 17 hours spent with him. My best friends said that the coffee talk was a date. I said not really coz I invited him on my birthday so he really couldn't say no. And I paid for our drinks but only coz he already bought me some chocolate. Also, that was our only time spent together with just us 2.
6.) He might've just slipped or he meant it or I'm just over-thinking it. He was doing his rounds and was saying "looks good" when checking the sections at work. When he saw me, he said "you look good". Now, I wish I got a good look at his facial reaction when he said that.
Why I think he doesn't like me:
1.) The part about us knowing each other best is mostly a product of my inviting him to group hang outs. I honestly don't feel it was something he'd wanna tell me on his own. Like, I had to initiate everything before he would tell me about himself. And I think he just can't say no to anyone at all so this getting to know each other stage feels a little one-sided.
2.) I don't feel that he treats me differently from others. I know he respects me as a co-worker and probably even saw me as a competition for the promotion he eventually got. It's also possible he can't treat me differently because that would be favoritism. And equally possible is that he's just like me when it comes to being embarrassed about being discovered so he acts it out all cool.
3.) He had a lot of chance to hang out with me one on one but never acted upon it. If you like someone, wouldn't you take whatever possibility you have to spend time with them.
Well after typing this up, I feel much better venting. Also seeing that I actually have more reasons to believe he likes me than not. Today I guess I'm extra giddy because another co-worker (one who's same level as him) outright suggested to him to date me. I wasn't sure how to react so I sorta joked that they don't know what if we're already secretly going out. He was just quiet and I didn't dare look his way. But anywho, at least the idea got planted, if ever. And apparently other co-workers agree that us 2 can actually date each other.
